Getting back together with ex (slowly!)

[Gnasha83]

Hi,

This is going to be long so I will apologise in advance!

I wont go into too much background - basically, a while ago I fled a volatile and violent relationship with my one year old son and recently, after a year apart, me and my ex (son's father) have been back in touch. We currently live 300 miles apart so don't see each other, but he is coming to stay with me for a month to see how things go, with a view to getting back together. I won't say he's changed - I do not honestly know whether he has. However, he has taken positive steps to sort himself out (stopped drinking, been in touch with Respect, been to GP etc.) and so I am prepared to give him one more chance. And I intend to do it slowly. I do love him still, but I will never forget how miserable he made me. Now I am stronger; I have a massive support network, which I never had before, and I have a new-found confidence (started college, made new friends, learned to drive etc) - so I am able to deal with him. If he has changed then great, but if he hasn't then b******s to him! He will be out the door so fast his feet won't touch the ground!

Anyway...obviously, because we have a young son I confided in my Health Visitor. She then had a duty to contact Children's Services to inform them of our plan to give the relationship another go. My SW has been lovely - she is so supportive and has made a referral for me to attend the Freedom Programme. An initial assessment was carried out (no concerns about me, my son is happy and healthy so no concerns about him, but if his dad was to come back into the picture then action needed to be taken). As far as I am aware a domestic violence risk assessment now needs to be carried out, along with an action plan. My SW and her practice manager are visiting me again next week, maybe to discuss this but I can't be sure. She never said what the purpose of next week's visit is.

My question is, does anyone know what a DV risk assessment involves and what the action plan associated with it is all about? I am all for the help of children's services/social workers as I know they are trying to ensure our safety, but even so, there is a little nagging feeling that this could all backfire because I am effectively taking back a man who hit me in the past and therefore I could be accused of not putting my son's safety first. The last thing I want is my son being removed!

It would also be good to hear from people who have been through something similar. My feelings are all over the place at the moment. I would love nothing more than to have my family back together again, but can I allow it? Can perpetrators of domestic violence really change/control their anger? Confused!! What can Social Services do to help us as a family?

Thanks for reading.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hello Gnasha

Welcome to the discussion boards and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I am an adviser at Family Rights Group.

I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties you’ve had in the past. It sounds as though you have worked hard to build a good life for you and your son.

You have said that you are considering re-establishing your relationship with your ex-partner. As a result, Children’s Services have become involved in your family.

You have mentioned that an initial assessment has been carried out. Following their initial assessment, Children’s Services must decide whether there is a need for them to be involved in your family further. If they decide that they do need further involvement, I would expect them to begin a core assessment.

A core assessment is not a risk assessment as such but a more comprehensive assessment of your son’s needs, your ability to meet his needs and the wider environmental factors for you as a family. As part of this, Children’s Services would clearly be looking at the previous domestic violence that you have suffered and the potential risk that this poses to your son.

There is a lot of evidence to show that domestic violence can place young children at severe risk of both physical and emotional harm so Children’s Services are likely to be quite concerned about this.

If they are very concerned about the potential risk your ex poses, Children’s Services may advise you against having a relationship with him or allowing him to move in with you and your son. Although they cannot force you to accept their advice, there may be implications if you don’t agree.

Alternatively, Children's Services may feel that any risk to your son can be managed and work with you and your ex to support you as a family.

It is difficult for me to advise you until you are clearer about what decisions Children’s Services have reached from their initial assessment and what they are planning to do now. I wonder if you have had your meeting with the social worker/ manager yet Gnasha? Could you tell us how that went and what is being suggested will happen next?

In the meantime, it may be helpful for you to have a look at some of our advice sheets which explain more about the role and responsibilities of Children’s Services.

In addition, I wonder if you have had any contact with women’s aid? They are the key national charity focussing on issues surrounding domestic violence and may be able to help you with some of the questions you have raised about perpetrators and the ability to change.

I hope this helps Gnasha. Please do come back and tell us a bit more about your situation or ask any further questions you may have.

Best Wishes

Suzie
FRG Adviser

[Gnasha83]

Hi Suzie,

Thanks for your reply. I haven't met with my SW again yet but we have spoken briefly on the phone. From what I can gather, they are not making any decisions about whether my ex can see our son until they have met with my ex. I think this is part of the assessment am I right?

I have made the decision to not allow him to live with us until he has taken a domestic violence perpetrator course and proven himself to be safe. My main concern at the moment is making sure him and my son are able to re-establish a relationship and we shall take it from there. One day at a time!!