Confusing situation

[lostandconfused]

Hello.

My oldest child was taken into care 6 years ago. ODD and conduct disorder. I couldnt manage and it was classed as domestic violence by them. I was told if I accepted my child back into the home, I would have child protection placed on my other kids and chances were high that I'd lose them all.
The social worker at the time was absolutely useless. Telling me that what I was doing was great and to keep doing it. Nothing I was doing was working. Behaviour was deteriorating, yet I was repeatedly being told everything was good so that they didn't need to intervene. They were trying their hardest to close the case and I had to fight to keep it open.


Fast forward a little. Contact was still on going, although extremely difficult. Assessments were done on me again for my other kids, no issues. Case closed.
Behaviour was still escalating. It got to the point i was travelling miles to be just be abused. Often infront of my other kids as well. My mental health rapidly declined and I had to cut contact for my own sake and the sake of my other children. My oldest would then make friends with people from our area, just so that they could abscond and head to my home to abuse me further. This started before I cut contact.

Fast forward a touch more and they ended up in a secure unit. When they came out, contact resumed. All was well for a period. At times they (my child. Im trying to keep it neutral so to not out myself) would cut contact with me and then act as if i had cut contact - telling me I couldn't keep cutting contact when things were tough as its damaging. I had only cut contact that one time.
Me refusing to answer calls that were just abusive, or hanging the phone up to abuse would also be classed as me cutting contact

From age 13-16 our relationship was mostly fairly steady, a few ups and downs but mostly a close relationship. Overnights and visits were frequent.
Issues would happen still but it would be a case of pretending they never did to resume the relationship.

Fast forward to now. Age 17. I did cut contact this time. Id had enough. I cant take it anymore, not when it was affecting my mental health and I have the other kids to look after.

So now, I am being told that my child no longer wants me to have any info at all. So if they were on their death bed, I am not to be told.
I do have PR still. I am just being told that if I do not agree with this, to seek a solicitor.
I do not agree with this, but i don't want to, nor do I feel I should have to seek a solicitor in order to make sure I am informed if something serious happens to my child.

I just want to know if they can actually do this?
I understand with my child being 17 and is obviously entitled to make decision like this. It would make complete sense if I was to call up and ask for a daily, weekly or even monthly run down on their day to day living. Id understand that information being withheld from me. But not serious matters.

Surely until my child is 18, they are required to keep me informed of serious things?

If i got a solicitor, it wouldn't be long until theyre 18 and so it seems really pointless and stress inducing for nothing.

Sorry for it being so long and if its a little all over the place. I cut a lot out as it was so much longer

It has constantly seemed like the staff and social worker have just wanted me to accept abuse, because its a child who has issues. I have never agreed with that as my stance is there is no excuse for abuse. Work should be encouraged to change the behaviour. But I tried their way by pretending abuse never happened to continue the relationship. Which in my opinion has just led my child to believe that abusing people is fine because it gets forgotten about and live resumes as normal.
When i have tried doing what I feel is the right thing, with issuing consequences etc. I have been made to feel like I am the one in the wrong. I dont know how many times when I've taken a firm stance on doing what I believed to be the right thing id be asked "have you got support for your mental health?" As if my reason for doing what I was doing was due to mental health reasons, rather than common sense.

If a child smashes a TV because you said no to buying them a donkey, you don't take them horse riding. You give them a consequence for their actions! But apparently, my approach is wrong.

I remember before going into care, as a consequence to horrendous behaviour id refused them going on a school trip. Horrendous behaviour being: assaulting me, nasty to siblings, running away every night and smashing the house up. The school and social worker arranged to pay for the trip and encouraged me to send my child anyway as a way to wipe the slate.
This same kind of treatment has happened throughout the time in care.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear lostandconfused

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your posts. My name is Suzie and I am FRG’s online adviser. I am very sorry that you have not received a response sooner.

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties that you and your eldest child have experienced both before and since they have been in care. Thank you for setting out your experience of the situation so helpfully. I can see that you have tried hard to maintain a relationship with your child even when you have felt very abused by them. You and children’s services have not always agreed on the best way to manage the situation, for the reasons you have explained, and throughout you have also had to care for your younger children and look after your own mental wellbeing. It sounds as if both you and your eldest child have struggled and you stopped spending time with each other last year when they were 17.

From what you say, your child will be 18 shortly and they are indicating via their social worker that they don’t want you to be kept informed about them at all. You don’t want regular updates just to be informed about serious matters. I can see that this is causing you distress and children’s services’ suggestion that if you want to challenge this you would need to get a solicitor is not helpful to you.

If there is a care order in place, you are right that this means you still share parental responsibility for your child with the local authority until they are 18 – however they can make decisions that you disagree with. They have a duty to find out and consider your wishes and feelings when making decisions for your child. At 18, parental responsibility diminishes though as young people are more able to make their own decisions which I guess is what is happening here – your son or daughter is articulating their views. There can be a tension between young people’s and their parent’s rights. However, children’s services also can try to find ways to promote children’s lifelong relationships with their parents and families. Have children’s services stated that they have assessed that your child has the understanding and ability to make up their own mind on this matter? You are clearly understandably concerned that vital information might not be shared with you.

You could set out in writing to the key professionals involved, including the Independent Reviewing Officer, your concerns about this issue, what information in particular you would like to be informed about, ask that they confirm in writing their reasons for their decision and that you would like some reassurance /some resolution to be found about how you could be informed about a serious matter - you could perhaps copy this in to the complaints department or the local authority legal department. If need be you could reconsider getting advice from a solicitor. In practical terms though, as you have highlighted, your child will soon legally become an adult when they are 18 - the care order will end as will both your PR and the local authority’s although they will continue to have duties to your child.

It may be that as your child matures they will want to re-establish a relationship with you.

I hope this helps a little.

With best wishes

Suzie