Family Rights Group | Kinship carers’ Forum

Hello,
I had had SGO of 2 grandchildren for 10years. Youngest has autism but also a close bond with mum. Eldest never formed attachment with mum due to extent of her mental health and has attachment disorder and related mental health problems.

Mum still struggles significantly with mental health. We were struggling to meet needs of both children and youngest never settled with us. He was spending increase amount of time with his mum and moved back in with agreement of everyone. His thrived since then, being apart is best for siblings due to eldest behaviour towards youngest and eldest being triggered by youngest needs.

Mum has put alot in place and strong routine to cope with 1 child and have eldest a few times a week. When she has both children for prolonged periods her mental health escated (dangerous impulsive behaviour) due to eldest needs and controling behaviour.

I am unable to cope with eldest any longer, we have had lack of support, his not in education, if his not in control over everyone he harms himself significantly, I just can't keep him safe. I have informed social care I can no longer provide the level of care needed and am considering revoking SGO. They said their mum needs to step up. Mum doesn't want this as eldest doesn't want to live with her due to trauma caused by her mental health and mum can't cope with eldest without harming herself and spiraling. It will also negatively impact youngest child who has addition care needs. They have reports from when we went to court that mum doesn't have capacity to safely parent 2children.

If I discharge SGO or refuse to have eldest home untill proper treatment/support is in place (currently back in hospital), can they force the mum to take eldest in? Since she still legally have PR.

Hi Cardboardcutout and welcome.

You haven't said how old the children are but from the 10 years placement I am assuming the eldest in well into their teens. That's without doubt the most difficult time to parent a child under normal circumstances, let alone those with a disrupted childhood. Please don't beat yourself up about it. We carry the scars (some physical) so understand what you are going through.

Unfortunately, although I suspect, most children who need support are in their teens, it still seems that when it comes to advertising for foster parents etc, the focus is always on the younger children. My belief, with little actual evidence, is that Children's Services general focus is on the younger age group, but most children in need are mid teens onwards. I could be wrong.

Children's Services cannot 'force' any adult to do anything.

I think you need to start a complaint with the local authority saying that the lack of support for you with this placement means that both children are now 'Children in Need'. and that the SW proposals to pressure mum will put the children in danger of serious harm. If you follow through on the complaints page at [url]https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/ ... ints/{/url] there is a lot of assistance about how to start the process. Do not give up at Stage 1. It seems most LA's only take notice at Stage 3, ond frequently only after that when the Local Government Ombudsman rules against them. You have to go through all three stages before the LGO will look at it.

@Suzie the advisor here may come in with some better advice.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thankyou for your reply.
The eldest is actually already CIN. About 6 months ago he swallowed razor blades and transported to a hospital not closest to us (were I also stayed with him). He said to camhs he would try and kill himself again on discharge.got discharged from hospital after medical stable and has more blades hid in phone case which he swallowed and went straight back to hospital then. I reported then I was no longer able to cope. Social services assessed and put in place CIN. He then swallowed blades again and I said I couldn't keep him safe or cope with his behaviour at home to be told I had no choice but to bring him home from hospital and his mum needs to step up and support more / offer more restbite.

That is appalling, and so sorry you find yourself in that situation. As you say CAMHS are often not much help. While I would still start the complaint, I would also contact your local councillor (details will be in the LA website) and your MP (or candidates) and seek support. My understanding is that even if your MP is standing down, they will still deal with things until the election.

Unfortunately, the real issue seems to be with CAMHS though. Under resourced and under-valued for many decades.

How on earth is the mother with mental health issues supposed to cope with a child so seriously intent on self harm?

I have ti go out now, but please get onto your local councillor a.s.a.p. I think you will find them very helpful.

Cardboardcutout wrote: Tue May 28, 2024 11:50 am Hello,
I had had SGO of 2 grandchildren for 10years. Youngest has autism but also a close bond with mum. Eldest never formed attachment with mum due to extent of her mental health and has attachment disorder and related mental health problems.

