Can i just take my kids

[Ichi]

I split up with my long term partner around 3 years ago. Regrettably the relationship ended due to trust issues which led to me slapping her. After a while we became amicable again and we both moved onto life with new partners.

I was informed by a friend of my exes who had met him that he had a borderline personality disorder and was a former drug addict. This resulted in an argument with my ex which led to her attacking me. She informed then he was no longer a drug addict and that she wouldn't be with someone who had the potential to be violent after the way we ended which was understandable.

I then came across her new bloke on social media due to the people you may know thing it brings up and I saw his blog in which he was boastful of a violent crime he committed and had served over 20 years for. He dismissed this by saying he knew his actions were wrong but that "Nobody Died" Again this worried me and when I asked my ex she told me she was at no risk and social services were assessing him before he could meet the kids. She stated she couldn't tell me his crime for legal reasons.

I would later find out due to a wrongly adressed letter that her partner was a convicted rapist and would be on the sex offenders register for life. It also stated that they both knew no contact would be to occur between my children and her new partner yet my ex had been allowing telephone contact and also had been having her new partner round at her house while my two youngest were at school but allowing him to meet my oldest daughter without disclosing her new partners history. Which she had no problem disclosing to her friend when they both helped her move house and my ex felt her friend had a right to know as her new partner would be staying over at her friends house.

Why wasn't i informed right away that that my ex was dating a sex offender and especially one who was classified as a medium risk to adult women? Is it because my ex lied about the way we split saying she had caught me cheating and i hit her as result. Social services had been working with my ex regarding protecting my children for 6 months prior to me finding out by accident. Surely i had a right to know ?

I would later see text messages where her new partner manipulated my ex into lying to his parole officer about the way he disclosed his offences to her. In fact that night she first stayed over at his he didn't disclose to his risk management officer that my ex was visiting as he knew his parole officer would be informed. He would then tell my ex via text to "remember thursday night was just a phone call and that nobody would care a couple of months down the line if the truth came out" when my ex was unsure he would then reassure her 2she would be fine and it wouldn't look good if it came out no matter how far down the line it happened"

My exes attitude towards my concerns were just brushed aside and continue to be so I have been told by professionals that her partner is medium risk towards adult women which is also stated in the reports but my ex believes he is low risk because he tells her that he is and because he is classed as low risk to children.

She was aggressive towards our oldest daughter in front of our two youngest children threatening "to knock her f-ing teeth out" before then throwing her things upstairs. She has also threatened to throw her out a few times saying "you know where your dad lives" She would later strangle my oldest daughter in front of my two youngest which she denies but my oldest daughter and both my youngest children have said happened.

My ex would go on a NSPCC protector course which she was refused after two sessions - due to making a jokey comment about rape , in the nspcc's view they felt she felt she saw the rape as consensual sex rather then rape. There was also a lack of focus on the children in the NSPCC and she directed all her answers towards her new partner rather then the children.

It then went to conference around April last year and the youngest children were put on the child protection register because of neglect , poor home conditions and my oldest daughter was finally told about my exes new partner being a rapist this led to conflict between the two as my oldest daughter was appalled and my ex dismissed her concerns saying "i have more life experience then you" she also stated "She was no longer at much as a rsik now she had met him as it was unknown women who were at risk" eventually my ex would throw my oldest daughter out.

There was an independent asessment carried out on her new partner which was agreed by all in the meeting i would be allowed to see. However when it came through her ex refused to allow me to see this report. Again this saddens me that he is getting this protection when my children were not. Could he legally do this?

My ex was being just as bad she stated in a message to me "he's not a serial rapist might not mean much to you but it does me" She defended any word said against him justifying his crime saying he was in a bad place , his relationship was in a bad way. He was struggling with his mental health at the time.

He would split up with my ex through email telling her she would lose the kids if they continued to see each other and that he did by email because if they spoke on the phone he would change his mind. Which then led to her ringing him obviously in what for me is a transparent manipulation. He was still refusing to let me see the report (although he did state he would if i was polite to him , trying to assert power and control isn't a good trait in a so called reformed rapist if you ask me) during the time of the split between my ex and her new partner my oldest daughter moved back in with my ex and was told "he won't come into the house while you are in as i know you are uncomfortable" which was true my oldest daughter had informed my ex she had nightmares of being raped by her new partner , her hair was falling out due to the worry and that her concerns were dismissed by my ex.

This arrangement didn't last long as due to him arriving early one day he was in the house while my daughter was getting ready to go out to work becuase she didn't say anything to my ex as their paths only crossed for 5 minutes at most my ex assumed my oldest daughter no longer had a problem with him being in the house and a week or so later when she returned home from work he was glossing upstair outside my oldest daughters bedroom which made my oldest daughter upset and so uncomfortable she stayed downstairs for 3 hours to avoid him.

My oldest daughter again expressed her disgust and still my ex dismissed her concerns. Even now she still minimises the risk in a cpc conference she dismissed his two domestic assaults towards his former partners saying he only slapped them. She would laugh about an incident where she threw a shoe at my oldest daughter in front of our two youngest children where they also witnessed my oldest daughter slam a door onto my exes foot.

Lately however things have gotten worse at christmas the new partner gave my two youngest a tablet. Now i thought this was a new one but it turns out it was his old one which i only found out due to my youngest daughter telling me she loved the tablet but didn't like that her mums new boyfriend had accounts still linked to it. When i raised this concern my ex said she had spoke to her partner and it's impossible to completely wipe its memory (errr...factory reset surely?) It was a concern which i reported to SS anyway.

