Ex husband IIOC

[Confusedmam]

My husband was arrested for IIOC, he admitted guilt and is due to be sentenced in the next few weeks. I haven't seen him since the arrest, we are in the process of a divorce and he has had no contact with the children in any way.

My question is so far any contact with social services has resulted in a closed case because I have not allowed any contact.

If in the future we explored potential supervised contact what would the process with social services be? What would need to be done? Would it be a lot of work for me?

I would really appreciate a step by step outline of what the process is likely to look like?

Contact is a difficult one for me, it's not necessarily what I want to do but I feel for my children who do want that. But I don't know why I would need to be heavily assessed when I'm a good parent and I've done nothing wrong? I'm happy for it to be in a contact centre at his expense, but I have a disabled child who may not cope with that setting very well.
I don't want to end up overwhelmed with assessments etc. When it doesn't really benefit me all the admin will fall too me anyway, I'll have to ferry them all their for an hour wait around ferry them all back and then deal with the emotional fall or of this weird situation. It's not going to be any help to me, it's for his benefit.
His mother would be the only other person who could supervise but she is not suitable as she's emotionally manipulative and would lie to get her own way, I wouldn't trust her to follow the rules of supervision.

[RB2025]

Well, my sister has been through this and faced precisely the same questions when it all surfaced. The offence was also IIOC. Their youngest child was actually 18 last week when social services cannot legally prevent access unless they have specific reason but the last decade has been literally hell on earth. I couldn't possibly do justice to the prolonged turmoil here but yes the assessments, the accusations that you support your ex, the sneers from social workers who set out to make life as difficult as possible. In this case the court handed power to mum and said dad could have unsupervised access with her consent but SS simply told her if she did that watch out! The kids loved dad and he was good so she supported contact by My God has she been through the ringer. The SS bring everyone into the game, school obviously as well which makes life difficult. The kids were constantly interrogated about dad's activities and sitting on the bed telling a story was built up into a possible grooming situation. It turned out worse than the horrific publicity and reaction of neighbours.

edited by Suzie in line with rules of use

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

My husband was arrested for IIOC, he admitted guilt and is due to be sentenced in the next few weeks. I haven't seen him since the arrest, we are in the process of a divorce and he has had no contact with the children in any way.

My question is so far any contact with social services has resulted in a closed case because I have not allowed any contact.

If in the future we explored potential supervised contact what would the process with social services be? What would need to be done? Would it be a lot of work for me?

I would really appreciate a step by step outline of what the process is likely to look like?

Contact is a difficult one for me, it's not necessarily what I want to do but I feel for my children who do want that. But I don't know why I would need to be heavily assessed when I'm a good parent and I've done nothing wrong? I'm happy for it to be in a contact centre at his expense, but I have a disabled child who may not cope with that setting very well.
I don't want to end up overwhelmed with assessments etc. When it doesn't really benefit me all the admin will fall too me anyway, I'll have to ferry them all their for an hour wait around ferry them all back and then deal with the emotional fall or of this weird situation. It's not going to be any help to me, it's for his benefit.
His mother would be the only other person who could supervise but she is not suitable as she's emotionally manipulative and would lie to get her own way, I wouldn't trust her to follow the rules of supervision.

Dear ConfusedMam,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the parents’ forum. I am Suzie, an online adviser responding to your enquiry today.

I am sorry to hear about your difficult experience.

You explain that children’s services are not currently involved as you have had no contact with their father since his arrest for possession of indecent images of children and add that he has pleaded guilty and is due to be sentenced next week.

You are attuned to your children’s feelings so they are able to tell you that they want to have contact with their father. You are enquiring as to how supervised contact can be safely planned; what assessments would be involved and how could you receive support for yourself and the children with the practical and emotional challenges of the contact.

I appreciate that you are discouraged at the prospect of a lengthy process and question the fairness of scrutiny on you as a non-offending and caring parent. In seeking guidance about how to organise safe supervised contact you are further demonstrating that you can prioritise the wishes of your children as well as their wellbeing and safety and this is to your credit.

Local assessment practices and frameworks vary so you should contact children’s services for a response to your request for a ‘step by step outline’ of the assessment process for supervised contact.

Lucy Faithfull Foundation here offer support on these issues and would be able to discuss this with you or guide you to online resources. Stop it Now here is a specific part of their website with resources and helpline support for any family member affected by sexual offending and considering questions of risk and safety planning.

You could also ask for support in managing this supervised contact. You mention that one of your children is disabled and would find a contact venue difficult to manage, and each of your children could be emotionally affected by recent events and resuming contact with their father. You could request a child in need assessment to help them manage all of this. You can read more about child in need processes here.

You explain that though your ex-husband’s mother may offer to supervise you are not certain that she would be able to stay sufficiently focused on the needs of the children and their safety. It may be useful to explore whether there are any other family members or friends who could assist with supervision or travel and pick up. This could be explored via a family group conference – a meeting of people known to the family who could possibly offer help and talk through a support plan. Family group conferences are chaired by an independent professional. You can read more about family group conferences here.

I hope this information was useful to you. Please feel free to come back to us for further support.

There are many different ways to contact Family Rights Group.

• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
• A web enquiry form – to help you submit an email and receive a reply within five working days.

Best wishes,
Suzie