My 13 Year old daughter is sucidal, I need help!

[braveheart]

Hi there

I haven't been on for a while but I needed to come on here this evening as I just had some disturbing news from my children's social worker today at a meeting I had with her. My 3 children have been in foster care now for 3 years and my eldest child is 13 and I am very worried about her. In previous meetings with the social worker she told me that my daughter had started having therapy again and never stated why and I assumed it was just for the fact of her changing ie hormones and being a typical teenager. But when I had the meeting today I decided to question her why my daughter was having therapy and she said: "Ah yes, well the reason is because she has been having suicidal thoughts and feelings" Well as you would imagine I was shocked and extremely worried as I know my daughter better than anyone else and before she went into care she was a very placid happy child, chatty and loving and loved to do everything any normal girl would. But over the last few LAC reviews that we have had her behaviour seemed to have changed she never wanted to clean her room or do her homework or make an effort even by getting dressed... I thought ok maybe she is a little depressed I will talk to her and see if I can help her.

She would listen to me and say ok mummy I will....but alot has happened over the past few months her foster carer is now expecting her first baby in August and has been in a new relationship for the past year..... Since the foster carer has been in this new relationship myself and the social worker has noticed alot of changes in the fact that the carer put my children in respite in April for 2 weeks whilst she went on holiday abroad with her new boyfriend and never took my children (the fact is the Local Authority have now stopped the allowance they pay foster carers to take children abroad so the foster carers will now have to pay out their own pocket to take children abroad with them) so this felt to me that she didnt want to pay from her own pocket which makes me question her loyalty to caring for my children, (the other foster carer who looks after my other son takes him abroad to dubai every school holidays for six weeks and still pays for him from her own money) so i know that his carer is committed to him.... Then last week I found out again from the social worker that my 2 children my daughter and my son were put in to respite again (respite with my other son and his foster carer) and they have been there now for 2 weeks because apparently their foster carer is having problems with her pregnancy. I asked the social worker today do you know when my children are returning to their foster carer and she replied no we dont know yet....now the thing is my other son and his foster carer go away again to dubai in august and if my other children are still not back with their foster carer what is going to happen to them?? Are they going to put them into another respite home with strangers and make them more unsettled or what.?? If my daughter is already having these feelings surely putting her somewhere else is going to make her feel worse being pulled from pillar to post...

I feel that the social worker is not doing enough to make sure my daughter and son are safe and feel safe and secure emotionally and I am worried about her right now and don't know who to call to try to act on this so I can be more involved... I am worried that the next phone call I get from the social worker will be telling me that my daughter is in hospital or worse dead!!! Please help is there any helplines that I can call who can help you if you are worried about the care and safety of your child when they are in foster care I am at my wits end with fear and worry (I just feel like going to rescue her from it all)

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Carolanne,

I’m sorry to hear that you are so worried about your daughter and that she is not feeling secure right now. Is she still engaging with the therapy? Is anymore intensive support going to be offered to her?

When children are looked after, Children’s Services have a duty to do certain things to make sure they are well looked after and supported. These duties are set out in detail in our duties advice sheet. These duties only apply if you are living in England. If you are in Wales, call our advice line to discuss it further as it is a little different. Please don’t disclose where you live on the board.

As I’m sure you are aware, every looked after child must have a care plan that is regularly reviewed. Part of the plan must make arrangements to address the child’s health needs and emotional and behavioural development. Was the issue of more intensive support addressed in yesterday’s meeting given your daughter’s current emotional state? If it was not then I’d recommend you contact the Independent Reviewing Officer (IRO), whose job it is to make sure the care plan meets the child’s needs, to discuss it in further detail.

Has your daughter been given the opportunity to express her views? Prior to the LAC review yesterday, the IRO should have met with your children privately and also should explain to them that they can have an advocate to help them express their views. This is something that could perhaps help your daughter explain what she is feeling, what is causing her distress and how it can be relieved. NYAS and VOICE both provide youth advocacy and could be worth exploring.

Regarding your son and daughter currently being in respite care, unfortunately the reality is on occasion, such as ill health, this will have to happen. The issue you have of course is you don’t know how long it will continue for and your other son’s foster carers are going on holiday in August. It would be reasonable to start making alternative plans now if your son and daughter can’t return to their foster carer by then and if the social worker isn’t addressing this then I recommend you contact the IRO about it. It is not ideal for your children to go to another respite carer given she is fragile at the moment but the reality may be there is no other option. At least if this possibility is addressed early on there is time to prepare her for the change.

I hope this is helpful and if you have any further questions, please post again.

Best wishes

Suzie

[braveheart]

Hi Suzie

Thank you for your reply and advice. The meeting that I had yesterday with the social worker was not a LAC review but just an arranged meeting that we had made to catch up on the situation regarding my children as I had missed the LAC review in May (their mistake) so I couldn't find out what was said in the meeting and do not know if the IRO knows the reasons that my daughter is having therapy, I assume he should know.

I am very concerned about my children's wellbeing and it is not a one off where it comes to the foster carer putting my children in respite there are other matters that have happened for me and the social worker to question her loyalty to really wanting to care for my children, it feels that now that she is in a new relationship and has her first child on the way that she is loosing interest in caring for my children and the attachment sessions that her and her partner were supposed to go to have not yet happened and these were put in place in the last LAC review before the one in May and still they have not gone to these sessions, this is a real concern to the social worker and myself that her heart is not in it anymore and is more interested in her own life with her new partner and baby that is due. I have never underminded her as a foster carer in front of my children but I have always brought up any issues that I have had about her with the social worker, who then would address the issues.

I don't know what plan of therapy my daughter is having all I know is that she is supposed to be having therapy once a week, the social worker did not tell me of any other plans they have put forward for my children and I also asked her that when my daughter has another therapy session I would like to be there to observe and see what is going on. I know the social worker has no other plan for my children as I asked her what will happen if my children are still with the other foster carer by the time she is due to go on holiday and all the social worker did was reply to me by a text message saying to me "the foster carer is not going abroad till middle of august so will keep you posted" so to me that is no answer except for her just waiting to get any information from my daughters foster carer about what she is doing next whether my children remain in respite or she will take them back or does not want them back at all and that is what is troubling me because this is what I see is going to happen.

I will contact the IRO tomorrow and ask him what he knows of the situation and ask him why nobody told me until now when they know that this has been going on for so long and I was left in the dark, I will then ask him what the plan is for my children have they put a plan in place as they are quick to do it when they want to take your children from you but not quick enough when the children are now part their responsibility. If he tells me that there is no plan in place then that will not be satisfactory enough for me and I will want to pursue this matter further my children are not pawns in a chess game and cannot be just placed from one square to another without it affecting them, its not about whats best for the carer it is what's best for my children end of story!!!

Sorry to go on but I am just so frustrated I have not slept all night and have been worried about it all day and just want to know my kids are ok.