Worried mum to be

[Jul28]

Hi I am 23 weeks pregnant and and social services has been in touch as they had a call that i was pregnant to a man who has previously been in prison for domestic violence, we are not together and he has not harmed me in any way we have been friends for a few years and a one night stand just happened, we do not want to be together as we are better friends however social service have told me i can have no contact with him whatsoever , so now he cant come to scans ect , can this be right if we are not together but he will be in his little girls life when she is born although i fully understand the concern he will not be alone with either me or my baby at any time , can the stop contact from me to him at the moment ?

Please advise as i am worried sick my baby may be taken even though me or my family have NEVER been involved in any domestic violence or social services before , this is my first baby

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Jul28,

Welcome to the Parents Forum and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I can see that children services are carrying out a pre- birth assessment in respect of you and your baby due to the father having a history of domestic violence.
The purpose of the assessment is to see whether children services need to provide support to you and your baby to keep your baby safe from domestic violence and if so how best to provide the support and protection.

Because dad is coming to scans and other appointments, I can see why children’s services may be thinking that you and him are more than just friends. They will want to assess your relationship. Is he grooming you? is he already being abusive to you? See the FAQ's below. DV does not just have to be physical.

Children services have asked that you have no contact with him. They need to explain to you why. Have they explained the effects of domestic violence on children? It can cause life- long damage to children. Children can suffer injuries or more if they are caught in the cross fire between you and dad. If you were holding your baby and he hit you, your baby could suffer broken bones.
Or children can be emotionally abused seeing their mother being hurt or hearing shouting, for example.

Although they cannot stop you meeting or him coming to scans-if you carried on and didn’t tell them children’s services would be scared that you were not protecting your baby or were being groomed by him.

Instead, they will want to see you working with them so they can trust you. You should ask them to explain why they have taken this position. Ask them what will happen if you did not agree.
The most important thing is not to go behind a social worker’s back and be dishonest. If you did meet, tell them as they will may out anyway. Even dad could tell them.

Hopefully, dad will be cooperating with the assessment as well. They could assess and offer him support such as a perpetrators course, if he has not completed one.

At the end of the assessment (you can ask for a copy) there may be pre- birth child in need or child protection plan. Part of the reason for this is to plan whether or not dad can come to the maternity ward and what will happen when you and baby come home from hospital. Is it safe for you to go home? Or do they need to arrange for your home to be protected with alarms. They may want to arrange somewhere safe such as new accommodation or a refuge.

Do you have family and friend support? If so, let them know what is happening. They could be part of your support and safety plan.

I have touched on why children services are involved. For more information, look at our FAQ’s about domestic violence .

Also get any support you can from domestic violence services such as Women’s Aid. If you had the support of an independent domestic violence advocate (IDVA) or support worker, they can be help you deal with children services.

You should call our confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366 or post back if you have questions.

Best wishes,
Suzie