SS informing ex partner of involvement

[Rubyshoes]

Hi. SS are involved with my daughter since a friend I’ve known for years has become potentially more than a friend. It’s very early days, he disclosed to me after a few dates that he’s been charged with ‘making’ images. With any new relationship I would never introduce my daughter until I knew there was a serious committed future between me and my new partner. As he disclosed it to me his police contact informed all the services. I’ve had to disclose to my work. I’ve had SS come round to the house and ask me (interrogate me) as to why I’d even want to consider having a relationship with a ‘paedophile’. She is only acting on the referal notes no further information. She’s told me she HAS to tell my ex partner as he has parental responsibility. He’s an ex partner because he’s very controlling and mentally abusive. We’re currently going through the financials for our divorce. I feel like this has been forced upon me and is all VERY rushed. We’ve known each other for years, something serious may come of this eventually, he lives in a different county... I’ve been told that everything social services do has to be appropriate and proportional and if there is no contact with my daughter at all and we live so far away so we won’t ‘bump’ into each other the action of telling my ex at the moment may not be appropriate or proportional. Any advice? Any stories that aren’t scary? Anything would be appreciated. Next meeting is with my friend and the social worker on Friday at my house.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Rubyshoes

Welcome to Family Rights Group’s parents’ discussion board and thank you for your two posts. My name is Suzie, FRG’s online adviser. I am sorry that I was unable to respond to your query sooner.

I know that the planned meeting between you, your friend and the social worker has probably already happened by now so it may be that the situation has moved on and is clearer. However, I will try to provide some advice based on the information provided in your post.

At the moment, your friend has been charged with making sexual images of a child or children. I think that he is probably on bail, with conditions attached prohibiting unsupervised contact with children. If your friend is convicted, there may be different sentencing outcomes but all, I think, would lead to him being subject to notification requirements i.e. the ‘Sex Offenders Register’ and perhaps a Sexual Harm Prevention Order.

The Stop it now and Parents Protect websites provide lots of relevant information and may be worth a look.

As you have a child, and your partner has been charged with an offence against a child/children, children’s services do need to assess the situation in order to make sure that your daughter is safeguarded.

You are right that their action does need to be reasonable and proportionate. There can be different outcomes depending on the specific circumstances. Sometimes, children’s services limit their involvement to agreements around restrictions on any future contact with the child e.g. that there will be no contact or that it will be supervised. You have stated very clearly that your friend lives some distance away and you are not currently planning on allowing any contact with your daughter. This should influence their assessment.

You mention in your earlier post that there is a discrepancy between what you have been told and the accounts you you have read. Every assessment is unique to the family and their individual circumstances so may result in different arrangements or plans being put in place. Although it can be very informative and helpful to learn from others' experiences everybody's situation is different.

Your concern is that the social worker has said that she must tell your (ex) husband. He does have parental responsibility for your daughter and on that basis he has a right to information about her. He would normally be entitled to know if children’s services are involved with/assessing his child’s situation and the reason for this – in this case, due to the nature of the criminal charges against your friend. Where your friend is being investigated for making sexual images of a child/children it may be reasonable for her father to have concerns about his daughter's safety.

If the social worker considers your daughter may be at risk from your friend and they believe that sharing information with her father will reduce this risk, they will be justified in sharing the information. But, information should be limited to what is necessary – so it does not mean that the social worker should share all the information they have with your daughter’s father, only what is relevant.

In your situation, you have also stated very clearly that your ex’s behaviour towards you was controlling and emotionally abusive. If you believe that sharing this information will put you or your daughter at risk, you should tell the social worker this and ask that any decision to share information without your agreement should be made at a managerial level. You should also ask the social worker to put in writing to you what information they plan to release, and why.

If you are not happy with the outcome, you can make a complaint. If you have a solicitor in relation to your divorce then you could also discuss this issue with them.

I hope that this is helpful.

If you have a new query please do post again or if you would prefer to speak to an adviser please call our freephone advice helpline on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri 9.30 to 3.00 pm.

With best wishes

Suzie