Partner has a controlling child

[odessey]

Hello, I have joined this group as I am distressed by the situation I have found myself in. Tragic as it sounds I believe there is little I can do apart from ‘weather the storm’ but rather than sit on my hands I thought it may be worth putting it into words and seeing if anyone can relate to my situation or have advice based upon their own experiences.
It’s quite a story, I have been with my partner for almost 2 years, she was not a stranger to me as we met in college almost 30 years ago , a couple of marriages and a couple of divorces later and we found each other again and started working on a life together. I do not have any children, my partner has two (current ages - 12 year old girl and 18 year old boy) My partner and her ex have joint parental responsibility. When the parents split up ( 6 or 7 years ago ) both children lived with Mum in the former marital home (a 2 up 2 down ) and their father paid maintenance and had regular contact with the children, as far as I’m aware all was good.
My partner was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (Primary Progressive) right around the time she and her husband broke up (im not aware if it was a factor in their break up or not) despite the claims its not hereditary, my partners Mother, Auntie & one of her cousins have the same disability. Over time her condition deteriorated and my partner lost mobility (but did not seek assistance) so the home became a bit less organised, the father by this point lived with his new partner and her daughter, took it upon himself to collect his daughter from school one day and tell her mum did not want her anymore (she was 9 at this point) For whatever reason my partner felt she was unable to do anything and did not pursue it legally ( I suspect the father said he would take the son also if she took any action , but I cannot confirm that suspicion) she tried to maintain contact with her daughter, but the daughter blanked her, as she was lead to believe mum didn’t want her anymore.
Things then got even worse, my partner had a big MS attack and was hospitalised for 10 weeks, during that time, her ex visited the house and in effect took possession of it (his name was still on mortgage) a family court awarded him sole rights of sale based upon my partners condition and the fact she was in hospital, he cleaned the house out and changed the locks and put it up for sale (My partner did receive her fair share of money but there was not much after taking in account the outstanding mortgage etc) My partner found herself upon being discharged from hospital living in her mums front room behind a small screen with a hospital bed and a commode (she is unable to access the upstairs of the house due to her disability) and has been told the waiting list for a suitable home is years at best.
We now get to the crux of the issue, the daughter lived with her dad until April this year when its alleged whilst she was naughty, he grabbed her wrist and that left a mark, the police were called and he was arrested, the daughter came to stay with her mum for a few days. To allow the dust to settle and social services to carry out assessments etc, the daughter did not want to press charges against her dad; the end result was a child protection plan. The daughter visited mum for a couple of weekends building the contact again, however when the daughter was home with dad she played up and said that if he disciplined her, she would call the police and report him for assault, this became a regular threat and he felt unable to cope anymore, so with social services blessing the daughter came to stay with mum, where it all began nicely but when there have been lapses in the daughters behaviour and mum has tried to correct it with a form of punishment (no laptop /Netflix’s for a day etc , never physical violence) the daughter has been increasing in her level of rage, shouting screaming and culminating in yesterdays taking a knife and threatening to stab her mother! The Police were called but my partner did not press charges “shes my little girl” was her tearful reply.
The issue as I see it are that the daughter dominates the mum (when mums phone rings the daughter is right by her side, who’s that etc) and the mum feels that she unable impose any rules or face the anger, threat of assault claim and after yesterday’s incident perhaps worse, she also feels that to say she cannot cope will mean her daughter goes into care and will hate her for it.
I’ve tried to intercede where I can but I am faced with the your not my dad, if you do anything I tell the Police you assaulted me scenarios and yesterday (I spoke to her on the phone after the incident) she said “If I go near her she will do to me what I did to mum” I asked “What was that” she said “threaten her with a knife”
Upon that I called social services, who quite rightly cannot disclose any information to me, but took a statement of events that will be passed to the social worker on Monday…….
Ive since heard this is not the first time a knife has been brandished!
Is there anything more I can do?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear odessey,

Welcome to the Parents Forum. I am Suzie, FRG’s online adviser.

I am sorry to hear about Mum’s ill health and her daughters increasingly difficult behaviour. Her daughter seems to have had a lot of trauma in her life from being told her mum did not want her; her mum being seriously ill and hospitalised; to losing her home; and suffering physical abuse by her father. Along with being a teenager, this is a lot to cope with. Her behaviour is very likely to reflect how she is feeling. Even so this behaviour is very dangerous and her social worker needs to urgently be looking for support for her.

I can see that you are in a difficult position of supporting your partner with her daughter’s behaviour but feel powerless as you do not have legal parental responsibility for the daughter. You could help mum deal with the social worker or help her look for support. You could advocate on her behalf or find an advocate for her, if she needs this. Or you could be a listening ear. Why don’t you ask mum how you can help?

The child has a social worker who should be looking at the support she needs. For example, she might benefit from counselling or a referral to the child and adolescent mental health team.
Local authorities also provide support to address children’s abusive behaviour towards their parents as well as counsel parents on how to de-escalate such behaviour. YUVA at the domestic violence intervention project has such a service. YUVA

A family group conference could be arranged to look for support within the family and friend’s network to help mum care for her daughter or look for family and friends who could step in to care for her if she cannot stay with mum or if she needs respite. This is something that you could be involved in.

Mum could also ask for an assessment for support due to her ill health. For example, she could ask for respite to give her a break from caring for her daughter. Her daughter is most likely classed as a “young carer” of mum and so should be getting help due to this. Here is our
advice sheet about assessments which advises what is involved in an assessment and how to ask for one. I wonder whether there is any support for her, via a Multiple Sclerosis charity.

I hope this advice helps. Please also consider calling our advice line on 0808 801 0366.
Best wishes,
Suzie