Feeling Confused Help

[geecam38]

I will give a brief synopsis of my situation:

I have a set of twins to my former partner, of whom we were together for about 7 years, our relationship whilst together was not perfect, she ws my first serious gf, we lived together, and argued about her drinking and going out a lot, she cheated on me several occasions, and we did not know if the twins were mine, until they were born. (they are). My ex came from a tough upbringing and violent past realionships, both her parents were in and out of prison and class a drug abuse. my ex had a son to a previous relationship, of whom the father had a residence order, due to my ex's historical drug abuse and subsequent prison sentances..

in 2005 our twins were born and in 2004 we was awarded after 2, years custody of her 13 year old
son, upon our twins being born my ex moved into another house, leaving me on my own, saying it was better as me and the step-son was clashing and agreed that in 6-8 months i would move back in when he was in her routine..this lasted for 5 years till he eventually joined the army and moved out.. in the 5 years in between we maintained a not healthy relationship, i felt i was nothing more that a baby sitter. my ex had become hooked a canabis and skunk spending upwards of 100 pounds per week, the step son had 2 kids to 2 different girls within one week of each child being born. this put a lot of pressure on my ex with the constant accusations from one girl and the other. Eventually this lead to my ex getting help from her GP who prescribed her zopiclone. which subsequently led her on to valium and tamezepam, which she as abusing, along with the skunk, i have never used drugs, only drink alchol, in moderation.

in may of 2011 i recieved a phone call from one of the girls to tell me of my ex of being OFF IT on the valium again, i went to the family home and noticed 2 empty packets of 16 valium, i procceded to leave the house and phone the police, they came and said everything seems ok and they saw no neglect towards the kids. i left, confused!!! later whilst at work i saw my ex walking down a main road with my kids approx half a mile away, she was clearly still under the influence, so it was decided that i took the kids home whilst she sobered up, FOUR am in the morning the police rang me to tell me my ex had been arrested for burglary and various thefts, and wanted to speak to me?

I spoke to her saying that unless she seeks help and sorted her self out i would not be giving the kids back to her, as she was unfit. i went to CS and explained the situation on 2 occasions they advised me to go to a solicitor, and apply for temporary resedince, which i did , i received threats and imtimadation from my ex and step son, saying dont turn up to court etc. My ex did voluntary put her self in the local psychaitric hospital, but left after 3 days, saying she wanted the kids back and she was ok now. she obviously wasn't. I had phone calls of people saying she was out of if in pubs and clubs steeling peoples mobile phones, my next door neighbours saw her several times out of it. so as we went to court the judge said the kids will remain with me as i had PR, until the mother can seek help! her claims was that she was under domestic abuse, which i denied.

in july of last year she turned up at mine saying she was ok now , and can we build on a relationship, pulling at my heart strings , saying it was for the kids,i let her in and later she went out for a drink with her freinds, 6 am in the morning, she came back so i let her in and she went straight to bed, at 10 am i went to football with my son leaving my daughter with the next door neighbour, i returned to see police in my house and my ex saying i had slapped her in the face in front of my daughter! i told the police this was all lies, and explained the on-going court case, i was not listened to and then arrested, my kids were taking away, with their mother and i was bailed to reappear, my kids were returned to me the following day, i was told to have no contact with my ex of which i abided to, i recieved a CALL the same day of my ex clearly out of it agian crying asking me to come over, i immediatly phoned the police, telling them of this. My kids was interviewed about the incident, whilst their mother was thier, of which i complained about, and subsequently was given a letter of complaint was valid.

in sept of 2011 my ex was remanded to prison for various thefts and burgalry, and then i felt sorry for her, as she had a great job with the NHS, and knes this was all down to the drugs and pressure build up of the two girlfreinds of the step-son and build up of the court case etc, but felt good that she would then get the help she deserved and wanted..

a week later the police rang me to tell me my ex had made another complaint of assault, on a seperate incident, i went along and explained it was not me as i was at work and i had the kids on the day of the incident, i brought an e-mail of her freind stating it was the step-son who had assaulted her, and that is where the domestic abuse was coming from, the police sent all info off and i was never charged as i was innocent off all charges.

life carried on for me and my twins, it was hard explaining their mother was working away(not in jail). i began communicating with my ex, and building bridges, we visited my ex twice me and the kids, which was hard, but felt i had too. For the kids to try and build bridges with their mum again, upon release in 2012 we decided to give our relatioship another GO as she was clean of all drugs and was like the girl i met in 2000. everything went ok and brilliant we was so happy and still are...she is expecting out third child and we had put all the past to bed had lots of possitive chats, the step-son appologised to her, and everything is so happy the kids are great, they stop at my house 3 days a week and my parners the rest as she has a tag on her leg due to her criminal past from the later years activiteis.

We went to court explained all this saying we had reconcilled and the judge said to come back in 3 months and have another CAFCAS safeguarding report and then the court case would be over and we could move on with our lives, even my solicitor was amazed by my partners change!!!

The next court date went ahead with a different Judge?? not the one who we had had for the last 18 months? we was inteviewed ny a CAFCAS officer before the court appearance, and then went into court, the cafcas stated they had concerns over our reconcilliation, and birth of our son and these domestic violence incidents!! I said to the CAFCAS OFFICER, that how could he judge all this on meeting us once for 15 mins and assuming that all this was over with, i felt angry as he was simply going off some text book and saying that this relationship would not work, the judge then ordered my ex to provide a letter saying her mental state was a ok, and returned the case to the previous JUDGE who had dealt with the case..

Two weeks ago my partner had a phone call of a CW OFFICER wanting to come and chat to my partner about the case, saying the judge and CAFCAS had concerns over our relationship and the safety of the kids???

The CW was saying to my partner that i still think she is mental, and why are you together after all you have been through, ahe said we was happy and no problems she was their for one hour..

last week i recieved a call by THE CW officer wanting to see me , she turned up with another clolluage, and began to interograte me!!! i studied social work and welfare studies at uni for 2 years so i had a bit of insight, well thats what i thought, i was grilled about these alleged assaults, asked if i drank 8 cans of lager a night, portrayed as a violent drunk who assaults his partner and intimidates her and thats why she ended up in prison... To some it all up.. i laid back on my settee and listened to utter tosh, saying my partner is petrfiied of me and scared and was crying whilst the officer interviewed her, and i had snatched a phone off her as some man was texting her , and i sent a message saying dont call my wife??? when i put all this to my partner she looked confused as she said nothing like what THE SS officer said, i assumed the officer was wording things to her own way. and felt angry, and let down, by the CS, she told my partner i was very defensive,and wants to see us both next week together, she explained she was doing a core assesment, and then at the end said this is not the last you will be seeing me as she was going to the judge to obtain a section 37??? AND YOU WILL BE SEEING A LOT OF ME!! so form going happy to sad in a week is a understatement, i no theese people have to do a job, but i feel very vulnerable and helpless, we have to go back to the JUDGE who raised concerns, and not the one who was about to let us go. why why why, all i can summise it is because i have taken my ex back and let her look after the kids again they assume their is concers? or is it due to these unfounded domestic violence cases, the SS have been to the school, and was told the kids are in top sets very well at school and have no concerns, but the SS officer stated to me that they dont know what goes on behind close doors, she really wound me up, i kept saying to the officer well ill end the relationship then shall i , is that what you want to what i got why would you do that?? I GOT BACK WITH MY EX- TO BUILD AFUTURE FOR OUR KIDS AS THEY HAD BEEN THROUGH A LOT AND DESERVED THE BEST. AND THIS IS I AM TREATED .. CONFUSED PLEASE HELP

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Geecam 38

Thank you for your post.

It sounds like you are going through a very difficult situation, and that you are a caring father, trying to do the best for your children at what is a particularly stressful time.

You mention a number of significant past incidents that could have a negative impact on the safety and stability of your children. For instance the combination of being exposed to several allegations of ‘unfounded’ domestic abuse; parental separations, reconciliations, alcohol, drug misuse, and mother’s imprisonment (s) could lead professionals, (including Children’s Services), to be concerned about their physical and emotional welfare, and have the potential for subsequent child protection enquiries being made as a direct result of this.

It is hoped that the core assessment and subsequent section 37 report, will reflect not just the difficulties, but also your attempts to safeguard your children and protect them as far as possible from these events. For instance, you mention the fact they are now making good progress in school, so this should be reflected in any educational reports. Are there any other agencies currently working with them that could give positive reports on their development? Either way, I advise you to engage fully with these assessments, and be open to any recommendations for family support that are made.

Has there been any deterioration in their behaviour either during, or since this time? If so, how did you attempt to address these, and what support did you offer them or would you be open to them receiving now?

It is important to consider that your children could still suffer from these past experiences at a later stage, so you may wish to be open to them receiving counselling support at school or through your local child and adolescent mental health service. Your GP may be able to refer you to any specialist provision. Maybe your partner could consider receiving some counselling support to address any unresolved issues from her childhood?

Both you are your partner should consider obtaining support to help you address any previous difficulties in your relationship from Relate on 0300 100 1234 http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html. You may also wish to obtain a copy of any police reports, and the outcome that could prove you were innocent of any allegations of abuse made against you.

If you wish to discuss your situation in more detail, you can contact the Family Rights Group advice line on 0808 801 0366 Monday to Friday 09.30 am to 03.30 pm.

Best Wishes


Suzie

[geecam38]

Hi Suzy

Having read and listened to your letter, i contacted my partner and talked to her, where it became apparent, that she was not in favour of what i thought was to be reconcilled, as she went back to and reverted to my kids and i want my kids to live with my and not you. and proceeded to start an argument, of which i left, i thought it was down to her hormones, and her name appearing in a local paper for an alleged offence, or not being given permission to have her tag taken off for a week, so we could all go away on holday! it just turned into a screaming abuse at me and blaming everyone about her breakdown, except herself, it was all everyone elses fault!

I spoke to my solicitor who advised me that i still have a residence application, and explained my partners sudden change of heart! i will be seeing my solicitor on monday, my partner was furious that on tuesday i talked to my kids after having about three beers, about how they felt and were they happy. of which she said my daughter was upset with? i dont know what is going on with my partner at present nut it seems to me that my partner just wants the kids and not me and used me in to a false sense of security, i was warned by all not to fall for this again, and feel very low. Again she is blaming myself. I have a meeting on tuesday with the CW worker and feel my partner is going to say im this drunk abuser, which is so far from the truth, all i am is a caring father who tried to make his family stable, i do now believe she has had ulterior motives, and feel scared when she will make these points on tuesday, like what is he doing speaking to the kids about us for! i feel so sorry for my kids on being put through all this again, i honestly thought she had changed, im scared that they could take the kids of us, due to her behaviour and accusations she has obviuously been saying behind my back! Then on the other hand she is 6 months pregnant and i dont want to make her feel vulnerable, i have to finalise the resedince application but dont want her suffering, and starting this war off again? IT is truly amazing how someone can change so quickly! its heart rending. My kids are our world but, she always refers to the kids as my kids, on social networking sight MY ... did this My did that... HAVE I BEEN A FOOL TO HAVE LET HER BACK IN OUR LIVES, OR IS SHE REALLY ILL???

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Geecam 38

Your post states that your partner is six months pregnant. Is this news common knowledge to Children's Services and those involved in the court process?

It seems that you both have different ideas about what you you want, from the relationship.

Most significantly, you go on to say 'i feel so sorry for my kids on being put through all this again' and that you have been warned before, about the impact of your partner's mental health on you and the children, who are particularly vulnerable to any inconsistent decisionmaking at this time.

You report that you are in the process of applying for a residence order. Therefore, may I suggest you seek urgent legal advice from your solicitor, in order to discuss the best way forward.

Best Wishes


Suzie