New partner on Sex offenders register

[Anon0410]

So I've been seeing someone for a few months, hes the loveliest sweetest person I've ever met. I have a young son. Last week he informed me that I would be getting a call from the police as he is on the sex offenders register. Obviously I was shocked by this. But, it was a couple of years ago when he was 18, a nearly 16 year old sent him some kind of personal video which he then stupid shared with a friend, not realising. So he was put on for 3 years, no jail time or any other action was taken. On his yearly check he mentioned he had started a new relationship and was honest and said I had a child. Hes only stayed a handful of times anyway but he didnt realise he wasnt meant to. The police informed me that he wasnt meant to spend more than 12 hours with a child at a time (even though his offence was against a girl near his age, and I genuinely believe it was a stupid mistake), but they are acting like hes an animal, and trying to make out like he could he grooming me or could coerce me and my judgement in the way of looking after my child. But I know that he is not like that. Aaanyway, she was asking loads of questions and asked how I was going to 'manage' this relationship, then said that she has no choice but to refer me to childrens services. This was 5 days ago now and I've heard nothing. I thought if it was serious then they would be onto it already? Do I stand a chance in telling them that my partner is no risk to my son considering the circumstances? I would never put my child at risk, if it was something to do with a young child then that would be the end but he is so embarrassed by it and it was just a mistake. He never spent unsupervised time with him anyway obviously but now of course we are treading on egg shells and not seeing eachother at all while with my son. Just wanted some advice on how long child services will take to get in contact and if they will listen to my thoughts and feelings with all of this. Thanks

[PerfectlySafeDad]

They'll be getting in touch with you for sure, because they 'have to' (their usual language). They're pathetic and have no moderation or common sense. They've had a 'referral' so they'll make sure to act on it, to cover their backs over any slightest risk they can imagine they can see. ... It's an outrage a young man should be put on the register for this in the first place, with all the implications for it holds for him for a very long time if not forever, and now the police slavishly adhere to the letter and inform the SS to cover their backs who will now act to cover their backs in turn. It's pathetic and so harmful to our society. That phrase "we have no choice" makes me sick and shows how risible our authorities are, their decision-making processes simply don't engage a brain. Now they'll probably go all out to wreck any nice, innocent fledgling relationship your BF has with your son, which helps to raise your son to be confused and paranoid over human relationships in the future. Luckily you seem sensible and can resist this happening to him and the damage social services will potentially do to his outlook on life.
They'll indeed want to know how you intend to 'manage' this relationship, and this 'risk' to your son.
You must not claim your BF is 'no risk' and that you trust him implicitly etc, because time and time again on here we see that the know-it-all tyrants at SS will claim to know better and they'll put you down as naive and unsafe yourself, and you'll be setting off on an endless path of harassment and draconian attention from them which will be well-nigh impossible to reverse (because they never ever admit mistakes or back-track on a policy).
Short of completely rolling over and agreeing with every single thing they say (in effect being totally bullied) I would advice a canny middle path. Tell them exactly the details of your BF's offence and sentence, to show you understand it and are not stupid, but avoid saying he's either a risk or not a risk. Just show that you're aware, focus on how you've been a good mother to date and therefore you wouldn't start now with putting your child at risk. Why would you? That's what I'd say to them. When they start on the path of how will protect your child? (as they will) just come out with simple irrefutable logic: "well, he's offended against a teenage girl but never against a young child or a boy, so why should he start now?" Say that you'll watch out for any subtle signs that he might not be safe with your son, in the unlikely event this is the case. That's how I would want to put it to them, but it really is hard to win, they're such pigs.
I don't know what else to suggest, because whatever you say it will probably come to the crunch with the question of 'would you allow him unsupervized contact'? If you say yes, they'll be all over you. I think it's an utter violation of human rights to allow yourself to be dictated to, though, so if you're feeling brave tell them "I'll take some more time to get to know him and allow unsupervised contact gradually when I'm sure". Even that will probably not wash with them, but if you come across as intelligent and sensible you might stand a chance. Sorry to sound so cynical and bleak, I hope I am wrong with how this one pans out, but I hate their guts and I'm so not the only one.

Edited by Suzie

[Anon0410]

