Husband charged with voyeurism and under age

[Merlot]

I need some advice, 2 weeks ago my husband was caught taking a video of my grown daughter in the shower, she confronted him and rang the police, she is his step daughter since she was 2 years old. He was arrested and released. They took his devices and we thought that was it as bad as it was.
Since then, they have shown me images of my next door neighbours daughter topless from the hall window- she is just about turning 18 ! And seems he had a massive porn addiction which was unknown to me also.

I am dreading what they are going to find on his devices! And the issue I will have with my neighbour when it all comes out. He is not with me as you can imagine, that is all done. I'm off work with stress and have not been able to tell anyone of this because I feel so shameful!

He has said that the porn issue and odd voyeuristic impulse has been there before I came along 18 years ago, but I never knew a thing and he says it's like he has someone laughing at him in his ear, so there is something mentally wrong going on.

I am so worried about the impact this is going to have to me and my daughter with the community and we cannot afford to move let alone keep the bills going. I am going to have some counselling shortly. But I don't feel I can go outside and feel paranoid.

Any advice would be some comfort at a very hard time.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Merlot

Welcome to the parents’’ discussion forum and thank you for your post.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group and I will respond to your post.

I am sorry that you are going through what is a very difficult time for you and your family following your husband’s arrest for voyeurism and having images of an underage child. When this happens, it is a shock to the non-offending partner and may give rise to different emotions as those you are feeling now including shame.

Your husband’s behaviour is his own and whilst it is understandable that you are experiencing the feelings you are having discovered, what were to you, his secret tendencies, must be hard for you but not your fault. He is responsible for his actions.

Your neighbours depending on the kind of relationship you have with them, will also be surprised and shocked by his behaviour as well. They will feel protective to their daughter, but I do not think will blame you for his actions.

Speaking to professionals in this situation would be helpful for your to think through and talk about how you are feeling. The Lucy Faithfull Foundation provides expert advice to both perpetrators and family members where offences of a sexual nature are involved. It would be very helpful for you to speak with them. You can do so by telephoning 0808 100 0900.

You do not mention in your post whether there are any children under the age of 18 in your family. If there are, the likelihood is that children’s services (the new name for social services)may receive a referral from the police. A social worker would be in touch with you to discuss safeguarding of the children. As your husband is not in the home this would be considered safe.
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From what you say in your post about your husband’s explanation for his behaviour he needs to access the help he needs for his mental health and his behaviour. Lucy Faithfull referred to above would be able to advise him.

It may be that the police find more images on your husband’s devices so for you it is very important for you to get the help and support you need to navigate what is happening to you and your family now. It is a good idea for you to start counselling as this will give you the opportunity to talk about your feelings and how to manage them.

Other posters who have been in a similar situation may well give you the benefit of their experience and how they managed it.

Should you wish to speak with one of our experienced advisers, you can telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3.00pm Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays).

I hope this is helpful to you.

Best wishes

Suzie