Family Rights Group | Kinship carers’ Forum

Hi guys I'm new here and could do with some advice on ending the sgo I have for my grand daughter.
I've had her since she was 6 months old she will be 11 in 3 weeks.
We've always suspected attachment disorder as it was mentioned to me when she was 3 fast forward 7 years we've been let down constantly over the years workers come and go the most recent support worker has admitted we've been severely let down but I'm at the point where I just can't cope anymore my grand daughter is a bully and constantly humiliates me at every opportunity, I have told the current support worker thst I want to end the sgo because it's completely broken down and is no good for either of us her response is that birth mum needs to step up, birth mum has not changed at all since I've had her daughter..all her money goes on drugs etc although she's gad contact over the years it's never been successful as soon as gd kicks off mum demands she comes back there's numerous police reports from both mum and dad although they aren't recent but social services are insisting mum is used for respite.
I literally cannot cope any more I've done my absolute best for this little girl but have now been diagnosed with depression because of years of abuse, my sister is training in family law and is trying to help but every time I ask for gd to be removed they refuse saying oh we will try this etc
Sorry if this is a bit jumbled
Does anyone know where I stand in this situation? Thanks

What an awful position you are in. Sadly it's not unique.

It seems as though yet again, children's services have allowed the situation to deteriorate to the point that you feel you are unable to cope. We all know the key driver is to avoid spending money.

I know from experience that you feel that the last seven years of care has been totally wasted, but please be assured that despite how she is now, in time, she will see that you were doing your very best and will come to appreciate it. The problem is that the upcoming teenage years are generally the worst, so that point of appreciation may be a number of years away.

Clearly you can request that your granddaughter is taken into care, but from that point, I suspect the local authority will simply pressure mum into taking her and thereby cause even more difficulties down the line.

However, have you asked for help from your doctor and been really honest about where you are? I know doctors appointments can be hard to get and are limited in time, so if you are able, you might want to put it all on paper or email (if there have an email address) and send it in. Your GP should be able to help with Children's Services but unless you ask, they probably will not think of it.

Has the child's attachment problem been formally diagnosed? If yes, I am guessing CAHMS have been ineffective in treating it?

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. Frankly the fact the the support you, or your grandchild deserved in dealing with her early life experiences has not been provided. @Suzie, the FRG advisor may be along to provide some better advice.

Thank you for replying
No formal diagnosis unfortunately the term has been batted around and the term fits her like a glove we've been on the waiting list for 2yrs now for a clinic in our area we've also accessed funding from the adoption support fund for a full assessment which we are on the waiting list for supposedly we'll be seen around November time.
I have a doctors appointment on Monday regarding my depression I'm not sure what help the gp can give regarding social services?

I think whether your GP can assist depends on many factors. If they feel that it's all got too much for you, but that you cannot put the child into danger by using mum as respite, they can make a referral to the LA detailing their concerns for you and your grandchild and demand proper respite. They can also apply pressure on CAHMS to get the attachment diagnosis confirmed or otherwise, as our GP did for us with one child.

I hope I am not misreading the situation, but suspect that if you can get the diagnosis and treatment starting in November, this situation may be recoverable. If that is how you feel, tell your doctor. I am afraid that in the case we were dealing with, SW were a hinderance rather than a help. The psychiatrist we saw came over as a bit of an oddball, but was really the most helpful person we ever had who dealt with that child. It just all takes so long as there are so many children in dire need of support.

If you can find the strength, stick with it, but no-one here will blame you if that is now impossible.

Best wishes .... Robin

I've been asking for respite for years but because there's no ehcp they refuse I am a single parent nearing 60 and am worn out quite frankly support worker has said that once an official diagnosis is in place work would be specific to that and would help gd massively and that I understand buy as there's never been any help I feel that if I hang on until Nov am I doing more damage to a little girl that's already in such a bad place.
I'm worried that as she gets older she will become more violent and also we've had her trying to contact strange men knowing they are older online that will worsen and she'll just fall down a big hole.
I will ask the gp about the respite and also about speaking to cahms.
Thank you

I wish I could give you a reassuring hug, but it will have to be a virtual one. https://tenor.com/en-GB/view/hugs-and-love-gif-19082446

The fact that you were answering just before 2am shows how difficult things are for you.

I do suggest you find a few minutes to sit and write down what you want to say and explain to the GP, as it's quicker for them to read, and they can hold it on file if need be. It also means you cover all the points. I wish you a better night tonight and good luck tomorrow.

Robin

Thanks Robin, docs weren't any help as I was there for medication and saw a practitioner I'll need to make an appointment with my actual gp and that's roughly a 6 week wait.
We have gd fsp meeting at school on Thurs I gave a good relationship with the deputy head who used to be a child's mental health nurse and she's always 'stuck up' for me so I'm hoping she has some short term suggestions.

Sorry to hear you did not see a GP. I would put in for an appointment with the doctor even if six weeks away. You can always cancel it if you don't need it after the meeting, and the surgery would be grateful for that. If you can get the deputy head's support, that will also helps with the child mental health team.

Good luck on Thursday.

The support worker stopped the fsp 30 minutes in as I stated thst I couldn't carry on as I'm not coping at all and as they absolutely will not provide any respite I'm ending the sgo.
She went away to make some calls but is starting 3 weeks annual leave tomorrow so yet again we have been left.
She said her worry is that gd will still be with me in 2 weeks and I agree with her unfortunately this depression has got the better of me and I frequently feel like ending it all because what's the point there is no help whichever way I turn or however loudly I shout.
I don't expect them to just instantly remove gd nor am I evicting her today but yet again no one is listening I said in the meeting what happens if I take my own life will they all say oh dear never mind.

Please, please seek help from the Samaritan's and/or the NSPCC. The latter have a wonderful help-line and can sometime influence LA's.