Worries about stepdaughter

[CoffeenotTea]

Hi, i need some advice on what to do. My partner and i live together with our 21mth old son and we have had to go thorough so much to live together as my partner has a sopo. He has 2 children he sees from a previous relationship but is supervised by his parents but by me with our son. His daughter is 11 (nearly 12) and live with her mother, however she is having a really tough time. Her mum is mentally and emotionally abusing her. Nothing she does is ever good enough calls her all the names under the sun (to make her feel good about herself). She has welted and belted her a few times with the metal. Part of the hoover, hairbrush, hand and also grabs her by her ears and shakes her, this has been witnessed by her 10 year old brother who thinks this is acceptable and has decided he's allowed to do it. This is not an everyday occurrence (still not acceptable) she makes her do chores to earn food (school dinners) and clothes. My oartner pays her £300 a month maintenance which is then spent on booze, make up and her brothe. With careful reseach i have come to the conclusion she has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Where i need help. Is because of my partners past (sopo) he cant just go get her out the situation, he's frightened she'll get taken into care if he informs Social Services. She knows that we are always available if she EVER needs us. We have a bond like a mother n daughter ( which the ex hates). We want her to be safe and to come live with us but we need guidance on what to do and where to go. We have worked with Social Services so we can live as a family with our son so working with them is no problem. She has just openly said the other day she wants to live with us, what do we do?? (she knows social services were around when she was younger because of daddy.)

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear CoffeenotTea,

Thank you for posting on the Parents’ Forum. I’m sorry to hear about the concerns you have about your step-daughter. They certainly are very worrying. You are doing the right thing by seeking help and advice on what to do next. It is also concerning that her brother is witnessing and copying his mum’s alleged behaviour. If this is actually the case, then children’s service are likely to have concerns about both children.

I do understand your partner’s worries. However, to make sure the children are safe and protected, it is really important that children’s services know about your concerns. I would urge you to contact them as soon as you can. You should contact the children’s services where your step-children live. If you still have a social worker involved with your child, then you can speak to them and they will contact the relevant local authority.

Without knowing exactly what is going on in the home, I couldn’t say whether the children would be taken into care or not. If they cannot stay in their mother’s home, and cannot live with you and your partner, it is important to think whether any other family or friends could care for the children, for example, their grandparents. If they are removed from their mother, it is not automatically the case that they would be placed with strangers. If children cannot live with either parent, they need to be placed in the most appropriate placement and preference must be given to any willing and suitable relatives or friends. Here is our advice sheet on family and friends caring for children. Also, children can only be removed from their parent’s care if:
- a parent (or other person) with parental responsibility agrees (that’s called accommodation);
- the local authority get a court order (emergency protection order or interim care order); or
- the police remove them into police protection.

In terms of how and if your step-daughter could live with your and partner, you said that your partner currently has supervised contact with his children. Is this a condition of his SOPO? I don’t know why the SOPO was made or what conditions are attached to it. However, if the conditions include your partner only having supervised contact with his daughter, in order for her to live with him, he would need to try to have those conditions varied. Unlock have more information.

Even if the conditions of his SOPO are varied, you should discuss your partner's and step-daughter’s wishes with children’s services. Do they have any concerns about his daughter living with you? You and your partner have already demonstrated that you are able to work constructively with children services and I would encourage you to keep that up.

There is more information that you might find useful in our advice sheets. I’d recommend:
- 9. Child protection
- 11. Duties on children’s services when children are in the care system
- 15 Care (and related) proceeding

Firstly however, I would again strongly urge you to contact Children’s Services as soon as you can. If you really feel you cannot, then do speak to the NSPCC or if you have concerns about her immediate safety, the police.

If you have any further questions do get back in touch with me.

Kind regards

Suzie

[CoffeenotTea]

My partner's offence is against a female aged 13. He is not allowed any un-supervised access with any of his children. This is what social services have said, which his PPO is very puzzled as to why he can't have un-supervised access with his 2 son's. So our question is even if he was to go back to court and get his sopo altered, what would the chances be of social services ever letting him having unsupervised access to any of his children?
If my step daughter was to live here with me, would social services allow it if my partner (her dad) moved out?, but this would have an impact on not only his and ours sons relationship but ours too, as this was the case when he was 1st born for him to eventually live a "normal family life" with us and took us 9 months of working with social services and living apart. Our son is allowed to live with us, but he has to be supervised at all time. We are in contact with her everyday, and trust me when i say I'd be round there before the police if i thought she was in ANY serious danger and all services would be phoned.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear CoffeenotTea,

Thank you for posting again. I’m pleased you are in frequent contact with your stepdaughter. You are monitoring what is happening at home and you say that you will call the call services if she’s in any serious danger.

However, the alleged behaviour of mum that you described in your previous post, is concerning, even if it’s not an everyday occurrence. What you described would be considered physical and emotional abuse. I really would urge you to contact children’s services and explain your concerns. As I said previously, it may not be the case that your stepdaughter is removed from her mum. However, by telling children’s services about your concerns, they can make sure she and her brother are safe and protected from harm.

Regarding your question about children’s services insisting upon supervised contact, children’s services role is to assess children’s needs and ensure that they are safe. This includes being kept safe from any form of sexual abuse or contact with a person who poses a risk to children. Your partner’s offence was against a child (who was about the same age as his daughter is now). He will be considered as a risk and that’s why he is only able to have supervised contact. Before any decisions are made about unsupervised contact, children’s services would need to do further work with your partner and carry out a risk assessment.

You have obviously worked well with children’s services so far. You’ve demonstrated how your son can be kept safe, whilst living as a family, with you as a protective adult. If your stepdaughter can’t remain living with her mum, you could decide that your partner moves out and put yourself forward as a carer and for her to live with you. I explained in my previous post that when a child can’t live with a parent, there should be a preference for them to live with a family member or friend. You can find out more information about a child coming to live with you in this advice sheet.

You can also find lots of information, advice and support on the Lucy Faithful Foundation’s Stop It Now service, their online family and friends forum and Parents Protect websites as well as on the NSPCC Women as Protectors pages.

Kind regards

Suzie

[CoffeenotTea]

Hi Suzie,

Thanks for your response. Since my last post we have confronted her and she was willing for my stepdaughter to be picked up by my partners parents, however she has since refused this to happen as she would not receive maintenance and has threatened and blackmailed us both saying she would get my partner done for rape and me done for grooming, all because we have challenged her over the mental and physical abuse of my stepdaughter and that we would go to the csa with regards to maintenance.. My partners fear is that because he is a registered sex offender he would get arrested because of her false accusation and his past. My stepdaughter rang me on friday to say that if she told us of anymore incidents her mum would make sure she is put in a home and not with family members and also said she was not allowed to talk to us ever and that her mum was buying her a new phone so we can not contact her. Since this has happened my stepdaughter has been uncontactable.