Firstly thankyou so much for replying.
I'm glad to see that someone else sees the stupidity in this. Because I'm worried that whoever this is reported to will get the basics and hear the title but not get the whole story. They've taken details for his nursery and doctors which I understand but I just want to explain to them exactly and feel like shaking sense into everyone to they see hes not a raging paedophile!!
I'm definitely going to be sensible, intelligent and calm about it but I'm also worried that that will make me seem like I'm not understanding but I guess that'll be portrayed through my words. When the first woman officer rang me I was getting upset cos I was frustrated and she was there like 'oh I know it's a shock isnt it' and I felt like saying, no, I'm not upset because of that it's the way theres a 'but' to everything I'm saying to you and you're just not getting it. I know they work with people all across the SO spectrum so surely theyd have come across a situation like this before and would deal with it accordingly, like I said, if he was offending against a little kid then I could understand but alternative treatment should be thought about in this scenario no?? But like you said, they dont engage with the brain when making these decisions.
I'm just surprised by the lack of urgency, it's been a week and I've heard nothing. The only thing I've had is a call, not even a home visit. Do they expect me to know what to do? Or if I was a different person I could just be carrying on as I was against that little information they gave me. I had 2 missed calls from a private number yesterday while I was driving. But they never called back or left a voicemail and I have no way of phoning back. Hoping they dont use that against me as I feel like they'll use anything.
Feel like I'm living in worry not knowing what's going to be said or done. Such a strange feeling being told who you can or cant be with

[Anon0410]

Also, In the case of me being able to think for myself and not be coerced into anything etc.. can I mention that I broke up with a long term partner at the beginning of the year as his illness was causing me big stress and chest pain so for the sake of me being able to look after my child, I broke up with him (against what my heart was telling me because I wouldn't be able to take care of him anymore), so I could be healthy and focus on my son.
Or I feel like this might go against me in that theyd say I've had a 'questionable childhood', but when I was 16 my stepdad was being weird and spying on me, looking through my window and just general non-touchy creepy. So I gave my mum an ultimatum, either I go or he does. Willing to put myself homeless to get away. (Obviously he went because thats what mothers do). But I just want to prove that I would do whatever it takes to look after myself, and my son. No matter the situation or if someone is going to be put out over it

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

So I've been seeing someone for a few months, hes the loveliest sweetest person I've ever met. I have a young son. Last week he informed me that I would be getting a call from the police as he is on the sex offenders register. Obviously I was shocked by this. But, it was a couple of years ago when he was 18, a nearly 16 year old sent him some kind of personal video which he then stupid shared with a friend, not realising. So he was put on for 3 years, no jail time or any other action was taken. On his yearly check he mentioned he had started a new relationship and was honest and said I had a child. Hes only stayed a handful of times anyway but he didnt realise he wasnt meant to. The police informed me that he wasnt meant to spend more than 12 hours with a child at a time (even though his offence was against a girl near his age, and I genuinely believe it was a stupid mistake), but they are acting like hes an animal, and trying to make out like he could he grooming me or could coerce me and my judgement in the way of looking after my child. But I know that he is not like that. Aaanyway, she was asking loads of questions and asked how I was going to 'manage' this relationship, then said that she has no choice but to refer me to childrens services. This was 5 days ago now and I've heard nothing. I thought if it was serious then they would be onto it already? Do I stand a chance in telling them that my partner is no risk to my son considering the circumstances? I would never put my child at risk, if it was something to do with a young child then that would be the end but he is so embarrassed by it and it was just a mistake. He never spent unsupervised time with him anyway obviously but now of course we are treading on egg shells and not seeing eachother at all while with my son. Just wanted some advice on how long child services will take to get in contact and if they will listen to my thoughts and feelings with all of this. Thanks

Dear Anon0410

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thank you for your post.

I see from your post that you are very worried about children’s services becoming involved with you following a referral by the police.
In your post you explain that your partner is on the sex offenders register because he shared inappropriate images of a child. For this, he is not able to be with a child for more than 12 hours and has to report to the police. Since you have been in a relationship with him you have found him to be a lovely and sweet person and, in your view, he made a mistake and really I not a bad person.

Have you considered that your partner was not open with you at the beginning of your relationship with such a significant part of his life? You do not think that your partner is the kind of person who might have any motives for being in a relationship with you for example, grooming was suggested by the police.

The likelihood is that children’s services will be in touch with you further as they will be concerned about your partner’s history and whether you are able to protect your son. Please read our advice sheet An introductory guide to Children’s Services. This explain the procedures the children’s services follow when they receive a referral. Please do not think that because they have not been in touch for 5 days means that it is not being taken seriously.

It may be that children’s services decides to do an assessment to help them decide if you need additional support under a child in need plan or child protection plan would be more appropriate. Please read our advice sheets Family support and Child protection procedures for more explanation relating to both situations.

Most importantly, you need to think about how you are going to show children’s services that you are able to protect your son. Simply, saying that your partner made a mistake and is not a ‘raging paedophile’ might not be the best way to show that you are a protective factor for your son. You might find it helpful to contact Parents Protect on 0808 100 0900. This service is offered by the Lucy Faithfull Foundation on the same telephone number who offers advice and support to families as well as perpetrator of offences of a sexual nature.

Trying to minimise of explain your partner’s actions in the commission of his offence will not be helpful when children’s services become involved. The fact is your partner has restrictions on him because of his previous behaviour so they will want to look at his level of risk to your son and you. It is also very important that you work openly and honestly with children's services to have the best outcome for you and your family.

You may wish to speak to an adviser about your situation and, if so, please telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie