Advice needed!

[JBway]

My partner met me at work and we grew closer. I found out after about 6 months into our relationship that he had a girlfriend which he had been with for over a year. Everything kicked off when I found out and he left his girlfriend (now ex) for me. After a month we found out that she's pregnant and he's going to be a father. She had a child at the age of 16 in her previous relationship and it was removed from her care as the social thought she didn't have the ability to care for it. She also went to a mother and baby unit for a few months but it didn't work out well.

Nevertheless, my partner has told the social worker that he is still in a relationship with his (ex) but living apart. He thinks this will increase the chance of keeping the child in his care when it is born. My partner is currently living with me and social services have visited several times to speak to my partner but my partner has told me to keep out of the house when the social visit him. I've been in contact with the social worker and I've made her aware that my partner isn't with his ex and he's with me. The social worker has informed me that everything I mention to them will be kept confidential. My partner recieved a pre proceedings letter from social services last month expressing that there are great concerns for the baby's welfare and to bring a solicitor with them to the meeting. My partner and his ex went to the meeting/conference and they were told what they need to improve on. Im my opinion, I don't think there have been any changes to there lifestyle. The letter included that my partners ex's house is very untidy and cluttered. Her brother is a high risk to the baby due to ADHD.

Social services are currently carrying out a 12 week assessment on both my partner and his ex. But my main concern is that their both lying to social services, could this go against them? I have so many questions that are unanswerable and my head is everywhere at the moment. I've been trying to support my partner during this eventful time. He doesn't want the social to know about me and has told them I am just a good friend. I want my partner to tell the social worker about me so i can help but he doesn't think it will help in anyway.

The social worker visited my partner at our flat a couple weeks ago and asked him if he's in a relationship with me, but my partner denied it and said he's still with his ex. However, I told the social worker that he's with me and I showed them photographic/ video and voice recording evidence to prove that I am in a relationship with him and he's just lying to them. This may sound sneaky of me but I want them to know the truth. The social worker told me that the 12 week assessment is very intense and they will find out everything, but I don't think this is true? The baby is due to be born in mid June 2019, when will the 12 week assessment end? And what will happen after the 12 weeks are complete?

I am new to all this and I really hope someone can give me some advice.

Many thanks!

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear JBway,

Welcome to the Parents Forum.

I can see that your partner is due to become a father in June. His previous partner is pregnant.

Children services are carrying out an assessment, as his exe had another baby (when she was only 16) which was removed from her.
Here is information about assessments .

Children services will want to see how mum has changed since that time and whether she could now take care of this baby and what help she might need in doing so. They will also want to assess dad. Could he care for the child? If they are independently assessing dad, I would expect them to involve you in the assessment.

However, your partner is saying he is still with mum. But you know that he is definitely cheating on her.

You have informed the social worker that dad is with you. So they will have to assess what is the truth.

The social worker will be concerned that dad is not being honest with either the mother or them. So they are likely to not trust what he says is true. This may have implications on mums assessment. They may not be able to rely on dad being protective (which is what he wants) because he is lying.

It sounds like the 12 week assessment is a pre-birth assessment to establish how things have changed for mum, what support she needs to parent her baby. They are likely to assess the relationship between mum and dad.
They will also be assessing dad’s position. Will he be able to care for baby on his own if he cannot do so with mum?

At the end of the 12 week assessment there may be a written report. The report should give guidance as to what action children services need to take to protect baby.
So for example the assessment may say:
• More assessments are needed-for example a mother and baby unit.
• It may say that baby is to stay with both mum and/ or dad at home (under a child protection or child in need plan)
• It may say there will be care proceedings to decide who will care for baby long term.
• It is likely to suggest family and friends should be assessed to see who could parent baby, if mum and dad are not able to do so.

As there has been a pre- proceedings meeting, it sounds like children’s services are thinking about taking care proceeding. Here is information about care proceedings.

I suggest you speak to dad about the assessment. It may have implications for you as his partner.

The social worker should not let dad know that you are passing on information. The Data Protection law protects non- professionals who pass on this kind of information. However, I would check with the social worker that she is keeping your name confidential.

I hope my advice helps.
If you have any questions, please post again.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[JBway]

Hi Suzie,

Thank you for your response, I highly appreciate it.

To begin with, the social worker is aware that my partner is with me and he is residing with me. My partner and his ex had a core meeting last week which my partner abruptly left because he felt the social workers were ganging up on him with loads of questions relating to my relationship with him and the fact he's not being truthful about who he resides with. This caused his ex partner to fling the chair and storm out of the meeting - she clearly still has strong feelings for him! The meeting lasted around 1 hour, but my partner didn't return to the meeting. He was supposed to bring a solicitor with him but he didn't receive the letter for the meeting, he was told about the meeting by his ex who had her legal aid supporting her. My partner got a few pages of concerns relating to him lying, ect. He has only showed me bits of what was written by the social worker on the report. There was a comment about concerns of myself and my partner targeting his ex for her baby. And another comment about his family says he lies a lot. His ex has been advised that she cannot be left alone with my partner or myself. The also said that they are worried he has experienced trauma in his childhood which he hasn't received any support for this and it could impact on his parenting. They seem to pick faults on him constantly. My partner and I have agreed that it's time to tell the social worker the truth and he is meeting her next week to tell her that he's with me. However, I just feel it's a bit late for them to be carrying out assessments on me?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear JBway

Thank you for the update, which seems to say that your partner may now feel confident enough to address some of the concerns that the local authority may have raised about his ability to meet the needs of his unborn child.

I think it is important for your partner to try and demonstrate that he makes good choices and can share information in a calm, clear and honest way with professionals: this is something that parents on a daily basis do with, for example teachers, doctors, health visitors and other professionals’ they come into contact with when raising children.

From what you write your partner may have ‘got off on the wrong foot’ with the social workers involved with his unborn child, it was a good idea to meet with them as you described. I do hope that the meeting went well, was productive and that your partner was able to present himself positively.

If you or your partner would like to speak with one of our advisers on our confidential telephone advice service the number is 0808 801 0366 (free to most mobile phone providers, and to landlines). The line is open Monday to Friday (not Bank Holidays) from 9.30am to 3pm. Alternatively please have a look at the frequently asked questions (FAQs) on our website.

Best wishes

Suzie

[JBway]

Hi Suzie,

Thank you for your reply. It's been a few months now and the assessments are still ongoing. However, my partner has been told by the social worker that his assessment is negative due to not giving housing details (tenancy agreement), being honest about mine and his relationship and also concerns about his past involvement with social services when he was a baby. The mother also has a negative assessment and now social services are going into care proceedings. I'm not entirely clued on about all this, it's very much new to me. I'm not fully sure of what 'care proceedings' means. However, from what I've gathered things don't look good at all for my partner or the mother of the unborn baby. The baby is due in a few weeks time and I have a feeling they will go to court? I'm not entirely sure though. The mother has opted to go into a baby and mother unit, but this would be her seconds time if she is allowed to go this time. Her first child was removed from her care early last year and she still wasn't coping in the mother and baby unit. Social services have a list of concerns regarding my partner and the mother. My partner was told a few days ago that when the baby is born it will be placed with foster carers, but will this be permanently? Why is the baby not allowed to go home with the mother? Or even my partner? I'm just very confused to as to what happens next.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear JBway

I see from your post that your partner’s assessment is negative which means he is unlikely to be considered as a long term carer for the baby. Part of the reason for the negative assessment relates to your partner’s failure to be honest with children’s services. I am not sure what happened to him as a baby which would affect this assessment but it may relate to the childhood trauma you mentioned in an earlier post.

If both parents have negative assessments then they can put forward other family or friends who might be willing to care for the baby long term to be assessed. If any of them have a positive initial assessment then children’s services would go on to do a fuller more in depth assessment.

You mention care proceedings in your post. This means that children’s services intend to apply to the court for a care order so they can share parental responsibility for the baby with the mother once he or she arrives. Unless your partner is named on the baby's birth certificate, he will not share parental responsibility with the mother. Here is our advice sheet Parental Responsibility for more information.

They will only go to court after the baby’s birth.

Initially, the baby would be placed with foster carers which could be a family member or friend on either if they have had a positive assessment, whilst long term placements are explored for the baby. They will then be planning about who will care for the baby and this could include adoption.

To help you understand more about care proceedings I have included our advice Care (and related) proceedings which explains about the procedures for care proceedings.

I hope this is helpful but if you wish to speak to an adviser, you can telephone our free confidential advice line. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

Best wishes

Suzie