Family Rights Group | Kinship carers’ Forum

Hello.

Ok, so my wife and I are mid fifties; have an 8 year old GD under SGO since she was 3.

There is no Dad involved at all.

How we arrived at that is important, so the longest story short is our daughter (GDs Mum obvs) has adhd, fell off completely and went escorting and fell into a bit of an underworld / drugs for a while. She turned a few corners, sacked off some bad people and now has a positive relationship with us all and it’s been settled for a number of years now.

She has a new friend. I’m 99% sure he’s a high level dealer; she’s tells us he’s into property and so on; she tells her friend and our confidant (who tries to have everyone’s backs she’s amazing) that he’s big in the coke game and makes serious serious money. He got pulled and had £10k in cash in his car a while back.

For the first time in a while I’m stuck as to how to proceed; she wants us to all meet to try and prove he’s legit; she’s known him 4 weeks and didn’t even know his full name until a week ago; she’s gullible, naive and also vulnerable.

Naturally I don’t want him anywhere near any of us, I’m stuck as to where to get some proper advice

Firstly we could go to the local police and the safeguarding team; we could also go to the social worker team; not that we’ve seen or needed them since the SGO. We fearful of being pursued by any of these two for information on this guy the last thing we want to do is be associated with giving his details to authorities. We also want to do the right thing and not put ourselves in a position where our decision we make is wrong and is consequently questioned

We’re also finding it difficult to give our daughter a justifiable reason not to meet without giving up our confidant.

Naturally this guy won’t get near our GD; the challenge is how (and if) to continue to see the mother when we can’t guarantee it’s safe. We thought we could meet at neutral places - basically go back to supervised contact. Or we cut her off altogether.

If anyone can give me a decent steer I’d be grateful

Thanks
GG

Hi GrandadG and welcome from another granddad.

I don't need to tell you that your highest priority is to protect your granddaughter. You imply your daughter has been having unsupervised contact and that seems to have been going well. You don't say, but I suspect your fear is that your daughter will or has already exposed your GD to the new friend and you are concerned about his suitability and background.

Were I in your shoes I think I would be quietly contacting the child protection team at your local police station. Explain your difficulty and the concerns you have but point out that you don't want your daughter to know who has expressed any concern. They will maintain confidentiality. They may also bring in Children's Services, but if they do, there is nothing to worry about as they will only be trying to ensure your granddaughter remains safe.

@Suzie, the FRG advisor is likely to also offer advice. Anything she suggests you should follow in preference to my advice.

Best wishes ..... Robin

Hello Robin.

Thanks yours I’m grateful

In fact our daughter has been away for several weeks so I’m confident GD hasn't been exposed; also GD would tell us too.

If we have this chat aren’t they naturally going to want to follow him up aswell ? That’s one of my fears.

We have good experience with social services when we took GD on so we comfortable with that; the concern at this stage is giving this man’s details and it coming back to us; our primary reach out is for advice in regards to contact with mum

Thanks again

As you have a SGO, it's your decision. as I am sure you are aware. That said, I would be tempted to maintain contact if it is going well, while making sure your daughter is aware that she should tell you if anyone else is to be at the contact. The best way is possibly to remind her that contact is for the child and with her as she is so important to your granddaughter.

If she then ignores you and your GD either tells you, or becomes secretive following contact, then its time to take matters forward. One would hope that by being open about contact, your daughter will realise that she should not put her daughter under the pressure of keeping secrets.

That's not to say that you should welcome this person, or even agree to meet him. Frankly who your adult daughter wishes to spend time with is down to her unless she is a 'vulnerable adult'. While she clearly has vulnerabilities, ADHD doesn't usually put someone in that category, but you know her best.

I wish you luck.

Robin

GrandadG wrote: Mon Sep 16, 2024 8:06 pm Hello.

Ok, so my wife and I are mid fifties; have an 8 year old GD under SGO since she was 3.

There is no Dad involved at all.

How we arrived at that is important, so the longest story short is our daughter (GDs Mum obvs) has adhd, fell off completely and went escorting and fell into a bit of an underworld / drugs for a while. She turned a few corners, sacked off some bad people and now has a positive relationship with us all and it’s been settled for a number of years now.

She has a new friend. I’m 99% sure he’s a high level dealer; she’s tells us he’s into property and so on; she tells her friend and our confidant (who tries to have everyone’s backs she’s amazing) that he’s big in the coke game and makes serious serious money. He got pulled and had £10k in cash in his car a while back.

For the first time in a while I’m stuck as to how to proceed; she wants us to all meet to try and prove he’s legit; she’s known him 4 weeks and didn’t even know his full name until a week ago; she’s gullible, naive and also vulnerable.

Naturally I don’t want him anywhere near any of us, I’m stuck as to where to get some proper advice

Firstly we could go to the local police and the safeguarding team; we could also go to the social worker team; not that we’ve seen or needed them since the SGO. We fearful of being pursued by any of these two for information on this guy the last thing we want to do is be associated with giving his details to authorities. We also want to do the right thing and not put ourselves in a position where our decision we make is wrong and is consequently questioned

We’re also finding it difficult to give our daughter a justifiable reason not to meet without giving up our confidant.

Naturally this guy won’t get near our GD; the challenge is how (and if) to continue to see the mother when we can’t guarantee it’s safe. We thought we could meet at neutral places - basically go back to supervised contact. Or we cut her off altogether.

If anyone can give me a decent steer I’d be grateful

Thanks
GG

Dear Granddad G

Welcome to the kinship carers’ discussion forum and thank you for posting.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group and will respond to your posts. I see that you have had responses from another poster offering their on the action they believe you could take in the situation you are facing at present.

You have a special guardianship order (SGO) for your granddaughter and have done for some years. Her mother has ADHD and you consider her to be vulnerable. She managed to address the additional issues she had related to drugs and the relationship has improved and your granddaughter has good contact with her mother.

The concern that you now have is that you daughter has formed a friendship with someone whom you have been told is involved with drugs although your daughter has told you he is in property. You are concerned that your daughter is in an inappropriate relationship which is very new, but she wants you all to meet with this person. The dilemma you have now is whether to inform children’s services of your concerns regarding this friend of your daughter.

As mentioned by the other poster the decision is entirely yours regarding your granddaughter and how and when she sees her mother. You can meet the mother and her partner without your granddaughter to make up your own mind. Whilst maintaining a relationship with your daughter is important, your granddaughter is your focus.

Once you have met this man, you will be able to make an informed decision whether children’s services need to be informed. The issue is contact which is your responsibility as special guardian. No safeguarding issue would arise unless your granddaughter spends time with her mother and her new partner.

I have included below links to our website to information I think you may find helpful

1. Here is special guardianship information for parents

2. Here is a Quick facts table regarding parental responsibility

Hope this is useful to you. Should wish to speak with one of our advisers, telephone
our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3.00pm
Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays)

Best wishes

Suzie