Family Rights Group | Kinship carers’ Forum

Hi there. We are now at the end of our tether with our 12yo grandson who has lived with us under an SGO for 4 years. SS answer is for Dad to help out more which he does for a weekend every 2 weeks. However the 12 days he is with us are hell. The usual verbal abuse, running away, punching walls etc, shop lifting, and he hurt me twice on the weekend but stopped short of hitting me but no doubt that's coming. We can't go anywhere without an incident happening which usually entails a public melt down and running away. School complain about him. Other parents complain about him. He gravitates to others like him so gets in trouble when out. We are 59 and 64 and if he doesn't leave our marriage will likely break down (37 years) and I dread to think the toll its already taken on our health. He's been accepted by CAMHS but the treatment waiting list keeps getting longer so who knows when he'll start. He has worked with various people in SS and understands his behaviour is unacceptable. However his red mist is never far away and when it comes down he's downright dangerous. 2 days ago he threw a rock but fortunately it landed on some grass and then smashed a patio slab up with his scooter. Fair to say the relationship is now totally broken down which isn't fair on him as its now just making matters worse. We will not be fobbed off by SS any longer and are pressing ahead with a court order application. I was hoping to hear from anybody who has been to court to advise how easy or difficult it was to get the order, what had to be proven, what the judge asked etc.. It is absolutely criminal how SS operate- they turn up and pressure you into getting the sgo or you will never see your gs again. Don't tell you anything about trauma etc. Then leave you to it. But I'm preaching to the converted here I know

Hello and welcome xvanv6.

I recognise all those behaviours, and its very difficult indeed and I understand why you wish to discharge the order. However, you do not need to do that if you tell Children's Services in writing that you can no longer cope with his behaviour and that you wish for him to be 'accommodated under section 20 of the Children Act as his welfare will be 'seriously prejudiced' without such accommodation. You may wish to try to discuss it with him beforehand to see if he really does not want to live with you any more. I know this as we had to do similar about 15 years back. Our grandson had a diagnosis of ADHD, and had just started medication when he put himself in care at 14, but only after the police had been called on numerous occasions and on one, he had put me in A&E. The good news is that we were able to maintain some meaningful contact and while he went off the rails and did a short stint in prison, at 29 he is now pleasant, visits frequently and has been helpful as both our health fails.

In effect, by going for a section 20, you would be doing exactly what would happen if the order is discharged in that the LA would then have to take him into the care system.

I further suggest you talk to your GP and explain exactly what is happening especially as it's affecting your health so adversely. Unfortunately, even when seen by CAHMS, it is several months or possibly years before you get a diagnosis and real help. However, the GP may be able to apply pressure to get him pushed up the waiting list whether with you or not.

As far as discharging the order is concerned you would need to make an application to the court. The Court Office is likely to provide the best help with that. I would not worry at all about what the judge might say or ask. It's highly likely CAFCASS and Children's Services will be asked to get involved and do reports so that will give more than enough detail to what has happened. The downside of discharging the order is that you lose all influence in what then happens, yet you clearly have been a significant part of your grandsons life.

I really feel for you as you move through this really difficult period. It's heart-wrenchingly painful.

Suzie, The FRG advisor may have different and more current advice, but I hope this has been of some help.

Good luck .... Robin

Dear xvanv6

Welcome to the kinship carers’ board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are going through. You are special guardians for your 12-year-old grandson. You are really struggling with his behaviour which is very challenging. He is awaiting treatment/support from CAMHS, but you do not know when that will be available.

In the meantime, his father offers some limited support and children’s services have been involved. Unfortunately, despite this you are under extreme pressure and are applying to the court to discharge the SGO. You are seeking advice from other kinship carers about their experiences of asking the court to end the SGO.

Another experienced kinship carer, RobinD, has provided you with a very comprehensive response.

I am not sure if the special guardianship support or kinship care team are already directly involved or whether you had child in need support from children’s services. Please do explore what additional support or advice they can offer, if that is appropriate, to allow you to care for your grandson.

I also wondered if you know about the Respect Young Persons Programme which works with young people, including those with additional needs, who are behaving abusively to their carers. You can find out more here.

However, as Robin has clarified, if you are no longer able to care for your grandson, if he is beyond your parental control or the relationship between you has broken down preventing you from caring for him, then you could ask children’s services to accommodate him under a section 20 voluntary arrangement. They would have to assess the situation and would look to see what other support or options were available. They are required to explore family and friends first. But it necessary, they could arrange a foster placement for him with your consent. Please see our advice on voluntary arrangements under section 20 here. This applies to England only.

You don’t need children’s services’ consent to agreement to apply to end the SGO. But of course, the court would have to ensure that your grandson was safely cared for. As it is a private law application then you may be able to get legal advice about the process involved from a solicitor, from Child Law Advice or practical support if you are applying without a solicitor from Support Through Court.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie