last bit of hope gone

[tomika]

my nephews caffcass officer has left the company, she was the only one who ever saw through his dad. She said that he shouldnt go back. Now we have a new one whos manager is aganisnt us from years ago and who made the original recommendation for the level of unsupervised contact. This was an error on her part and why we are back in court again. She will never want to admit she made a mistake. My relationship with caffcass has been a very bad one, stemming from a compliant I made about one of them lying. I received an apology from the manager at the time.

This has really knocked me. I now feel like the one bit of hope i had has been stamped out. The court has order 6 supervised contacts. My nephew is 9, he says he isnt going, he also wet thebed twice within a fortnight of hearing this and has resumed pulling his eye lashes out, they had grown back after a year of no contact.

Im lost. Our lives have been so badly affected over the past 5 years, how much longer will they be allowed to destroy us for.

[nanaJ]

I am so sorry to hear this. We too suffered terribly with the CAFCASS guardian, although there are those on the site who have had more positive experiences. Our complaints about her were held against us in court.

CAFCASS do tend to go for contact with the father in all but the most exceptional cases.

If you feel that you are unduly prejudiced by the manager's influence in this case, you could state in court that you have no confidence in CAFCASS. However, you could be in real difficulty because you were willing to trust the judgement of the previous officer. You could put a case forward for the matter being dealt with by an independent social worker using the discrepancies in viewpoints between the two workers.

I do agree though, I have never met a CAFCASS worker who will admit to a mistake and they have a ridiculous complaints system where no-one ever gets to stage 3 where the matter is looked at independently.

Perhaps David or Robin could offer you some more solid advice.

[winni]

I wonder would it be worth a trip to the G.P.regarding the eyelash situation and the bed wetting?This is all signs of stress and should be taken seriously.A G.P's opinion might be taken into acount.

win

[tomika]

yes last year when it started. He saw a councillor and it stopped after around 7 months of no contact. He hasnt seen her for ages but I rang her before and she is getting back to me later on. He was having night terrors and making throat noises as well which all stopped gradually after no contact. Caffcass will blame me, I can almost predict what will happen. It will all be my fault and nephew will be forced back. I cant wait until hes older and nobody can force him to do anything.

[Robin D]

Hi Tomika.

It's a difficult situation and I'm not sure I'm the right person to be offering advice as we had one OK Cafcass worker followed by a brilliant one.

I feel it might help if you can change the focus away from the difficulties with Cafcass and more towards the welfare and needs of the child. Winni has made a good suggestion. Go talk it through with your GP and explain the impact its having on the child (and you).

You also need to look for other supporting evidence as to the effect this is having on the lad. Has he confided in anyone at school, Cub's or anyone else near independent. Ask around. There is nothing to stop anyone informing SS or the NSPCC of their concerns (The latter in complete confidence). If this ends up with a referral of the child to SS for emotional harm, or to a child psychologist or psychiatrist, then the court would have to listen to their concerns under the 'welfare' principle wheteven Cafcass have to say.

I wonder also if you should ask for a meeting with the new officer and their manager to discuss the 'way forward'. You recognise that they will never admit a mistake, so go into it neither looking or expecting one. That way you are 'in control'. It might pay to start by saying that there seem to have been a couple of differences of opinion or even misunderstandings between you, but you have to move forward together to do what is best for the lad. Double check that they are aware of the impact that news has had on the boy and ask their advice on how you should best be dealing with it as after all they are the professionals. They may well turn round with 'woolly' responses, in which case hang in there and ask them for examples. You may find they come out with the classic line which is that you 'know the child best'. If so, you can turn it on its head by saying that the 'knowledge' of the child tells you there is something very wrong, and that given the impact, you proposal would be to maintain the current status quo while the impact on the child is being assessed.

There is absolutely no point at this time in getting into a protracted argument with them though, so please don't. The place to pick apart their work and principles is in the court. The more you argue beforehand, the longer they have to find evidence to justify their position.

We had an older child a number of years ago where the court had ordered contact with his mother. The child, helped by the local children's rights officer (the school welfare officer is a good alternative) and unbeknown to us, wrote directly to the judge saying he was not going. The judge was not initially amused and we were accused by the workers involved of putting him up to it. a letter from the supporting person so put that right, the judge cancelled the order and as far as I am aware, 20 years later, he still has not seen or wanted to see his mother!

I'm not suggesting you initiate any of these actions, but just to point out that the more evidence you can get before the court that the child really doesn't want to go, the more likely the judge will not make such a ruling.

I do hope you can find a way through this. Please keep your chin up, for the boys sake as much as for your own.

best wishes ........ Robin

EDIT: Just read your last reply Tomika. Yes, they will try and say you are influencing him, but the counsellor will be able to report otherwise.

Grandparent carer in Suffolk [:)]

[LLB]

quote:Originally posted by tomika

and has resumed pulling his eye lashes out, they had grown back after a year of no contact.

This has really taken me back years to the stage when we were first foster carers of our grandchildren. We were ruled then by Social Services and had little say over contact.

Our eldest did not want to see his Dad and somehow made his face so sore around his mouth by any means that he could. He looked terrible and it was all self inflicted and always came around contact time.

However over ten years on and in SGOs and with us all having gone through so much with so many different emotions this teenage grandchild loves both parents and accepts them with their faults regardless of how we may feel.

All I can say is that our grandchildren came through it with contact regardless so it is not always all bad for the children. It is worse for us adults sometimes and what we have to go through!

[special4ngel]

quote:All I can say is that our grandchildren came through it with contact regardless so it is not always all bad for the children. It is worse for us adults sometimes and what we have to go through!


I couldn't agree more with LLB. My GD went through hell over contact with her mother, self harming, tempers you name it she went through it!
Strange thing was she behaved like that but always told me that she wanted to see her mother until it came to the time when she was due contact then got very upset and changed her mind, I believed at the time that she didn't want to hurt her mothers feelings but now can see that she herself felt guilty that she might be hurting me too! Although I thought I hid my feelings well from my GD she must have picked up how I felt!!
She is 13 now, still has contact but when she wants it, she makes the rules and myself and mum follow,
No more court visits, no more fighting, we just seem to 'go with the flow' so to say
In Hind sight when I looked back I was fighting my daughter! I didn't think contact was good for my GD. I asked my GD what she thought and she answered to what I believe now as 'what I wanted to hear' not wanting to hurt me and visa versa with her mother.
Now all contact is down to what my GD wants and it was only when this started did we get through to where we are now.

I know it's not right for all children but it is working for us at the moment.








caz

[tomika]

To be honest I thought we would be going to court to fight for reduced and supervised contact, as my nephew is the one refusing to go the previous caffcass officer was the one who said he doesnt go if he doesnt want to. He gets screamed at and called names and so on. I see what your saying but its not because of me he doesnt want to go its because hes scared. Thanks for the advice though, im sure he will come through it. Its just a worry when hes already had to come through his mums death, its a lot for a child to deal with and im trying to protect him best I can.