Father seeking help with complications

[XDadStruggle]

In 21 I was convicted of facilitating the abuse of a child & engaging in sexual communication with a child. I was told I could avoid prison if I pleaded guilty; I pleaded not guilty, as it is something I do not think about nor ever have. No amount of time in prison is going to change that. I know I was trying to catch this ‘mother’ out. I remember being obsessed about trying to get a mobile number to report it to the police. 13 yrs computer history searched nothing found to corroborate these charges, no images, searches, videos of anything, no previous anything remotely criminal. The police left three lines off the transcript in their court submission, I remember thinking I had made this ‘mother’ realise the damage she was doing. The police did not submit an MLAT, had they done this they would have seen I reported this individual to the admin of the chatroom.
My children have lost their father, they were the reason I worked hard at my marriage. I have since learnt I may well have PTSD from age 5; learnt about this 6 months ago. After seeing my mother shake my brother until he stopped breathing. I then became my mother's carer for the next seven years until I was twelve, managing her drinking whilst my father was away. I functioned for 39 years without issue. I am also told I may have been gaslit. It is all alien to me.

I did not wash clothes, but everything else I did, including taking the children to school 60% of the time the other 40% split between my wife & mother-in-law.

Before prison, I had 50% care of the children with no issues, judge ruling. I now face the fact, whilst Social Services closed the file, my SHPO & license say I cannot stay overnight in a house with a female child under 16, both my daughters are in this category.
I have found a legal centre to help me regain contact with my children. Their mother makes phone calls almost impossible. At the time of writing, not spoken to my first girl for 3 weeks. My son was bullied & has not spoken to me since being convicted, my youngest stopped speaking to me about 8 mths. ago.

I have submitted a SAR to S.S, CAFCASS, & have the final court order following their surname being changed, as it was unique.

My son is 15, my first girl is 13 & my youngest is 10. The loss is devastating. I’m struggling to find purpose & at a loss for how I pick through this. I don't want to give up. I am still trying to understand what the hell happened & why I ended up where I did. All my hopes of family, dreams & the life I wanted for my children, are gone. I was a major part of their life & loved being a dad. Never again will I try & prevent something.

I am going to take on CAFCASS & SS by starting a C100 & initiating a MIAM. Not being part of their lives gives me little hope of continuing life as things are now. It has no meaning anymore. I am struggling to keep it together.
I have my parents' support they're not getting younger & will not be around forever. I have a few friends that know all this, my mindset with new people is damn any consequences when I tell them.

I would like guidance on expectations & what can & cannot be done. I am staying on UC at the minute while I sort out support for past unresolved trauma. I believe this means I can get a voucher for a MIAM & I am happy to represent myself in court if necessary. I welcome people's shared experiences & advice on where to turn are also welcome.

I decided to leave my then-wife before I was arrested, marriage was hard. Divorce not yet finalised & very contentious; Dec. on 15/08/24 for fin. settlement with the Co. as intervener, due to asset stripping & money still owed to an investor (my dad) to the tune of 90-115k. Two assets left; making the contact situation worse, so I see the court as the only solution. Much background to the marriage. Importantly no abuse of any kind against anyone. I do know my marriage feels made up for certain. I am not letting the conviction rest either, but one step at a time.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear XDadStruggle

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thank you for posting.

From your post you are distressed regarding the break down of your relationship with your children with whom you have had limited or no contact since your conviction in respect of sexual offences.

You have raised several issues relating to your criminal conviction which is outside the remit of our service. If you consider that your conviction was unsafe or a miscar-riage of justice then you should contact the relevant authority The Criminal Cases Review Commission who is better placed to deal with this aspect of your post.

It is good that you are addressing past trauma through counselling, and I do hope that this will help you going forward. Having an advocate to assist you will also help you to navigate all you are experiencing at present.

Regarding contact with your children and your wish to apply to the court, you can do this, and you are required to attempt mediation, but it is not mandatory for your es-tranged wife to engage in this process if she chooses not to. You are required to show that you tried at mediation.

Given the ages of your children their wishes and feelings about contact will be given due weight taking account of their age and understanding. I am not sure what you mean when you say you are taking on Cafcass and children’s services (the new name for social services). Once you make an application, a Cafcass officer will carry out initial enquiries and it may be that children’s services will prepare reports for the court as they would have had previous involvement with your family.

Legal aid should be available to you for mediation and if you are eligible then the one-off voucher payment for mediation is likely to be granted. The mediator will be able to give you more advice on this aspect.

It is difficult to advise you of what to expect as each case is different and decided on the basis circumstances and facts related to the case. Once you make your applica-tion, you will be contacted by Cafcass who will also contact your estranged wife to speak with her and the children. Cafcass will speak with the children’s school, chil-dren’s records considered and the police. An initial report for the first hearing, an at-tempt to consider reaching agreement. If not, the court will give directions, that is the evidence required which will include a report under s.7 of the Children Act 1989.

Our service advises where children’s services is directly involved with a family. I think it would be more helpful for you to contact Child Law Advice who advises persons without solicitors in respect of private family law matters including contact. Their telephone number is 0300 330 5480. You can also find helpful information on their website


Advice Now provides online information to persons who are self-representing. Their website is HERE. It is also possible to obtain practical help from Support through Court here is their national helpline telephone number 0300 081 0006.

I hope this information will be useful to you to apply for and hopefully gain contact with your children. This contact, if your application is successful may be supervised, and this is something you should bear in mind. I think it is unlikely the court will make an order that your 15-year-old have contact if he does not wish to. The court’s first consideration in reaching a decision will be the children’s welfare.

The arrangements for the children of the family is likely to be considered by the court when reaching its decision in respect of your divorce if you are not able to agree a settlement.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie