Acceptance/ Trying to understand myself and my situation.

[QuestionMark]

I keep reflecting on my childhood, and trying to break down the barriers I put up to protect myself. To begin with, I actually think my mam may have been abusive - and this is really hard for me to even think about. The thing is, she never physically hurt me and I always thought that DA was purely about physical harm; I think that's why all the other thing my abusive husband did didn't register with me until after we broke up.

My mam: I’ve never had a good relationship with my mam, not emotionally. As a child I remember her being emotionally unavailable a lot; I’d try showing her a drawing I’d do and she’d just grunt and stick her nose back in whatever book she was reading. I’d come home from school crying because of being bullied and my mam would tell me ‘it’s not as bad’ as what she experienced as a child and dismissed my feelings. As a teenager I couldn’t talk to her about things; I recall one time I fell out with my best friend at the time and I was sat on the kitchen floor crying – my mam just stepped over me to go to the bathroom, not once asking me how I was. She’d put posted-notes on the food in the fridge to let me know what i was or was not allowed to eat. I was raped when I was 17 and never told her until I was 21 but at the time of the assault, I’d have night-terrors and my mam would shout at me through my bedroom wall to ‘shut up’. I’ve been stood in tears before asking her a hug and she’d tell me she ‘doesn’t do hugs’. To this day I’m afraid around my mam; yesterday she called me an ‘*ss’ in front of my children from literally no reason and I asked her not to. She said ‘well why not? they won’t understand’ (they’re young, not stupid). I told her that that was the same logic my ex (abusive) husband had and she then responded, quite angrily, ‘how dare you compare me to him’. It was awful. She later followed me into a room that I walked into (to avoid her) to tell me she doesn’t trust me, ‘has no faith in me’ and that I’m ‘ruining her marriage’ (because my dad defended me earlier in the evening when she name-called me). In the past she’s told me I’m ‘not normal’ or that I ‘need help’ and blamed me for the DA I suffered in my relationship with my husband. When I look back, I know my mam is the reason that I have such slow self-esteem; growing up I remember constantly being told I was ‘useless’. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy when I was 18 and, in stead of asking me if I was ok, she would yell at me about how ‘irresponsible’ I was and she lied to my entire family – telling everyone I had a ‘bad water infection’. She puts on a face in public; behind closed doors she doesn’t want to know me, she calls me names and if I ever say anything back she has a go at me for ‘critising and undermining’ her. But in public she has no problem showing me off; going as far to post on facebook about how proud she was of me for handling police so well when they were involved with me ex – exposing my personal life, which I was very upset about, and she didn’t even tell me she was proud of me. When I asked her to take the post down, for my well-being, she just re-moved me as a friend in stead. My mam herself came from a bad background so I think I always made excuses for her; she mam walked out of her life when she was 3 years old and didn't even know I existed until I was 3 years old. At least my mam has been physically present and took care of me in a practical sense; washing, cooked food etc. She never knew maternal love and I feel sorry for her for that.

The rape: This happened to me 6 years ago, and I've only just been able to call it what is was. I think I suffered from PTSD after it happened but I never got help for this at the time. Because of this I dropped out of college, felt I had no-one to talk to, was afraid of being judged by my family if I said anything so just kept quite. I was in a very vulnerable place when I met my daughters dad, who was in a homeless shelter as his mam had kicked him out. He did drugs, drank a lot, had anger management issues and he asked me to delete my social media, to stop seeing my friends and family - because things at home with my mam were bad, I moved in with him and became even more isolated. This was when the ectopic happened, followed by a miscarrage, both which were incredibly difficult to deal with. My grandma had been saving up money for me since I was born to help me through university but because I dropped out of college she assumed I'd never go to university so used my money to buy me and this guy a flat, including paying the first six months rent. He damaged the place; he put his fists through panes of glass, hit his own head of walls, punched himself and threatened suicide if I'd try to leave - so I stayed. When I fell pregnant with out daughter he went to work and never came back. I assumed he didn't want either one of us. So i went back home.


Back home: My mam told everyone I was pregnant before I had even had the chance to decide whether I was going to keep the pregnancy. She robbed me the opportunity to experience the joy of telling people I was expecting too. I spent 2 weeks sat at home while she went out to work and every time she'd come back and complain about me 'doing nothing' with my life. She hated that I was back and made it clear. An old friend got in touch, I'd known him from college and I was quickly very open with him about my mam and my daughters dad. He then opened up to me about having had a baby boy when he was 18 who passed away and my heart broke for him. My daughters dad remained in touch a little bit, but by this point I'd blocked him on social media (which I got back) for my own safety. He came to the 12 week scan and was invivted to the 20 week scan but never showed up. By this point, I'd entered into a relationship with my old friend. He quickly got a flat and because I was miserable at home thanks to my mams constant bullying, and worried about where on earth I could raise my daughter (there was no room for her), I moved in with him - which I realise now was rediculous of me but I was only 19 and I was so vulnerable and afraid. I'd told the midwife about what my daughters dad was like, but she left and I constantly got a different midwife and was never once referred to the freedom programme, which I wish they had done.

My new relationship; he was wonderful, I was so grateful he 'took me on' when I was pregnant with 'someone else's baby'. I loved him so deeply and really felt I was so damaged by this point that I was unloveable, yet somehow, he loved me. We got engaged 4 months into the relationship, and married a year in. 2 weeks before we were due to be married, I found out the baby he told me he had who passed away never existed - it was all a lie to 'win me over'. By this point my daughter was 6 months old and I was 10 weeks pregnant with our son, and still vulnerable. My duaghters dad saw her for the first few months of her life but then just disappeared. He'd arrange seeing her through my fiance, who I trusted, and my fiance told me he'd stopped messaging to see our daughter - i'm not so sure that's true now. I told my mam about the lie and my mams response was 'at least he's told the truth now' and so I dismissed it.. a week later he choked me 3 times, slapped me and called me 'pathetic'. I called the police but he managed to charm them away from the door. I then married him. It got worse; I was pinned down on the bed so hard he bruised my chest, punched, manipulated, lied to constantly, he was in control of every decision I made including what colour I died my hair. I used self-defence once when I was afraid he was going to punch me or choke me again and family court decided we were 'as bad as each other'.

This is everything that led up to my children eventually being taken, though I still see them frequently which I am very grateful for. I was wondering if Suzie or anyone knows of anyway I can address my past; I want to heal as I do want a family one day; a healthy, happy one.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear QuestionMark,

Sorry for the delay in responding to your post. You have shared information about your upbringing and also about very traumatic events that you have suffered in the last few years, including sexual and domestic violence.
You have been bereaved by the loss of your son and then having to go through care proceedings in relation to your other children. I can see that you have had an unimaginably difficult time.

I do not know whether you have ever been offered any professional assessment or support by children services. Given the death of your son and having to fight for your other children, I do not know whether you have had any breathing space to even consider yourself and what support you might need.
To get support you could, as a starting point, ask those professionals who you have been dealing with. Did children services ever suggest any support you might need? Your solicitor would also have an idea of support that might be available locally.

Ask your solicitor what you need to do now-to help towards you passing a future children services assessment. By looking at the courts judgment, the guardians report and any expert report filed in the proceedings could be helpful.

You could also discuss everything that has happened with your GP and ask what support you could be assessed and referred for locally. Due to the trauma and neglect you may have suffered as a child, you may benefit from an assessment and counselling or other support. Have a look at
Nice who advise on what therapy’s may be out there.

Some voluntary organisations could be a starting point to accessing particular support. For bereavement counselling, Cruse may be able to help.

Rape Crisis and Women’s Aid can offer support and direct you to support near where you live.

I hope you find this list of support is helpful and not too overwhelming. If you have any questions, please post again.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[QuestionMark]

Hello,

I took your advice and tried to speak to my solicitor, who told me my case is now closed so I have no funding to talk to them.

I tried talking to the social worker who told me there’s “nothing” I need to do, but then suggested counselling. I then spoke to the social workers manager who acknowledges i’ve “Exhausted all the courses available” and told me to “keep doing what I’m doing, keep improving yourself, keep yourself safe” - so at least I know I’m on the right track, I just have to keep doing what I’m doing.

I’ve began EMDR therapy for trauma, and have began to have a lot of insight into the chain of events that led me here. I’m hoping this will all help.