Daughters boyfriend is a sex offender

[stanley35]

Hello, I am new to this forum and I really need some advice. My daughter is 20 and is having a baby with a man who is 34. I recently found out that he had served time in jail for statutory rape. I told my daughter who asked him about it and he admitted that he had. He said that it was 10yrs ago and the girl who was 15 had told him she was 16. Her parents knew they were sleeping together but failed to tell him she was 15. When he ended the relationship her parents informed the police and consequently went to prison. He was on the sex offenders register for 7yrs and has been off it for 3. I felt very uneasy about this and didn't know what to do but she wouldn't listen to me. A few days later my daughter told me she was pregnant by him, I was quite upset because apart from anything else, they had only been together for a short time. Last week I was approached by a woman I had never seen before who asked if I new this man was a rapist, she said he had served time for statutory rape which I already knew but had also been sleeping with her 15yr old daughter at the same time. I'm at my wits end, the baby is due in a couple of months and I just feel uneasy about the whole thing. This man is creepy and has a lot of 16 and 17yr old girls as friends, which I know isn't a crime but it just makes me feel uneasy. Do social services need to be made aware of the situation?

[rosetta]

Hi Stanley,

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I have not been in the same position personally but am dealing with social service with regards to my 4 year old son. If I were you, I would sit down with your daughter and discuss the situation with her. Does she want to keep the baby and are they still together? I would inform the police and social services if you think that your daughter and your unborn grandchild are at risk. Your daughter is not being very responsible, if she knows that he is a rapist and still wants to be with him. Love is blind, it makes you do stupid things with very serious concequences trust me I know - Its why i am in the mess that im in at the moment.


I hope this helps


Take Care

[stanley35]

The problem is, she doesn't see him as a rapist, she believes that he didn't know the girl was underage and when I mentioned the woman telling me about her daughter she went mad. He makes out that he is the victim and the more I try to tell her he isn't, the more angry she gets at me. I don't want to push her away so I am trying to be diplomatic. He has moved into her flat but doesn't work, she is still working full time to pay for baby things while he spends his money on himself. She is having a little girl and he seems really happy about it which just makes me feel even more uneasy. Thank you for replying.

[stanley35]

I found out over the weekend that this man is a drug user. I loathe drugs and have always drummed it into my daughter the consequences of using drugs and the harmful effects they have. I know she wouldn't use them but I am deeply shocked that she would have a relationship with someone who does. I am close to breaking point here as I am scared of losing my daughter and unborn grandaughter. I am going to ring social services later and make them aware of the situation. Thank you for your help Rosetta and I hope your situation is resolved soon.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Stanley35,

Thank you for posting on the parents forum. I am sorry to hear about your concerns for your daughter and her unborn baby. It must be very worrying for you.

I want to quickly post a reply to you as I know that you are contacting children services today. You are worried about your daughter’s boyfriend and the safety of your unborn granddaughter. He had been registered on the sex offender register due to having sex with an underage girl and you have also found out that he is misusing drugs. You are concerned about whether or not he poses a risk to your unborn granddaughter and your daughter.
I agree with you and rosetta that you do need to speak to children services about your concerns. They will then be able to assess what risk there may be to your grand daughter and offer support and protection if need be, to her and your daughter.
Here is our advice sheet about Child Protection which sets out what happens when a referral is made to children services (social services). It also looks at the different options for protecting children.
You could also contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation who specialise in advising and supporting families when there are concerns about possible sexual abuse.

If you want to discuss further, you could also contact our advice line on 0808 801 0366. I noted that you are grandma-so you will find support and advice( from me) for yourself as grandmother from ourFriends and family discussion board.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[stanley35]

Thank you so much for your reply. I still haven't worked up the courage to ring them, I am shaking like a leaf. I'm so worried that they will do an assessment and say that there is no cause for concern and I will lose my daughter and grandaughter.

[stanley35]

I have spoken to childrens services in the area and given them as much information as I possibly can. Thank you for you advice.

[stanley35]

As far as I'm aware, childrens services have not been in contact with my daughter as I'm positive she would have told me if they had. I'm assuming that they don't feel this man is a risk to my unborn granchild. I have tried to talk to my daughter again about him but she just keeps saying the same thing. He made a mistake 10yrs ago by sleeping with a girl he believed to be 16, even her parents did nothing to stop this and they knew because she was sleeping at his house. She said he is not a paedophile and is not a risk to small children or anyone else under 16 and I'm beginning to think that SS see him this way too. As a mother I feel she is being irresponsible but I have done all I can. I even spoke to the police who basically said because he has served his time and has been taken off the register he is free to father a child and there's no law against it. I feel like I'm the only person who is concerned about this. Does anyone know if this is right?

[stanley35]

Well it just got worse. I appears that last year, my daughters boyfriend was in a relationship with his 1st cousin. They were sleeping together years ago, AFTER he was released from prison and his cousin was 15 at the time. Surely this shows that he hadn't learned his lesson? Child services were not involved at the time. The reason they split up last year was because his cousin had left him alone with her 1 year old baby and when she came home, he was off his head on drugs. Fortunately the baby was asleep. I don't know what to do!

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi stanley35

I am sorry to things that you do not be seem to be getting anywhere, in relation to the concerns you have about the father of your daughter's baby.

As difficult as it may seem, she sees you as the messenger at the moment. The reality is, she is a young, vulnerable mother who may be struggling to prioritise the needs of her relationship, over those of her baby. Especially when the father, based on his past history, could pose a risk to them both.The problem you have, is that he is an unassessed risk to them at the current time, although he has completed his sentence and monitoring requirements due to his past behaviour.

Therefore, your best tactic at this stage is continue to offer her your support, ensure that you continue to have as much contact, as possible with her and the baby. This could be the best chance you get to ensure the baby is monitored, and you can be satisfied is safe at what is clearly a difficult time for you.

It may be advisable to keep a written log of your concerns that you have about the safety of your daughter, and the baby. This way, you could consider sending a written copy to Children's Services (and or the NSPCC) if you continue to be very concerned, and still feel that not enough is being done. You say you have been in touch with the police, and they are satisfied that there is no criminal offence being committed.

May I ask if your daughter has shared most of this information with you herself, after speaking to her boyfriend, or if you have been given it by the 3rd party, who you say approached you. The reason I ask is that it is possible that the Local Authority may not have a full record of the details.

As a result, you may be able to persuade this other person to make a referral to Children's Services themselves, and ask them if they would be willing to complete a pre birth assessment.

If you continue to have concerns about the baby's welfare, now that your daughter is seven month's pregnant, you could then be confident you have done everything possible to try to protect your daughter and the baby. At this point you may wish to consider putting in a formal complaint.

Please keep the board updated about what you decide to do, and so that you can receive support from other grandparents that may have similar concerns about their grandchildren to be.

You can speak to an adviser on our advice line on 0808 801 0366 Monday to Friday 09.30 to 03.00 pm.

Best Wishes



Suzie