SGOs REALLY NEED ADVICE

[jane brent]

Hi. I am new to this site, and i really, really need some advice...I have had a SGO on my grandson for basically 4yrs now. I have stopped contact with his mother since easter, because he is always stressed and very uneasy in her company. (even with us there, because contact has to be supervised so she comes to our home) She doesnt pay much attention to him when she comes, but shes now decided that she wants him to know that shes his mum, and wants him to stay with her weekends. She has now told us that she is taking us to court, to get more contact, and overnight weekends.
I really dont want to have to do contact centres with him, because he is on the austic spectrum, and i know that he cant handle any sort of change at all, and i also know that it will be us that have to pick up the pieces with him having night terrors and wetting the bed etc...Our grandson means everything to us and we have made him our lives, we have had him since he was 6 months old, and hes now coming up for 6. If she takes us to court, am i going against the order, by stopping contact. I have looked at the SGO and there is no mention of any contact arrangements regarding the mother.....so what are my limits, because all im trying to do, is stop seeing my grandson getting stessed by her visits....Jane

[jane brent]

Hi Irene, thank you very much for your message. When g/s was at playschool last year, the mother had moved, so for about a month she didnt see him. We were told from the playschool, that he settled and was coming on better, and they put it down to the fact that he wasnt seeing his mum at that time. She was having fortnightly contact, and we have tried meeting her out, ie parks, playzones etc, and have even taken one of our other grandchildren with us, but when shes around, he just sticks to us, and wont interact with anyone or anything.
We have cut the visits down to 1hr, but for even that space of time, hes just not settled, i dont know if its her smell or voice, but something he just doesnt like about her, even at night after her visits, or meeting out, he will cuddle up to us and say "will the monsters get me" and its the only time that he says that.
I do understand that he needs to have some sort of relationship with his mum, and ive never stopped it until now, but i feel like im traumatising him evertime he sees her, and im very concerned for him....The sgo, is giving for us to protect and keep them safe, but i feel like im doing the opposite, just so his mum can see him....what annoys me also, is that she hasnt listened at all about the autism, she just see and wants what she wants, i just see and want what my grandson wants.....and i feel like my concerns mean nothing. I just dont know what to do for the best.

[radar]

Hi Jane, I can't advise on the contact part of your query, but I hope I can help with your grandson and his autism as I think this is the important part.I have been caring for my grandson (13) for 2 years, he has severe autism, so I understand how you feel about protecting him from upset and change of routine.

Autism is so complex and varies from child to child. Does your grandson actually understand
what/who a mum is? after all he has been with you since he was 6 months old. To him mum is
probably a stranger with a label who comes into his personal space occassionally, doesn't
really interact with him then leaves. Emotions are not in my grandson's make up, hugs and
touching I feel are more a means of confirming that I am there, his safety blanket, but it is
nice to think they are because he loves me.

I have found that professionals have little understanding of autism, they tend to see it as a
one 'title' fits all. It is up to you to 'educate' others so your grandson is seen as an individual. I suggest you keep a daily diary of the ups and especially downs and how you have to deal with him and if possible the triggers to his behaviour. Include things you do automatically but you wouldn't need to do for a 'normal' child, eg diet, is he sensative to certain clothing materials, does sound affect him, do smells affect him, does he need a daily routine etc.

The reason I say this is because it will show Mum and others involved with him, that having him for a weekend will not be 'a walk in the park'. Also get as many reports as you can from paediatrician, nursery, health visitor, gp, school, and CAMHS and educational psychologist if they are involved plus anyone else you can think of. Videos of how he reacts to things could also be useful.

I hope this helps

[jane brent]

Thank you Radar for your message...my grandson has lots of different issues, due to the autism, ie labels on clothes, have to all be taken off, socks have to be turned inside out, because of the seam on the toes, he has to get dressed in the same way each day, hands streight over his ears, and screaming, ie (if the rabbit jumps out of his cage). Food packets that change the design on the pkt or box, then he will not eat it, even if its his favourite food, he has to have his food liquidised, cos he can eat lumps, if he tries hes violently sick..calls me a silly mummy, if i move my bread bin, or microwave, he even seems to sence if i move an ornament on my shelf slightly......but thats what makes him wonderful and my little solider...He knows me and my husband as mummy and daddy.

His natural mother knows of his autism, but just doesnt listen about him at all....plus when she is here, or we meet out, because he just clings to us, she somehow thinks it will be easy, and just does not listen to anything we tell her about him. He does go for physciotherepy, which they are going to review in oct. Jane

[radar]

Hi Jane - how about putting a package together for mum - leaflets about autism, a timetable of grandson's daily routine and a list of his issues and how you deal with them. Send to mum recorded mail. It is then up to her to read them or ignore them, but she cant say you havent given her the information.

[jane brent]

Hi Radar...I took your advice, and got quite a bit of info regarding autism, plus wrote out my grandson routine, and i took it around to her. All i got was abuse from her and her partner, she wasnt at all interested in anything that i had to say, or the leaflets. In the end i just said well read through them, but then i got another lot of abuse.

All she kept doing was screaming at me telling me that she wants to see her son, and if it worries him then he just gonna have to get used to it, cos shes his mother. I know by her attutide that she really doesnt want to understand, its not that shes a young girl, shes 30yrs old, and im so annoyed with her at the moment, and upset too. Maybe sometimes, there is just no hope for some people.

I have this morning had 2 calls from her, telling me that she dont give a s**t about him having autism, she wants to see him, or she taking me to court. Its just all too much sometimes isnt it> Jane

[radar]

I agree with Irene about a witness.
In one of your posts you said your grandson says he doesn't want the monsters to get him. If he is anything like my grandson he will remember everything he hears and if mum has said about wanting him to go and stay with her and he has heard it he will have translated it into something he is familiar with - monsters and put it together with coming to get him. There minds work in strange ways and what they sometimes say can be difficult to interpret.