I'm concerned about my SD welfare

[Staypositive]

I'm a step parent and we've had our step children living with us for a long time. Our step kids had behaviour issues, the school was always reporting the children for hygiene, behaviour, lack of food (skinny) and general sleepiness.
Anyway they came to live with us. I noticed their behaviour right away and I said well this is not acceptable so I started making rules and routine. My step son took to the rules and routine I'd set but the step daughter started to misbehave, she wanted to live back with her mum. She kept begging her mum and crying. Until she started to accuse me of beating her up. Mind you at this point we got cameras installed around the house. So no evidence of abuse. It got to a point where my SD was at a party at her mum's and started to cry and say I was abusing her. Everyone jumped on it, trying to help her. But fact is she just wanted her mum to care about her and take her to live with her. I wasn't even mad she made up lies about me because she just wanted attention from her mum.

Moving on..
This is where it gets a little bit more serious and concerning, she did move into her mum's in the end.
But she has not been in a good way, I gave up all her clothes (that I brought for her) to her mum so she could have clothes, even uniform. I really spent a lot taking her out and treating her nice and buying her clothes.
Since she's been turning up to school dirty, smelly, hair unbrushed, she's wearing mini skirts and pulling them all the way up so you can see the bottom of her bottom (she's only 11 years old) she's not eating because there's no food for her to eat.
The school has been moaning but not to her mum but to my husband as her mum doesn't answer the phone or care... No food, no uniform and dirty (smelly)
The mum and step dad have a baby on the way and their relationship is unstable. They are aggressive at each other. Not only that they fall to pieces about nothing, they've accused me of random nothings and got extremely aggressive over it.
The signs and symptoms they are showing is of some sort of drug usage. Their house is disgusting and full of cats pooing and weeing everywhere. They don't clean. There's no motivation to get up and do anything.
There aggressive behaviour has also resulted in my husband frightened as they just come round and shout abuse at us but next minute be mellow.
I don't know what I can do as a parent and step parent.

Extra info:
Step daughter has been acting very bad since the move back. She has took a knife to school and threatened the kill two girls. She's been fighting at school in which she started by aggravation. She's been starting fires, she's been vaping in the school's bathroom. She's been stealing a lot. Her whole attitude has changed to aggressive. (A lot of people are actually scared of her)

[Bossman1959]

I am so sorry to hear this, it must be awful for you to see how she has deteriated since moving back in with mum.
I am not an admin on the forum, so they may not like my response, appolgies to them if that is so. However you have described my worst night mare for my grandaughter.

You dont mention any court orders in you text, if there are none then, I would change that imediately.

The school is concerned, others too most probably, clearly your stepdaughter is not being looked after properly. Still looking for attention, but like many young girls, in all the wrong places.

I myself would take what ever action you can to safe guard this 11 year old who clearly thinks she is a teenager, and an unhappy one to boot.

If no order involved I would try to set up an emergency hearing (mother and new partner not responding to school, ask the school to put in writing their concerns to the court if unwilling ask them to put them in writing to you) ask the judge for at least a lives with order and a prohibited steps order with a police power to return your step daughter if she runs back to mum, and a romoval order for her mum and new partner as your family feels scared by her mother and mothers new partner. Whome you beleive are on some king of mood enhancing drugs, and can be verbally agressiveand potentially physically aggressive.
Hopefully you get both, this will most likely be pending a full hearing. If possible before or as soon as you have the order remove your step daughter from their care.

If an order is in place you can still go down this route of an emergency order, you may have trouble removing your step daughter as her mother and mothers new partner may involve the police for her return which could work in your favour.

Another alternative which may take considerably longer and would cause issues for the mother and new partner, would be to contact child services for their input. This may result in the child srevices removing her to your care, they can sometimes however be very single minded, that girls should be with mum. This would most certainly start an investigation as to the suitability of the mother and new partner to care for the half sibbling.

Hope this helps,I wish you all good luck and if possible would suggest you try and encourage your stepdaughter to go to counselling as that might enable her to see she is not the problem in her mother/daughter relationship.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Staypostive

Thank you for posting on the forum. My name is Suzie, I am an online adviser and will be responding to you today.

I am sorry to hear of your distress, I hope the information provided is helpful to you.

You are concerned about your step daughter who is 11 years old. The child, along with her sibling was living with her mother but concerns were raised about their wellbeing and they came to live with you. Whilst your stepson settled well, it was more difficult for his sister and following a breakdown in relationships she moved back to live with her mother. You do not say whether children's services were involved.

Since living back with her mother, you and her father have noticed a decline in her behaviours and appearance, and you are concerned that she is being neglected. School have also raised some concerns to her father, but you say not to her mother because they cannot contact her.

The situation you are describing is concerning. You state there is no food in the home for the child to eat and that she is unkept. There has been a change in home circumstances for the child – her mother is pregnant, and you say the mother and new partner are aggressive towards each other. Further that the home conditions are unhygienic and there are animal faeces in the home which are not cleaned away.

Your husband is frightened to address the issues with the child’s mother because the mother and new partner are unpredictable – sometimes aggressive and sometimes passive.

You say the child has taken a knife into school and made threats to kill other children, further that she has been fighting at school and starting fires.

I would advise you and the child’s father to raise a concern to the local authority. You can do this anonymously via children’s services. They will remain open over the Christmas period using their Out of Hours procedures. You will find their contact details on the local authority website. Or or you can contact the NSPCC HERE. You do not need to give your name or any identifying details.

You say school have contacted your partner to raise concerns about the child behaviours and presentation. Do you know whether they have raised their concerns with children’s services? It would be a good idea to contact them to discuss. I would advise the child’s father, who retains parental responsibility, to ask for a meeting with the school once they reopen after the Christmas break to discuss.

You said the children came to live with you? Where any orders put in place? Such as Child Arrangement Orders? Or was this a mutual agreement between the parents? If orders were in place, depending on what type, it may be that the child can be placed back into her father’s care. You can find further information about this HERE .

I hope that the above has been of some help. If you or your partner would like any further advice then you can either post here again or call our free, confidential helpline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm) to speak with an adviser. Please note these are the usual opening times for our advice line but we are closed now for the Christmas break and reopen on Tuesday 3rd January 2023.

Best wishes, Suzie