Child arrangements after separation.

[popsapha1]

Myself, my ex partner and our 8month old daughter had recently moved into a rented house. He has chosen to leave and move back into his parents house. Our daughter has lived in this house and she has stability, routine, consistency and her own bedroom. I have always been the consistent and main carer parent (he has never wanted equal parental responsibility before, but all of a sudden he wants to be a ‘hands on dad’). He is demanding that she now splits between her current home and his parents house to live equally every week. At his parents house there are already 4 adults and 1 teenager living in a 3 bedroom house. She would be staying next to my ex partner in a travel cot as she wouldn’t have her own room. He also has commitments to day work, night work, full time university and hobbies such as boxing. When we were together I would ask him for more of equal parenting when he wasn’t busy with work or uni but he was never interested and would rather go out with his friends or boxing. He is suddenly saying he will compromise and be flexible to have our child for half the week but I don’t believe he will. His parents are also pushing this agreement on me and I think they will be raising her when she is there (which they seem happy to do but me her mother would rather be doing it) I don’t think it’s in our child’s best interest to be ping ponging back and forth between homes at such a young age when she has everything she needs here. Since we’ve been split she’s been majority living at my house and stopping at his. He has contributed nothing financially to me since we have been split. He is very bitter and hostile towards me during handovers and on messages. Other than that he’s completely cut me off and so have his family. I’ve proposed that she stops overnight every Thursday and Friday day time at their house aswell as every other weekend, Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon. I’m in no way trying to limit his access to see her I just want her to continue in her stable home with her consistent mother. My only commitment is set day work on a Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and childcare has been arranged for those times. Ontop of her staying at his house I’ve tried to offer him to arrange visits to see our child in her home. I’ve said he can come and put her to bed or take her to the park whenever he wants as long as it’s by arrangement. I’d stay out of the way or go out of the house to avoid tension. He will not settle for anything other than 50/50 joint custody. He is threatening to take legal action saying that courts will always favour joint custody as long as her welfare needs are met at his house. She is safe and loved there but I don’t think it’s in her best interest to split between two homes. Especially when there is no space for her there. I’m also taking the view that she already had a family and home and he chose to leave that, so as the adult he should be fitting into her life and not disrupting it by making her readjust every few days. I have been with her almost every day and night since she’s been born and if we go 50/50 split I wouldn’t see her for 4+ days at a time. My ex partner has said himself he doesn’t do emotions or feel empathy and was emotionally abusive towards me during my pregnancy and postpartum. I believe she still needs to frequently be with me at this age for stability, consistency and I can be emotionally available. I’m worried that if it goes legal i will loose her 50% of the week and she will have no consistency being raised by him, his mum, his dad, his cousin and brother as they all live in the house. P.S he is refusing to move his belongings out of my house because there isn’t space for them at his parents, so how has he got space to raise a child?

Following on from this. I have offered my ex partner to see our daughter in her home, go out with her or take her back to his parents (as long as she can be returned by 7pm for bedtime routine). I have offered several times and he doesn’t ever want to see her unless she is stopping overnight at his parents house. I think this is a control thing from him (as in wanting to have control over the situation) rather than actually wanting to spend time with his child. I know if it was me not living with her I’d take any chance I can to spend quality time with her, no matter where or when.

If anyone can offer advice for what I can do next, or which way courts would be likely to take this please? I don’t want to stop or limit his access at all, I just want her to recognize one stable home and have some consistency. Thank you.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Popsapha1,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the Parents’ Forum.
My name is Suzie. I am an online adviser responding to your enquiry today.

When parents separate and disagree arrangements about where their child should live and who they should have contact with come under Child Arrangements Orders in private family law.

The issues you raise come under private family law and Family Rights Group are not a specialist agency on private family law matters.

I would suggest that you look at the relevant information about child arrangements orders and contact on the Child Law Advice website here.

A family court expects parents to try to resolve disagreement and make arrangements informally via mediation before bringing the matter to court. You can read details of how to begin a mediation process via the mediation information and assessment meeting here

You write that your partner was emotionally abusive to you during your pregnancy and postpartum. In some circumstances a parent who has experienced domestic abuse is not expected to complete mediation if it would expose them to further harm. You should also read the Child Law Advice page on eligibility for legal aid where there has been domestic abuse here.

Family Lives are an organisation that offers support and advice on all aspects of family life including separation and how to resolve disagreements about child arrangements in a child-centred way. You can link to their pages on co-parenting for separated parents here
I hope this information was useful to you.

There are many different ways to contact Family Rights Group if you seek further advice in the future:

• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• An advice enquiry form to submit an email enquiry
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.

Best wishes,
Suzie