Getting back into relationship with ex

[Scaredofsocial2]

I am hoping for some advice regarding me and sons father.

At the moment we are still in court proceedings we had an IRH and the next hearing is within the next few weeks, from my understanding it is likely that a supervision order is going to be granted due to the fact that although there is no current risk because his dad is in prison the risk will increase once he is released.

Social services at present are taking my son to see his father in prison however this is not going well due to my son now becoming more aware of his surroundings he is getting very anxious when he is taken into the visit and only manages 10 or 15 minutes and is then taken back out to be, my concern with this is that because I am not there he is scared and the visits are being cut short so in turn this is not allowing for a relationship to be built up with him and his father, I agreed to social taking him on the visits as they had concerns that I may be "Pulled" back into the relationship.

I have full PR so although they have advised this is what they want surely I can argue that it is not in my sons best interest to be going in alone with SS and not having me there as a comfort and able to reassure him.

SS keep asking me what contact would look like if they was no longer involved and I have advised I feel well equipped to do the supervising and would not hesitate to call the police if I felt it was at all needed, but i am yet to understand their views on this, they have also suggested my family managing contact, which can happen but I do not feel it is sufficient to have my family essentially doing my job for me and I wouldn't want this to be something my family have to do long term, are you aware if this is something they can impliment until my son is of an age where he can travel to need his father independently?

In terms of our relationship, it is currently over and I will not rekindle the relationship if it means my son is going to be taken away from me..
However if his father was to complete all that is asked such as anger management, DVIP and drugs testing and is able to change his behaviour would it ever be possible to get back together, I very much love him still and know that although he is currently deemed a risk that he will do all that is asked of him to be able to see his son.

Is it just a matter of social services do not want us together and that is the way it will always have to be or is there every going to be a chance for us to be a family again ? I'm too scared to ask them in case they say this is my intent and continue involvement in our lives .

Once the case is closed am I entitled to do as I please in terms of a relationship with his father or is this just complete off the cards.

I know through friends that his dad still very much loves me and wants for us to be a family and is prepared to undergo anything that is asked to prove he is willing to change not only for me but his son and us as a family.

Any advise will be much appreciated.

Thank you

[Kam2019]

If children's services believe he is high risk to your son then they absolutely won't u to 're kindle a relationship and I know by your post u understand this if they have concerns that you want to 're kindle a relationship with him and they don't want u to u too because of whatever reason that might be then they can ask u to sign a written agreement of course u can refuse but in that case they would escalate it too a.cjild protection matter and take u to court to get that agreement etc

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear scaredofsocial2

Thank you for your post and sorry that we have not been able to respond to you sooner.

You mentioned when you posted at the end of May that there was a further hearing due in a few weeks so it may be that the legal situation has moved on by now and things may be clearer for you.

You are concerned about the current and future contact arrangements between your son and his father who is currently in prison. You are worried that the current arrangement whereby children’s services take your son to see his father for a short visit is causing your son distress and not allowing them to bond. This plan has been put in place as you are seen to be vulnerable to your ex-partner. You also suggest that you would be able to supervise contact between your son and his father when his father is released into the community and you would prefer not to have to rely upon your family to support you with this.

Have you discussed all of the above with your solicitor who is best placed to give you legal advice and to explore with you how children’s services and the court will interpret this?

You do have PR and of course should make sure that children’s services know that you feel that you son is becoming more anxious when he visits and that you want to minimise any distress to him. However, I think you should be very cautious not to be viewed as making arguments on behalf of your ex-partner; it is more important that you focus on your own and your son’s wellbeing. You want your son to have the benefit of a relationship with his father. But it is how that is managed safely that children’s services want to be assured about. It is good that you feel confident to supervise in the future but I wonder if this is a bit over-optimistic and I am concerned that children’s services might consider it to be. Where there is a history of domestic violence and a conviction for assault it is not likely to be safe or suitable for a victim or her child to be put in that position. When family play a role this can reduce the risks for all; this could also take some pressure off you ? Perhaps you could discuss this with a domestic violence support worker as well as your solicitor so that you have a chance to fully think through what will be the best? Children’s services won’t remain involved in supervising contact indefinitely but will want proof that any contact is safe and does not put your son, or you, in danger.

Here are some : FAQs on contact that you might find helpful.

I know that your little boy is your priority and you have worked really hard to demonstrate this despite your feelings for his father. But the concerns about your ex-partner will remain unless he proves otherwise; it is his responsibility not yours to make the changes that are needed and to be able to evidence this. If you resume the relationship once the case is closed then children’s services will become involved again and are likely to be concerned not only about your partner’s history but about your ability to make safe decisions for your son.

You have had a lot of difficult issues to contend with but it is looking as if there will be a positive outcome in terms of your son remaining in your care with a supervision order in place for a year or so.

Please do post again if you have a new query or with an update.

With best wishes

Suzie