Mum still struggles significantly with mental health. We were struggling to meet needs of both children and youngest never settled with us. He was spending increase amount of time with his mum and moved back in with agreement of everyone. His thrived since then, being apart is best for siblings due to eldest behaviour towards youngest and eldest being triggered by youngest needs.

Mum has put alot in place and strong routine to cope with 1 child and have eldest a few times a week. When she has both children for prolonged periods her mental health escated (dangerous impulsive behaviour) due to eldest needs and controling behaviour.

I am unable to cope with eldest any longer, we have had lack of support, his not in education, if his not in control over everyone he harms himself significantly, I just can't keep him safe. I have informed social care I can no longer provide the level of care needed and am considering revoking SGO. They said their mum needs to step up. Mum doesn't want this as eldest doesn't want to live with her due to trauma caused by her mental health and mum can't cope with eldest without harming herself and spiraling. It will also negatively impact youngest child who has addition care needs. They have reports from when we went to court that mum doesn't have capacity to safely parent 2children.

If I discharge SGO or refuse to have eldest home untill proper treatment/support is in place (currently back in hospital), can they force the mum to take eldest in? Since she still legally have PR.

Cardboardcutout wrote: Tue May 28, 2024 2:53 pm


Thankyou for your reply.
The eldest is actually already CIN. About 6 months ago he swallowed razor blades and transported to a hospital not closest to us (were I also stayed with him). He said to camhs he would try and kill himself again on discharge.got discharged from hospital after medical stable and has more blades hid in phone case which he swallowed and went straight back to hospital then. I reported then I was no longer able to cope. Social services assessed and put in place CIN. He then swallowed blades again and I said I couldn't keep him safe or cope with his behaviour at home to be told I had no choice but to bring him home from hospital and his mum needs to step up and support more / offer more restbite.

Dear Cardboardcutout

Welcome to the kinship discussion forum and thank you for posting.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group. I am so sorry that you are going through such a distressing situation with your grandchildren for whom you have special guardianship orders. You have been looking after your grandchildren for over 10 years. The situation has deteriorated to the point where you no longer feel able to care for the children and in particular, eldest grandson who appears to have signifi-cant mental health difficulties.

Unfortunately, due to the social worker’s response to you request for help it makes difficult reading as there appears to be a lack of care on the social worker’s part in respect of your grandson’s needs. Children’s services have a safeguarding role and a duty to children in their area to ensure that they are save in the environment in which they live. She has offered no support from what you state in your post and in-sist that he is your responsibility and that of his mother.

You have been given advice from another poster about whom you can contact to get more support in your current situation. I also suggest that you write directly to Director of Children’s Services in your local authority setting out your concerns about the lack of support for the well being of your grandson. It is good that the youngest child is now with his mother and seem settled with her. The social worker should not be suggesting the mother, with her own mental health difficulties care for both children without additional support. Children’s services can offer respite and since your grandson is on a child in need plan this could be provided under the plan. Alternatively, residential care is another avenue that could be explored. Here is information related to child in need which might help you to understand this better.

Children’s disability team can be contacted so they can assess your grandson and your needs to offer appropriate help. Read information HERE about children’s services duties to children with a disability.

As a special guardian you could also try to get support for your grandson from the adoption support fund. Your local authority’s special guardianship support services will be able to advise you more about this.

In your post you say you can no longer manage to care for your grandson and children’s services cannot force you or his mother to have him in your home. If you are told you will be abandoning him and committing a criminal offence, this is not correct, you are seeking the best for him from children’s services.

I suggest you follow up on contacting your local Member of Parliament (MP) and councillor. The information in your post is very concerning regarding support for this young person. You may find it helpful to speak with Young Minds on 0808 802 5544 who can offer advice and support to you as a parent. You can also speak with Contact on 0808 808 3555, they offer advice to parents of children with disabilities.

Please see information from our website about making complaints to children’s services

Should you wish to speak with one of our experienced advisers in confidence, you can do so by telephoning our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3.00pm. Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays)

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie