Relationship with baby's dad

[31666]

Hi I'm new here,
I have only just been dropped down from social services being involved with my children due to risky males being around them. Here's the story in short,
So I started a relationship with my youngest child's dad and I found out through my friends social worker that he was a risk to children which I didn't know and so my friends social worker reported our relationship and I had them knocking on my door. I asked for details of the allegations against him because he was so lovely he was caring helpful and he had taken on my other 4 young children he was simply just amazing. They told me he had no criminal record but when he was a child there was an incident reported that he had touched his younger brothers genitals and that his mum had taken him to the police station and they cautioned him as it wasn't meant sexually and he was a child.
So I was told I had to have my children placed on child in need and so I ended our relationship without even speaking to him about it. Social worker made me sign a home working agreement that I would not allow him into the family home but I was pregnant with his child and didn't want to take his child away so I sorted for him to be allowed supervised contact rather than none.
My child is nearly 3 now and he has never ever let her down he visits as often as he can and he buys anything she needs he's a great dad and there bond is amazing. I was told he was very low risk to children but still they say after yet another risk assessment he can only have supervised contact. But I ended my relationship with him whilst still being in love with him and so I started a new relationship with another man to try to shake off my feelings but that guy ended up sexually assaulting me which led to the relationship ending and my social worker saying no contact atall which I knew anyway, and my little ones dad was so nice when I told him that my head was all over the place he came and he helped me so much with all the children he was an angel and my children were better when he was around. We have decided after weeks of chatting and explaining how we feel about each other (We both still love each other deeply) we decided to try again slowly and not tell none of the children not even our daughter, so I now have to ask my old social worker if this will mean my children will need to be placed back under the child in need or even child protection which I don't want to happen and I won't let it and I will take the relationship no further for my kids sakes but how can this be solved surely there's a way this can be sorted if he's very low risk surely they can't stop us being together as long as we always put the children first, my kids love this man just as much as his own child does.
Any information or advice would be greatfully received

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear 31666

Welcome to Family Rights Group’s parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie, Family Rights Group’s online adviser. I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you and your children have experienced.

Your involvement with children’s services has recently come to an end – they were involved because of the potential risk to your children from ‘risky’ males. These included a recent ex-partner, who I am sorry to hear sexually assaulted you, and the father of your youngest child who does not have a criminal conviction although was cautioned by the police as a child for an incident involving his younger brother. He has had more than one risk assessment which have concluded that he can only have supervised contact with his child, your three year old daughter.

I think that children’s services closed the case as they were satisfied that you:

(i) were no longer in a relationship with your recent abusive partner and so are protecting your children too, and
(ii) are making sure that your youngest child’s father only has supervised contact with her.

You do not say who is responsible for supervising this contact but as you say he visits often I am guessing that it is your responsibility to supervise.

Your youngest child’s father has become more actively involved with your children recently as you describe him coming round and helping you with all the children, not just his own child. I hope that you continued to supervise during this time. You would be expected to accept and protect against any possible risk.

You would now like to resume a relationship and are aware that you need to discuss this with the social worker. It is very important that you do so as soon as possible and that you are open and honest about his recent involvement.

You are wondering how it may be possible for you to have a relationship but will not proceed if it would jeopardise your children.

I think that the main question is – what has your ex-partner done to address the concerns that resulted in the decision that he still needs to be supervised when seeing his child? Has he undertaken any work or programmes with a specialist service such as the Lucy Faithfull Foundation to address the concerns that have led to him having to be supervised around his child.

And have you done any protective parenting courses such as Mothers as Protectors to help you recognise risk and be as protective as you can, in view of the previous concerns about ‘risky males’ being around the children and the steps you have both recently taken. You might find the Stop it Now website and advice line (linked to above) helpful too.

If nothing is different then it is unlikely that the outcome from children’s services would be different – you would both need to be prepared to offer to undertake some specific programmes /comply with the current supervised contact arrangements and be willing to work openly with children’s services. They would need to consider this new information and let you know their view of the situation and how they are going to assess.

You may find our advice sheets on family support and child protection helpful. If you would like to discuss your situation with an adviser please do call our freephone advice helpline on 0808 8010366 Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm.

With best wishes

Suzie