Child on parent abuse - legal rights?

[Witzend]

I have two adopted children, a daughter aged 16 and a son 17. My son has been diagnosed as ADHD/AS/3x chromosome abnormalities which give him learning difficulties. He is a compulsive lier, steals from us constantly and is prone to extreme violent outbursts and threatening behaviour whenever he doesn’t get his own way. He has recently been arrested by the Police for theft and criminal damage and was also arrested for ABH when my husband disarmed him as he was using an axe during a temper tantrum to smash up items at the front of the house and threatening to break the door down!

It has been agreed that my son is at risk of exploitation from criminal gangs and there is a suspicion of him being involved in County Lines. It is also evident that he is using cannabis and other drugs on an almost daily basis and is either dealing or running drugs.

At a recent Family Conference it was unanimously agreed that a CPP was needed for my daughter as she is at risk from her brother due to his threatening and intimidating behaviours towards her and myself. It was also agreed that a CPP is needed for my son as he is at risk from his own behaviours when out of parental control.

This behaviour has been ongoing for approximately 6 years and my husband and I decided that we could no longer tolerate the upset being caused in our home life and the emotional toll it was taking on all of our health. We were the ones who contacted Social Services and asked for help and also asked for our son to be taken back into care under Section 20.

******* SS agreed to this, my son also agreed and a placement was found. Unfortunately, on the planned day of the move, my son decided that he no longer wanted to go. As he is above the age of 16 his views needed to be taken into consideration and the ‘one time offer’ was removed from the table.

This was 5 weeks ago and since then my sons behaviour has continued to spiral out of control with continued drug use, theft of cash and items from the home, verbal abuse and threatening behaviour. The only advice that SS and our Social Worker can give is to call the police.

My husband and I find it incredulous that we seem to have no rights and are forced to tolerate this situation just because our son is under the age of 18.

Although my son does have learning difficulties, they are not so great that he does not understand the difference between right and wrong. He is fully aware that we can’t kick him out until he is 18 and reminds us on a regular basis!

What, if anything, can we do? He will be 18 in April next year - 22 weeks and counting!

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Witzend

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thanks for posting.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group.

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your son whose behaviour has deteriorated and you are now finding it difficult to exercise parental control plus he is being both verbally and physically abusive. He is putting himself at risk and there are safeguarding concerns for his sister because of his behaviour.

You previously asked for your son to be accommodated under s.20 and children’s services agreed to this and offered a place which was rejected by your son. In your post you refer to the offer of accommodation from children’s services as a once only offer. It seems inappropriate that this should be the case since children’s services have a responsibility to children with disabilities and, whilst I understand that because of your son’s age, his wishes and feelings are taken into account, this does not eliminate children’s services duty to ensure that children are safe. Please read our advice sheet relating to Family support since your son should be assessed because of his disability he is a child in need. Support should also be included part of any child protection plan.

As your son is beyond parental control you could have refused to have him in your home and it would then be for children’s services to provide him, as a child, with accommodation. You would not be breaking the law to say this and when children’s services first became involved they could have sought a care order for your son on the basis that he is on beyond parental control which is one of the reasons, provided in the Children Act 1989 s.31 for the court to consider in making a care order. Unfortunately, as your son is now 17 he is too old to be the subject of an application for a care order but this does not stop children’s services providing him with accommodation.

I know that your son is only 17 but if you decided that he could no longer live in your home there is nothing that say you have wait for him to be 18. A child of 16 can ask themselves for children’s services to accommodate them whether a parent agrees or not and children’s services would be required to do this under the Children Act section 20(3) and (11).

The decision is yours whether you ask your son to leave your home.

You may wish to consider making a formal complaint about how children’s services has dealt with your son’s case, especially in saying they were making a once only offer of accommodation to your son. I suggest you ask the social worker concerned for the local authority’s policy document which they work to in deciding to make a once only offer as well for dealing with children who are at risk of harm as your son is. Please see our advice sheet Challenging decisions and making complaints .

Regarding your son’s involvement with drugs, you may find it helpful to contact this organisation ADfam.

You may also wish to contact Family Lives who offers support to parents in situations similar to yours, their telephone number is 0800 800 2222. DVIP is another service you might wish to contact as through YUVA as they provide support for parents as well and young perpetrators of domestic violence.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Witzend]

Dear Suzie

Thank you for your reply.

You state that we can ask our son to leave our home. How do we go about this?Whenever we suggest this, he simply states that he’s not going anywhere. Other than physically pushing him out of the door, how do we go about this without it deteriorating into a potentially violent situation?

I am led to believe that he cannot be accommodated in foster care because of the history and level of violence & threatening behaviour. Child Services say that it is difficult to find appropriate accommodation for him due to his vulnerability and risk of exploitation.

We just seem to be going around in circles!

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Witzend

You are right about the matter going around in circles and aside from asking the Police to assist you in evicting your son if he refuses to leave voluntarily (this being the less palatable option) I have to agree with you, there may not be much that can be done to change your situation.

Foster care however is not the only form of support that local authorities can offer to a young person and despite them saying that it is difficult to find accommodation, they may have forms of supported living environments that may keep your son safe, perhaps you should ask them to explore their services further and mention making a complaint if they do not.

Shelter the Housing Charity has a list of suggestions including what Children’s Services can offer, do have a look at their website here.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Ermintrude]

Hi

Sounds like you are in a similar, but more extreme situation then I was earlier in the year. My son was violent etc, and Children's Services refused to do much even telling me at one point he could hit me as many times as he likes and he would not be taken into care.

Where we ended up was him being arrested and us refusing to have him home (as advised by the police) children's services then did nothing, and eventually we were given the ultimatum by the police that either he came home or was released to his girlfriends house. Luckily at that point his behaviour changed - hopefully for good.

The legal advice I got from Women's Aid and FRG after that was that I could get a restraining order to stop him being in the house which would force Children's Services to deal with him.

There are a few organisations who understand - one is Break4change who do a course call who's in charge, and an other one called CAPAUK who might be able to give you more support and advice