Christmas contact

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear all,
We are getting calls to our advice line about the difficulties of managing contact over Christmas. We'd be really interested in hearing from you about how you are dealing with the tensions that arise. Please do post any advice for other family and friends carers, or any questions you may have.
all best, Suzie

[Kate]

For us there is tension and sadness about the way our family is now so fractured and the pressure Christmas Day places on us.

Our son won't speak to our daughter (g/d's mum) due to her actions, and I got to the point after Christmas Day two years ago that I couldn't have them both here together any more. Our son was only here for one hour, due to our daughter being here. He totally blanked her as usual, she ran out of the room three times sobbing about it - all with g/d around - and enough was enough. We decided to alternate them so last year was our son's turn as we'd put our daughter first for several years with her being g/d's mum. (In fact our daughter used to stay over, first two nights, then one, but we stopped that after she acted out after g/d went to bed three years ago and it was just like old times before she left home)

Our daughter looks forward to Christmas here for ages as she has no other life, so she was distraught at not coming last year, but we took her out shopping a few days before Christmas and she came on Boxing Day. It all worked out ok.

Our son and his girlfriend now have a baby so I feel very sad that they can't be around with us all together on Christmas Day, but they will call in to exchange presents in the morning then go home. My husband will drive across town to pick up our daughter and her boyfriend, drive to deliver boyfriend to his mum's, and repeat the process a few hours later taking them home. His Christmas Day will be nonstop as he'll be doing dinner because I'm not well enough. It's ridiculous but there are no buses and there's no way our daughter could pay the inflated Christmas Day taxi fares.

We look forward to seeing our g/d happy and excited opening her presents on Christmas morning, but mainly I just want to survive it until we can have a quiet Boxing Day Our son is working 7 days nonstop from Boxing Day so they can't come then unfortunately.

[Kate]

I should have added that I know for many having contact in the home is not appropriate, but even with all the complications we have, our granddaughter loves mummy coming and is really looking forward to having her here on Christmas Day. For anyone else in this same position, where their adult child is still a semi-functioning member of the family and visits are in the home, I can only commiserate rather than offer advice, other than to say you have to do what you can handle. I can't handle my two children in the house any more with one not talking to the other, and the other breaking down over it, and that's even before considering the effect on our granddaughter. It's one of those times where it's a blessing that she has some learning difficulties because she hasn't yet picked up on the rift between her mummy and her uncle, though she did mention mummy seeing the new baby when our son's baby was born, and that's not going to happen (much to our daughter's sadness)

One other thing - I don't think our son stops to think that, although his attitude to his sister is understandable, his dad and I really suffer as a result of it, more than her. If anyone else has to deal with this, how do you handle it?

[Kate]

I'm tempted to say it sounds as if Christmas Day must be blissfully relaxed now you've stopped physical contact close to it, Irene. But it must have been a rough road for you and the children gettinng there.

There are so many different situations we have to deal with here. Our daughter does maintain regular contact, even though we've cut it over time from weekly to fortnightly to monthly because of her getting unreliable and she knows we'll do the same again if we have to.

On the whole we think it's a positive that our g/d has a relationship with her mum which is conducted in a family setting, and where she sees her mum is not only related to her, but to us too. A lot must depend on what the relationship is. If there is still some sort of parent-child relationship between the grandparent and the mother or father of the child/ren being cared for, however difficult, there is more of a desire on the part of the (adult) child to "come home" at some point at Christmas. Of course if they're drunk or high or acting out, too bad, they can't come home, but if on balance we feel home contact is desirable we just have to survive it as best we can.

It would be very interesting to know the stats on contact in the home and contact away from home. Does FRG have any figures? Is anyone else having their adult child visit in the home this Christmas?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Kate,

We have recently written a report entitled Managing contact: Research findings on managing contact with parents and relatives for children living in family and friends care arrangements. The document will be back on our website after Christmas.
Having had a look through, I note (in answer to your query) the following which was taken from our website survey:

3.3 Where does contact take place and is it supervised? In half the responses, contact with the mother was taking place at the carer’s home, with
20% taking place at the mother’s home and 14% at an agreed neutral venue. 6% were
going to a contact centre, 4% to someone else’s home and 2% to a social work office.
None were having contact at a prison or hospital. Three respondents were having
contact at more than one venue.

all best, Suzie

[Kate]

Thanks Suzie, that's useful to know. I'm quite surprised at the percentage of contact visits taking place at the carers' homes as it doesn't seem to be mentioned all that often in the forum. It would be encouraging if that was because it isn't causing too many issues for most, but hard to believe it's that simple!

[Kate]

It's very hard when Christmas triggers memories that are traumatic. Irene, I didn't mean to sound flippant with the comment about it being relaxing not having the contact around Christmas - to get to that point things must have been very bad for some time. You're absolutely right to protect your girls as you do. All we can all do is protect them to the best of our ability and try to give them as happy and carefree a Christmas as possible. I hope the mood lifts over the next couple of days so you can all enjoy Christmas Day.

[Kate]

Bless you Irene I shall raise a glass too, and I'm sure many of us here will do the same. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas, and wish the same to all of us and the children we love so dearly.