missed contact

[tomika]

Hi

Long story short...been in court who ordered a certain level of contact (every 2 weeks)...and dad attended only 3 in around 3 months blaming a miss understanding (he thought there was only 3 ordered)....next time in court they rule the same thing and dad has now missed 2, first one he said somebody died and he forgot about contact, second one he hasnt given a reason. Considering he has gotten away with it so much in the past without even a slap on the wrist, they literally dont even mention it to him in court as they believe his reasons, im just wondering when and if they will ever say enough is enough.

on top of this the child who is 11 in a couple of months is still maintaining he doesnt want to go, yet he has to have a 3rd wishes and feeling report done after these contacts. But whats the point? they didnt listen to him the first 2 times. 3 has to be extreme surely?

I think they are all rooting for dad and wont stop until the child says what they want to hear so they can sleep at night. Yet dad can lie in court, show up 40 minutes late, argue with the judge, threaten to walk out and have his mobile go off 3 times and nobody bats an eye lid. Its so unfair and this poor kid has had enough.

Fed up

[David Roth]

Hi tomika

This sounds very frustrating. I think that for many people the most difficult thing about being a family and friends carers is managing the contact.

I take it you are going through a court process at the moment (care proceedings?), and the court will be reviewing the contact arrangements as the case proceeds? If this is the case, then the best thing to do is to grit your teeth and proceed with the contact arrangements that the court has set up, but also to make full notes of what has happened, so that the court will have all the information it needs when it reviews these arrangements. If the child goes to contact only reluctantly and with persuasion, then make a note of how this happened, and what he says to you after the contact. Hopefully the court will note that dad is not showing up to contact, and reduce or remove the contact accordingly.

Courts do sometimes allow parents a bit of latitude in their behaviour, as they recognise that care or other proceedings can be a very emotional time. However, this doesn't mean that the court is biased in favour of the parents, and I would expect the judgment to take full account of everything that has emerged during the proceedings. You can help by making sure the judge gets all the information she/he needs, eg about important matters like how contact is going, so making very full notes will really assist this.

Hopefully everything can work out for the best in the long run.

[tomika]

thanks for the reply, I suppose deep down I know the only thing I can do is keep a record..I just get fed up.

Little bit of back ground: Ive had residence since age 4. Dad didnt meet the child until he was 5 years old (his mum died when he was 4 and he has lived with me since 18 months). After 2 years of taking him reluctantly to contact, some issues were raised which made me stop contact altogether, and so dad took me back to court. After many delays the child is now almost 11 and twice they have given dad contact which he attends sporadically. Ive also had to sit through his lies in court and hear things about his personal life which makes me worry about his mental state yet nobody even responds in court to these things.

Ill be glad when hes to old to be taken to court and can just make his own mind up.

Thanks for the advise.

[David Roth]

Tomika, from what you've said this sounds like a private law case, brought by the boy's father. Is there a CAFCASS officer involved? You should make sure you discuss your concerns with him/her. They are very influential over what the court decides. The CAFCASS officer should also interview the child to ascertain his views about contact, and then represent them to the court.

It must be very frustrating to have to deal with being taken to court in this way, after the child has been with you so long, especially given the father's lack of contact.

Is dad looking for a contact order, or some other sort of order, like a residence order? If he wants a contact order, then it will be important to show the court that you are willing for him to have contact without any order being made, and that you are able to use your discretion to decide what level and sort of contact would be best for the child, taking account also of the child's own views. From what you have said, the lack of contact is down to dad not keeping to the arrangements, not you preventing it from happening, and the court needs to be made aware of this.

[tomika]

It is a private case and we do have a cafcass adviser. He made a recommendation for contact to be in the community which we supported. Dad didnt want this and insists that it be in his home and overnight, but the child is refusing and only agreeing to go at all because we'v persuaded him, plus its been going on for so long now I think hes just warn down by it all.

Despite the recommendation and our support of it, the judge ruled for 3 months more contact and a third wishes and feeling report at the end. Ive let Cafcass know that he's missed two contacts out of the first three since court and its not really good for the child who is becoming more and more unwilling to go, he is literally growing to hate him and its not healthy, I worry for his emotional welfare now and in the future because of this. He wishes his dad dead at times. Yet we get in court and dad just blames me, saying its all learned behavior.

It seems as long as dad has an excuse for missing contact, such as miss understanding the order, being stuck in traffic an hour away or a family death then he gets away with it. Even before the last hearing when we were having '3 months of contact followed by a wishes and feelings report' dad only came to 3. They accepted that he misunderstood the order, despite the fact that we all agreed to it in court and the judge read out what he was writing in front of all parties. I just give up.

[tomika]

The first time he didnt let us know, he said he forgot. We also use a contact phone in case of emergencies during the visit so only have it switched on that day (the judge asked that any communication be via email), so on switching it on we found a text from a few days before saying he wouldnt make it...he had actually got the wrong day anyway and when we informed him of this he still said he wouldnt be coming. No reason was given for this I just put it down to him having the wrong day and being unprepared.

The child has been glad not to go, but angry that Ive made him go when he didnt want to in the first place.

[David Roth]

Tomika, you should explain to him that the reason you are insisting he goes for contact is that a judge has said the contact has to happen, and that you have to do what the court orders. Also, that when he gets the chance to speak to the CAFCASS officer, he needs to make his own wishes clear. Since it is being suggested that you are influencing the boy, he needs to make it clear that whatever he says is his own thoughts and wishes, not ones that you have suggested to him.

Hopefully the court might be using this three months to test out the different versions the judge is hearing of the truth. Dad is saying he wants more contact, but he is having trouble even keeping to the contact he already has. Dad is saying that you are teaching the boy what to do and say, but the Cafcass officer ought to find out the truth of this.

The court's decision will probably be based on what happens during this three months, and from what you've said dad isn't doing himself any favours.

[tomika]

Dad missed contact again. No phone call, nothing to explain why. When will this be over

[Robin D]

As long as you are documenting it all, you will fine eventually.

It's important that you also note down that you've heard nothing and had no explanation, plus the child's reaction. Make sure the facts are passed to the guardian.

Robin

[tomika]

Message from dad...wont be coming to contact this week as he has arranged to have one of his other children. He went on to ask "why we weren't at the last contact, he waited half an hour for us and the phone was switched off?" Well my reply to that is contact wasn't on that day it was a different day, and as he failed to attend that one we had kept the phone switched on anticipating a message explaining why for two weeks. And guess what, no missed calls, so obviously he didn't even attend this imaginary contact either because there is no way he would drive all the way to the venue, us not show up and him just leave and go back home. He would have gone crazy.

he went on to say how the child has loved contact and he thinks we made everything up, he has even recorded it to prove to court. I thought it was odd that on one of the contacts he did about 4 different activities in one day, things that you would normally spread out over time such as cinema, fair ground, swimming, football... all in one day. Now its clear he just wanted to film it for court.

there is about one more contact before court and we have statements to do now (self representing). Which i think is why he went on to say "he hopes he can have proper contact with the child in future that doesn't effect his family commitments, and how we can work together to raise his child"....almost like its me that's not attended every single one when I have.

So here we are again. Out of 3 months of contact he has attended two. Similar to last time when he only attended 3. The one this week is the only one he took the time to cancel with us before hand. Normally the poor kid would just be sat there waiting.

Dont really know how to word my statement, without ranting.