Feel so ignored by social services

[Desperatemother22]

I never imagined that after surviving domestic violence and coercive control, rebuilding my life would still leave me feeling so powerless.

Over the last few years I have worked incredibly hard to turn my life around. I have remained free from substances, secured stable housing, and I am now in the final stages of completing a nursing degree. I have spent years proving to myself and others that I am capable, responsible and committed to creating a positive future.

Yet despite all of this, I feel as though I am constantly having to defend myself.

I lost three of my children to adoption. For years, my older children were able to maintain contact with their younger siblings. However, when my eldest son turned 18 and chose to reconnect with me, that contact between the siblings ceased.

At a recent meeting I respectfully expressed my personal feelings about the adoption. As a birth mother, I still struggle with the reality of what happened. I stated that, in my eyes, the adopters are not my children's parents. Whether people agree with that view or not, it was an honest expression of grief and loss.

I was shocked to later receive communication suggesting that this opinion was evidence that I am unstable.

At the same time, a parenting assessment that I have been asking for continues to be delayed, deadlines keep moving, and attempts have been made to arrange visits at times when it was already known I would be unavailable. These situations are then used to suggest that I have not engaged.

The result is that I feel unheard, judged and bullied. I feel as though decisions have already been made and that anything I say or do can be interpreted negatively. Questions go unanswered and concerns are dismissed.

I am not asking for special treatment. I am asking for fairness, transparency and accountability. I am asking to be judged on who I am today, not who I was during the most traumatic period of my life.

Right now, I feel exhausted, defeated and helpless. No matter how hard I try, it feels like I cannot win.

I know there are many families who have had positive experiences with social services, and I respect the difficult job that many professionals do. But there also needs to be space for parents and birth families to speak honestly about their experiences when they feel they are not being heard.

Thank you to everyone who continues to support me through what has been the most painful journey of my life.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Desperatemother22

Welcome to Family Rights Group parents’ forum and thank you for posting.

From your post you have worked hard to address issues in your life which led to your children being removed from your care and subsequently adopted. Congratulations on what you have achieved in turning things around in your life.

Your 18-year-old son has now reconnected with you but you are concerned that the contact between siblings ended at this point. It is unclear from your post how the reconnection came about and, it may be, that the other children’s adoptive parents may have concerns about this. You do nor mention the children’s ages and they could make a choice regarding contact. If there was good contact in the past which was agreed between the adoptive parents.

You do not say why you are going through a parenting assessment now with children’s services or what advice you ae seeking.

I am sorry that you are feeling unheard and that you have been described as unstable because of the views you expressed at a recent meeting regarding adoption. You are a mother whose children were adopted and that is an ongoing sense of pain and loss. Whist I can understand your views on adoption, adoptive parents are parents and for many children adoption is positive experience emotionally and physically They choose to be parents and that should not be taken away from them, those children are their children legally and emotionally, but the loss to the birth family is also real.

It may be helpful for you to contact PAC-UK on 0300 180 0090 who offers advice and support related to adoption.

You may also find it useful to read what parents who experienced loss of their children to adoption on our website
1. Shame to strength/b]
2. MBE and me

Try not to feel helpless or defeated you have been working hard to change your life and from what you say in your post you have been strong and resilient to come out to the position where you say you are at now.

You may find it helpful to use our birth families map HERE to find advice and support

I hope this is useful, but should you wish to speak with one of our experienced advisers about your involvement with children’s services now, yu can telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3.00pm Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays)

Best wishes

Suzie