When to tell the children?

[Ryeford123]

Hi hoping someone can help? I split from my ex in 2016 because he got done with possessing child images, which I knew nothing about. The kids were 5 and 1 at the time. Unfortunately at the time my mental health went downhill rapidly due the whole situation of dealing with the fall out of the situation, him leaving the home, SS etc. Through this period any contact with the kids had to be supervised by me. Now my ex has unsupervised weekly contact with his kids and I'm in a much better place after taking up therapy which I'm still doing, were still separated as I don't want him back, my question is when is the right time to tell my oldest daughter about what happened? She's 11 now and has been asking questions as to why we aren't together anymore etc. And what do I tell her? I'm terrified her mates at school Google her name because it would all come up as it's still all online as it made the local papers, I realise it's something all kids do but I just find the whole situation very difficult to get the ball rolling on that conversation with her, I have little support network around me as I had to move to a different area after it happened. X

[cada1981]

I am so sorry you are going through this! Have you considered perhaps changing your childrens surnames ? I know you will need his permission however surely he will understand under the circumstances. I think if he refuses you could apply to the court as this is quite a good reason for them to have different surnames to their father? Just a suggestion for that part though.

In my own opinion I think you should definitely sit her down to talk about it. I suppose it depends on your childs maturity and how you think they will take it. However I feel you should be honest and tell her the truth in my opinion and explain though that he is still her dad however he made some bad mistakes. If it were me I would rather they found out via their mum than friends at school or local gossipers. Perhaps when your youngest is in bed and you have some one on one time. She might have a hard time understand and mixed emotions about it as of course she will love her dad. Reassure her it's not her fault in anyway and how you love her very much and encourage her to ask you any questions, even if it's in the future. Have you spoken to her school also? they could also offer you some help and support and especially for them to listen out for anything that might happen, is she at secondary school?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Ryeford123

Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie, I am an online adviser and will be responding to you today.

You separated from your ex-partner after he was arrested for possessing sexual images of children. Children’s services were involved. You were under considerable stress and your mental health suffered because of this. You sought therapy (something you still do), children’s services completed their safeguarding requirements and your mental health improved. For a period, you supervised contact between the children and their father. This has now moved to unsupervised. You are seeking advice on how to tell your eleven-year-old daughter about her father’s offences.

You do not say whether your ex-partner was placed on the Sex Offenders Register
or whether there is a in place Sexual Harm Prevention Order. I will assume the relevant organisations have been informed of the unsupervised contact between the children and their father and that the relevant risk assessments have been completed.

How to tell children that their father has been arrested or convicted of abuse of children is one of the most difficult issues that mothers (and other family members) face. There is no easy answer; how much and what you say will depend on individual circumstances and the age(and understanding) of the children. Here are some issues for parents to be aware of or consider:

• In the absence of explanations as to why significant changes have occurred in their family, children will try to make sense of it by guessing, ‘filling in the gaps’ and sometimes making wrong assumptions. For example, they may feel they are part of the problem and feel rejected by a father moved out of the family home.

• Children may still love their parent even though they have done something very wrong. Family members may well feel and respond differently and each person needs to be able to express their own views and have them acknowledged.
• Children will probably, at some stage, want to know WHY the person did what he did. It may help them to know that the adults are also struggling to make sense of this as it is usually very complicated. In some cases, their father may be getting some help to try and work this out.

• Children will have a range of feelings about their father’s offending: they will need time to process the information. They may feel extremely angry about the impact the offences have / will have on their own, and other’s lives; they may be worried about friends finding out; they may be anxious about their father’s future behaviour. Children may feel unable to express / discuss these feelings with their parents as they may worry about upsetting them further.

• One of the greatest difficulties for a parent is often facing up to the effects of their offending upon their own children. It is important to bear in mind, however, that the child is likely to find out at some point and it is better that they find out in a controlled way from a supportive adult than by other means – children can often be angry if they feel significant information has been withheld from them, if they feel they had a right to know about it. Timing is important.

• Too much detail can be very disturbing for children – keep the details to a minimum when young – but let the child know it is ok to ask questions, although you may not be able to answer them all.

It would be a good idea to first discuss and agree with your ex partner (if possible) what your child is going to be told. It is also useful to remember to:

• Give consistent messages
• Avoid anxiety e.g. control your own emotions.
• Have more than one discussion and let them know they can discuss things at any time and ask questions as they think of them
• Listen
• Evidence suggests that if children see their parent is coping, then they do too

The Stop it now campaign, run by the Lucy Faithful Foundation has useful information and guidance in respect of speaking to children about this subject. They also suggest different ways conversations might start and how to approach them. This link HERE
is to their website page and this is there contact support number should you wish to speak to someone. Confidential helpline: 0808 1000 900

In respect of cada 1981 suggestion that you could change your children’s surname to avoid people linking her to news items relating to your ex partner’s conviction, you would need to consider the wider implications of this. A change in surname is likely to result in questions from peers and it may impact on her sense of identity. It may not be the right thing to do now but a decision she chooses to make later in life. To note, if a change of surname is considered in most circumstances you would need to seek permission from her father (assuming he holds parental responsibility for her). I have added a link
HERE to further information and advice regarding this matter.

I hope you find this information helpful. To speak to an adviser, please call our free and confidential advice line 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday 9.30am to 3pm, excluding Bank Holidays). For Textphone dial 18001 followed by the advice line number. Or you can ask a question via email using our advice enquiry form, or post again on here. There is also a webchat service that you may wish to access. The webchat is not a bot, you will be answered by one of our advisers. Please refer to our website for further information.

Best wishes, Suzie.