Do SGO holders have control over your relationships?

[FallingFlowers]

I'm currently not in a relationship but child was removed largely due to domestic abuse in previous relationship. SGO holder seems very against the idea of me even dating. I've done the freedom programme and have learnt so much, but obviously it would look better to CS if I can put what I've learnt into practice one day. SGO holder has previously told me that because they have an SGO they have a say in any relationships I may have, but I thought an SGO was there to give me space to make better choices, not for the holder of the SGO to control my choices?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear FallingFlowers

Welcome back to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. I am sorry that I have not been able to respond to your query sooner.

The SGO is the legal order which the court made for your daughter; it gives the Special Guardian (SG) parental responsibility (PR) for her and allows the SG to exercise this PR to the exclusion of all others with PR (including you, the child’s mother).

The SG has no rights over you or over your choices; you are an adult able to make your own decisions.

However, the SG has a role in agreeing or facilitating the arrangements for you to see or talk to your child. If they were concerned in some way that any new relationship of yours could potentially put the child at risk (e.g. if there was domestic violence in the new relationship) then I suppose this would affect their willingness to promote contact. The SG is responsible for safeguarding the child and may be very cautious, perhaps because of the initial circumstances which led to you losing the care of your daughter.

Of course you are entitled to move on though and to live a full life too including forming new relationships, if you wish to. I know from your previous posts that you have made a number of important changes in your life and availed of support services since then too.

As I said your contact with your daughter is the one area where the SG can have a say in what happens especially if the arrangements are at their discretion rather than as part of a court order – a court order can also be varied by the court if need be.

Perhaps if you do form a new relationship you could consider reassuring the SG, maybe doing a Clare’s Law (domestic violence disclosure scheme) check (for your own peace of mind as well). If this is not a good idea or if the SG prevents or changes your contact you could ask children’s services to assist with mediation or if necessary go back to court to resolve any dispute.

Here is our advice sheet on special guardianship: what does it mean for birth parents? for your information.

I hope that this helps.

With best wishes

Suzie

[FallingFlowers]

Thank you for your reply. I'm currently not ready for a relationship but the advice is helpful, though my worry is that the SGO wouldn't even let me be in a relationship as they seem to think I make poor judgements regardless of what I do

[FallingFlowers]

Hi Suzie,

I was wondering if I could ask for further advice? If I was to be in a relationship by plan is to take it very slowly, go on dates for a few months before officially calling it a relationship and then I would inform SGO of the relationship in order to give me a chance to find out how I feel first before any interference from others. I also plan on not letting the potential partner meet my child until around 18 months into the relationship, nor agree to live together until after then (in the past we moved in together at the 4 month mark and at 1 year he became physically abusive). My worry is that, if I keep the relationship to myself and a trusted friend for a few months before telling SG, would they then accuse me of being dishonest etc which would cause problems?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi FallingFlowers,
Welcome back to the Parents Forum.
As I said in my earlier post it is up to you who you see and you don’t need to let the SG know about any relationships you have unless it effects your child in any way. For example, if you wanted to introduce a new partner to your child, you would need to discuss it with the SG first of all.
I am so sorry to hear that you suffered DV in the last relationship. I know you have done the Freedom programme already but you might want to consider a refresher programme to give you confidence when looking for another relationship.
Kind regards,
Suzie