My oldest daughter then borrowed the tablet one day and saw that my ex had left her emails open and she saw an email with the report i hadn't been allowed to see which she then sent me. Now this was wrong of her and it was wrong of me to read it i will be honest i didn't read it all but what i did read sickened me. He hadn't just committed one rape he had served a sentence before and committed another after his release which was particularly harrowing and he had attempted other but they had either escaped or fought him off. So while my ex claimed "he wasn't a serial rapist" it wasn't through lack of trying on his part. He is also friends with a child sex offender who committed serious crimes and had been staying over at his house i suspect with my ex because the dates mentioned in the report matched a time i had the kids so she could visit his friends house for a weekend. Again why was this information protected why was i not informed my daughter should have not risked getting into serious trouble to let me know. This is a sign of how badly she wants this man gone.

[Ichi]

Now in April this year we had a meeting and it was decided my two youngest would be informed they would not be allowed to meet my exes new partner until they were 18 and would be given full disclosure and they could make their own minds up. They would just be told it would be in their best interests not to meet him and it was felt they had a great relationship with me and they didn't need this new man around. My Partner was upset about this decision and said "she didn't understand why they couldn't see there was no risk" I countered by saying "why don't you see there is a risk" Her response "He's only raped twice"

Around a week after the disclosure had been made with my youngest i received a call from the school telling me that my 10 yr old had been discussing sex with some kids and had said "mums new boyfriend is a rapist" she had known for a year after seeing some corrospondence but was unaware what the words meant. She then told the social worker she had no wish to meet mums new boyfriend , said she wanted to live with me. She also said she accessed porn to try to find out what the words meant.

My oldest daughter then searched the tablet the next day and found searches for stepdad porn (no idea if this is her being worried about mums new boyfriend or if this is search history of the partner because he didn't wipe it clean) but what was more distressing was that my daughter had been sending rude pics/videos of herself to men on Instagram and Tik Tok. Now she had accounts on these sites on my phone and i monitored them very closely and foundno inappropiate pics/vids as i knew the passwords so could access them at any time to check her safety. But my ex did not do the same in fact my daughter has a snapchat account on my exes phone and 4 different instagram accounts and even set up a new tik tok account after the police seized the tablet. Which my ex refused to mention when she ran to social services about me letting my daughter post a pic of her new kitten on her instagram page which i monitor at all times.

My ex has dismissed my concerns that over new partner could have accessed this tablet despite his accounts still being linked abd he jnew that my oldest daughter had sent me the email of his report he refused to let me see. How would he know that if he wasn't monitoring activity on the tablet?

It is especially concerning since he is friends with a child sex offender which when i bought up to my ex. She denied it then said"he's allowed friends and anyway you shouldn't know that" Why shouldn't i know this they are my children and i don't feel they are being protected by my ex nor by SS who are not telling me all the relevant information.

This has been shown again as the kids were taken off the child protection register as mums attitude had changed although her recent comments of he only raped twice just shows me she hid it better. Home conditions had improved (debatable) and the next step would be for me and my ex to undergo councilling to help the conflict as it was impacting on the children.

Sadly i think it is beyond that now since the decision that her new partner isn't allowed to meet the kids has been made, My ex has been badmouthing to my youngest telling them "dad doesn't care" my oldest actually had a screaming match with my ex over this as she was sick of hearing this repeated to them. My oldest daughter also informed me my ex to reassure her said "My new partner is no risk you are just likely to be raped by your dad or your brother" I received a text message from my 10 yr old telling me mum hit her and it hurt now i know kids can embelish the truth and my ex did say it was just a tap but she then admitted to me she locked herself and my 10yr old in the bathroom for a hour and half as my daughter refused to get in the bath.

When she was in the bath my oldest daughter overheard my ex telling my 10 yr old "how great her new partner was and how she would liked him" My ex has been completely disregarding my 10 yr olds feelings when she stated she wanted to live with me because it was home she was told "no this is your home" This week my 10 yr had seperation anxiety when i dropped her off at school and i had to speak to the child safety officer at school and my daughter informed her she was only happy when she was with me.

It is a toxic atmosphere at mums and i feel my daughters are starting to bare the brunt of it emotionally and i am very worried especially since mum seems to want to slander me and portray this new partner as some wonderful guy.

I am not the resident parent but my name is on the birth certificate as the father so could i just take them i am loathe to do so as i feel this would be damaging to them but with mums constant minimisation of her partners offences , her neglect regarding their activity on apps , the emotional baggage she is putting on them i feel they are not safe in that enviroment.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Ichi

Thanks for posting again.

It appears that the situation has not greatly improved and you are still concerned about your children having contact with their mother’s new partner.

I note that in July 2018 you indicated that you were going to see a solicitor as you intended to apply to the court for your children to live with you. The advice I gave you then would be the same now. If you have concerns then the most appropriate thing to do is apply to the court.

You may find it helpful to read our do it yourself advice sheet DIY Child Arrangements Orders: information for family and friends carers which explains the procedure for apply for a child arrangement order.

Just taking your children, which you could do, as you have parental responsibility would not be the best thing to do and, in any case their mother may apply to the court for their return. It would be best to go through the correct process that is, with the mother's agreement or a court order.

I hope you will find this helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie