Disabled parent/ violence/SS Assesment

[ZigZag]

This could take a long time so I will just boil the situation down to the bones;

I am married to someone with on going serious mental health issues

I have physical disabilities and use a wheelchair

There has been violence towards me

I have been falsely accused of being the violent one (something I am not mentally or physically capable of)

Following the accusation my partner moved into the in-laws with our 3 month old daughter and our child is now under a child protection plan

It seems the truth is slowly being realised (I hope) regarding the false accusations of violence by social services, however, and this is the nub of it. I have to have two parenting assessment to gain unaccompanied access to see my daughter again.

I would like to have sole custody

Question: What does the assessment involve? If there are things which I am physically unable to do without specialist equipment will this go against me? What help is there for single, disabled, parents?

[purdie]

Zig Zag,
Your should be able to do the parental assesment with an Independent Advocate it you do not have any support of your own.Even if you do have support take an Advocate as well.
The council should have the number for this service,but may not be willing to hand it over,I think it is very inportant to get someone one who may be connected to a disability charity,because they will understand your situation better.But their are others that will help you.
The Parenting Assesment will more than likely have a social worker their an IRO officer who chair's the meeting, the Social Workers Manager,and maybe other people,and to be on your own in this meeting can be very daunting and upsetting.
The Advocate will speak for you if you find it hard, as you are emotionaly attached to your child and this meeting can be quite hard to get through on your own, also the Advocate will be an Independent witness,and may attend all the meetings you attend so she/he will have everything writen down, that way thing's will not be able to be changed or added to without your knowledge that you have not said.
Ring the council tomorrow and ask for the number for the Independent Advocacy service, if you don't get anywhere ring a charity in your area and ask if they have an advocacy service if they do ask them to attend to support you.
My best advice is get some Independent Support for you,

[ZigZag]

Many thanks Purdie,

The assessment is taking place at my home (with stairs) and will just be the social worker and my daughter. She is due around in about two hours! I have been told that I can’t be left alone with my Daughter until the two assessments are done. One assessment today, and one next Tuesday. I expect them to ask me to do things like bath little one etc’. All stuff that I can do with some help, and/or additional mobility aids (stair lift or a bungalow for example) . It hurts me to be in the position where anyone can think that I am a danger to my Daughter. I will contact the council now as you advised.

I have seen a solicitor; she has taken a very hard line with her advice. As I have a documented 5 year history of violence and abuse towards me (something my friends told me to do) she suggests that I go for full custody, a divorce and a restriction order (?) / Non molestation (?) something like that.
Something that seems to change the dynamic when it comes to parenting assessments is that I am male. Having reread my last post that was not clear, if that changes anything. The core review meeting was focused on building the relationship between my wife and daughter with no mention of my relationship with my child. It was following my comment to this end that these assessments were arranged.

[purdie]

Hay ZigZag,
I wonder if Giving Womens Aid a ring would help you,their all part of Domestic Violence,and may have a number for men to ring, Domestic Violence can happen to anyone Male or Female,
they are a reconised respected Charity, they will have an Advocacy service,from the sounds of things your having a pretty rough time,so get as many people on your side you can is my advice,working along with you and your Solicitor,the Social Services came to my house 2 of them said terrible things to me and then left, that was 2 years ago and their behaviour is still dreadfull I only wish I had someone here that day to listen to the stuff they were saying.
Maybe you have a good Social worker but 2 years on I am still waiting to find one.
Good Luck for this afternoon but get some support at these meetings.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hello Zigzag

I wonder how things went with the social worker yesterday? I hope that it was a positive meeting and you now feel clearer about what the full assessment will entail/ expectations of you etc.

If you still feel unclear, I would advise that you contact the social worker, preferably in writing, and ask him/ her to clarify the situation. An email would be ideal if possible. Ask the social worker to confirm, in writing,

- what, specifically, is being assessed
- what the assessment will entail
- when the assessment will be complete and when you can have a copy of any reports written
- what is the timescale and process for any decision making regarding your contact with your daughter

I would certainly advise that you continue to work closely with your solicitor- it sounds as though she is being very supportive and proactive regarding your position.

It may be helpful for you to read our advice sheet for disabled parents

I wonder also if you have had any contact with dppi and/ or DPN. These organisations offer information, advice and peer support to disabled parents.

I hope this is helpful Zigzag. Let us know how you are getting on.

Best Wishes

Suzie
FRG Adviser

[ZigZag]

Thanks Suzie,

I had the social services parenting assessment yesterday. It seemed to go well. My Daughter was super; she shouted at me a few times and screamed a bit, & so ,we got along fine .

The social worker seemed satisfied that I can cope with her on my own and as there is no police record of violence on my part I am now able to have access unaccompanied.

I was told that the next step is for adult services to come out and do an assessment for me so that I have the facilities to have her overnight. This may mean that they help with the fitting of a stair lift etc.’

Thanks for the advice and the links which are really helpfull

[ZigZag]

Thanks for the support and advice Purdie, I have never worked with social services before and don’t find trusting them easy, especially having seen some of the posts on here.

I have found an advice service for the domestic violence that have an allocated worker for men. Strangely it is a woman.

[purdie]

Hey ZIGZAG,
I just read your post about your visit yesterday with a big smile on my face,even bigger when you contacted Domestic Violence, us women arn't all bad, you are so brave to get help with the violence you suffered, only people who have experienced Domestic Violence can really know how hard it is to break free, I'm so glad everything went well yesterday for you and your Daughter,and the stair lift will be a great asset to help you, i'm sure your Daughter will enjoy her little rides up and down the stairs on your lap.
I hope your assesments all goes well in the future, I have never been in a possition with Social Services,before either its been a nightmare, I only answered your post because I felt you may need a bit of support and to let you know someone out their cares, even if it's a stranger I used to be a carer for people with disabilities, and understand the difficulties you may be in,so your post jumped out at me ,I also understand Domestic Violence sadly.
Please keep writing on your post as it would be nice to see a happy ending on this web site.
Give yourself a big treat for getting a good report,cake normal dose it for me lol lol.
WELL DONE.

[ZigZag]

Thanks Purdie,

It has been a help putting the situation down onto the site, getting positive and helpful feedback is superb.

I am in the house alone now. All the dreams I had of snuggling up with my girls (Wife & Daughter) on the sofa, family holidays etc.’ have flown out of the window and it can feel very lonely. I know that my wife wants to start again with me. We have been through this loop a few times. Now that we have the little one our relationship can no longer be an option with her anger and violence.

Tough but I need to accept the fact it is over. It helps to know that there are others out there. Cheers

Oh, my treat...... I think it may be a KFC

[purdie]

zigzag LOL LOL KFC,

It's sad but true Domestic Violence is a repeating loop,11 years i've been out of the loop I'm still getting greef still in and out of court stuck in his loop, I think about how I wanted my life to be, the perfect family,lovely white cottage in the country with roses around the door, running through fields of poppy's with no shoes on,living the dream in my head.
Domestic Violence has totally ruin my family, you may think all is lost at the moment and things can't get any worse,but i'm going to tell you what I now know, I kept going back and the violence impacted on my child a lernt behaviour I was told,my child had a really bad temper from a young age,but I tried to deal with it but as my child grew so did the temper, untill I was engulfed in it, I went everywhere to get help and one day found my self at the door of social services asking for help,as I had an accident and could not defend myself anymore 2 years now my daughter has been in care, and they won't allow contact.my childs life has sprialed out of control in care, by being with my x and giving him chance after chance in my childs early life, I never relised what effect it had on my child because I was to busy surviving.
ZigZag you have a chance now with your daughter, don't let the seed of domestic violence be planted as one day like me you may be in the same position.
ALONE and dealing with the most dreadfull people, more than you are now, but you have your child so as hard as it may seem you are both together and your child is to young to know.
Your wife must seek her own help before she can think about any contact.
Apparently this is quite normal for a child who see's abuse to become the abuser.
I just have to keep fighting and stay possitive that one day my child will return home.
It's not easy raising a child on your own, but maybe if I knew then I was going to lose my child I would have gone the first day it happend.
Try going to mother and baby groups and make new friends it's good for you, and the baby will love it.
Sometimes they have them at the libuary in the mornings.