Forced to end relationship (Is there a loophole)

[Mumstheword]

Hi so I would like some advice please.

2 Years ago my husband was arrested for allegations of rape, We have followed all the rule set in place by the bail conditions and once he was released under investigation, social services got involved. We have followed everything the SS had asked, been kind and respectful and new we where heading towards family courts.

2 weeks prior to a finding of fact hearing, I was massively pressured to separate from my husband who I have been with for 15 years, and I want to get back with him but I have been threatened with losing my kids if I do.

I have read and seen that I must put the children before my relationship and I agree, however what I want to know is if there is a loop hole.

For example, if I continued my relationship with my husband but he lived elsewhere and we followed the rules in place from the child arrangment order, and we basically just did that where I would see him around work when the kids are at school, until they turn 18.

Would that work?
Would i have to tell SS?
What else do i need to be careful of?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mumstheword,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the Parents’ Forum. I am Suzie, an online adviser replying to your enquiry today.

You explain that your husband was arrested after an allegation of rape and bail conditions were imposed. Children’s services then became involved, and it seems that a safety plan for your child or children was put in place. You explain that you worked collaboratively with children’s services on this.

You write that you knew you ‘ were heading to the family courts’, but your post does not make it entirely clear which court process you refer to. This could be a private family court application such as a child arrangements order here or public family law such as care proceedings here.

You have agreed with children’s services about the importance of prioritising the safety of the children over your relationship with your husband but feel that your decision was due to the pressure brought to bear on you. You are asking if it is possible to continue the relationship with your husband and not let children’s services know. I appreciate that you are in a difficult position and must be experiencing conflicted and painful feelings, but I would advise against acting secretively.

Children’s services became involved due to their assessment that your children are or were at risk of significant harm. If you are wondering whether it is feasible to continue the relationship with your husband without there being an impact on the children – this is something need to discuss with the social worker so that they have a chance to consider how this affects the risk assessment and safety plan and express their professional view on this to you.

Children’s services have a statutory duty to protect your child or children. They believe they are able to work in partnership and are trusting you to impart all the relevant information. Family Rights Group have a guide to working with social workers here which could be useful for you to read as you reflect on your next steps.

You are understandably wondering if the adult relationship can be kept in a separate compartment from the rest of your family life and I cannot answer this question as I do not know the full picture. But it’s important to consider the dilemmas that could crop up; the possible impact on your children’s feelings of safety or the uncertainty and confusion this situation could cause them.

Lucy Faithfull Foundation support anyone with a concern about child sexual abuse and its prevention. They offer self-help resources, programmes and have a helpline. You can link to the website here.
I hope you find this information helpful. If you would like to talk to an adviser at Family Rights Group about your situation, please call the freephone advice line on 0808 801 0366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm. If you prefer, you can post back, use our advice enquiry form or webchat. Please refer to our website for further information.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[Chubby24]

Hi I've just had a finding of fact hearing and they have found that my husband is a sexual risk to children. I'm going to ask if we could complete courses to lower the risk and my husbands barister has said we could ask for it yet my barester said there is no future and that my daughter will be taken we've done everything and I'm scared

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Chubby 24

Thank you for your post and welcome to the discussion board. My name is Suzie, I am an online adviser and will be replying to you today.

You are in care proceeding, there has been a finding of fact which found your husband to be a sexual risk to children. You are seeking ways to reduce this risk, for example, to complete specific courses. You and your husband have received conflicting information from your legal representative. Your husband’s barrister said your husband could ask for this to be consider but your barrister has said that there is ‘no future’ and that your daughter will be taken into care. Understandably, this is distressing for you are you are ‘scared.’

I will assume you and your husband remain in a relationship and the plan is that you continue to do so.

Barristers act independently from each other in the best interest of their clients therefore legal advice is given individually and can differ. Barristers also act on their client’s behalf and take instruction from them, therefore if you wish to put the option of completing courses in an attempt to reduce risk to the court then you should inform your barristers of this. I have added a link
HERE to the Lucy Faithful Foundation which has further information and advice on courses for perpetrator and partners when sexual harm to children is a concern.

You say your barrister has said there is ‘no future’ and that your child will be taken into care. Whilst barristers should be open and transparent with you regarding their legal advice and professional opinion, it is ultimately the Judge who will make the final decision regarding the long-term care of your child. I suggest you ask your barrister and or solicitor to explain their thinking around this and what legal advice they can offer you to potentially change the situation.

It must be extremely distressing for you to hear the views of your barrister. I would urge you to seek support from your GP if you feel overwhelmed by your situation. There is also an organisation called Matchmothers
who offer emotional support for mothers who are no longer caring for their child. This is the support line number 0800 689 4104. Please do check out their website for opening hours and further support.

If you have not done so already, I suggest you work closely with your solicitor to identify any possible family members or close friends who could be assessed to care for your child, if it is decided you cannot. Children’s services have a duty to explore friends and family members before placing a child in unrelated foster care. Please see here for further information and advice.

Should your daughter not return to your care, and stay in long term foster care, you will still retain your parental responsibility, although this will be reduced. In this type of situation, children’s services have a duty to promote contact, if it is safe to do so and in the child’s best interest. Further, they have a duty to keep you informed and updated about your child’s care. I have added
HERE some further information and guidance which discusses this in fuller detail.

I hope you find this information helpful. If you would like to talk to an adviser at Family Rights Group about your situation, please call the freephone advice line on 0808 801 0366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm. If you prefer, you can post back, use our advice enquiry form or webchat. Please refer to our website for further information.

Best wishes, Suzie

[Chubby24]

Hi suzie my daughter is with my auntie now as I tried to commit suicide my husband is trying to get a psychological assesment to the judge but is going through the gp to see about a diagnosis of hdhd or autism to open up a path. I'm at home with my husband being taken care of social are going to pay for therapy do you know of thing that may help I've been shamed by my family saying I gave her up which I didn't. I tried to kill myself and that I'm fighting for us to be a family I feel so shamed. My mother told me I should be guilty and that she's never going to talk to me. My auntie has her and I'm given 3 contacts a week 2 hours each and updated on her everyday.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Chubby24

Thank you for your updating post. I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It has and continues to be a very difficult time for you. Your child is living with your Aunt, you are at home with your husband and are seeking support via your GP. You feel shamed by your child's removal from your care and this is made worse by your mother’s views about the situation. You are having contact with you child three times a week for two hours.

Please do link in with Matchmothers for emotional support. As previously stated, they provide support for mothers who are separated from their children. I have added the link
HERE
again. I have also added HERE a link to the Samaritans and this is their telephone number – 116 123. It is freephone number to landlines and mobile phones. They also have different ways you can contact them and you will find this information on their website.

There is also an organisation called PAUSE who support women when their children have been removed from their care. They do have a criteria to meet and whilst nationwide they do not operate a service in all areas, please do check out their website for further details. You may also be interested in the podcast they have created which discusses shame – feeling and being shamed when a child or children are removed from a mother's care. I have added the link HERE
.
I have further added HERE a link to our index of support organisations for birth mothers. It has a facility to put in your postcode to find support services in your area.

I hope you find this information helpful. If you would like to talk to an adviser at Family Rights Group about your situation, please call the freephone advice line on 0808 801 0366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm. If you prefer, you can post back, use our advice enquiry form or webchat. Please refer to our website for further information.

Best wishes, Suzie

[FeelingBroken]

Hi I've just had a finding of fact hearing and they have found that my husband is a sexual risk to children. I'm going to ask if we could complete courses to lower the risk and my husbands barister has said we could ask for it yet my barester said there is no future and that my daughter will be taken we've done everything and I'm scared

Can you private message me please