Seeking Advice and Support to Reconnect With My Daughters

[Pinky82]

I am a father who has sadly lost contact with my daughters. I know they still attend XXXX a school Academy in XXXX, but I no longer know where they are living. I had been sending letters and cards to their last known address and even visited in person this year, only to find they were no longer there. I live some distance away which makes travel around work both difficult and costly.
This has been the hardest time of my life. I am desperate to rebuild a relationship with them before any more time is lost.
The breakdown in our relationship began more than three years ago after a foolish argument. Since then, I have had no contact—something I deeply regret. At that time, I was under enormous mental and emotional strain: I had lost my business, was struggling financially, my marriage was under severe pressure, and I was even forced out of the family home for a period. On top of this, their mother was pressing hard for more financial support that I simply didn’t have. In that stress and frustration, I said things I should never have said. I now fully accept that I was in the wrong.
Sadly, the difficulties go back much further. When my daughters were younger, I went to court and obtained contact orders. However, their mother breached those orders multiple times—at least five before they even turned eleven. Although I returned to court each time, no real consequences followed, and the process always ended with contact being restarted but never protected. Over time, as the girls grew older and more distant, and as my own fear of rejection grew stronger, I stopped pursuing the court route. It felt stacked against me, and I eventually gave up on it.
Today, I am in an impossible position. I continue to pay child support on a very limited income, but I have no address for them, no phone number, and no way to even send a letter. The school cannot share information, which I understand, but it leaves me powerless. I have sometimes felt tempted to approach the school directly, but I know that would only backfire and harm any chance of reconciliation—the last thing I want.
So I am sharing my story here, in the hope that someone may be able to offer advice, guidance, or even knowledge of how I might reconnect with my daughters. More than anything, I want them to know that I love them, I have always wanted to be part of their lives, and I will never stop trying to rebuild the bridges that were broken.

[Winter25]

Hi Pinky82,

I've just read your story, and my heart goes out to you. The pain of being separated from your children is one of the hardest things any parent can endure, and your love for your daughters shines through every word you've written.

Please, first, give yourself credit. After years of being failed by the court system, it is completely understandable that you felt hopeless. More importantly, your decision not to approach the school directly shows incredible judgment. It proves that even in your desperation, your first thought is to protect your daughters from conflict. That is the act of a good father.

You feel powerless right now, but you are not. You have taken the first and most important step: you have accepted your part in the breakdown and you are ready to rebuild. That gives you a powerful foundation to start from. The past is the past; what matters is what you do now.

You can't force a relationship, but you absolutely can open the door in a formal, respectful, and legally correct way. Here is a calm, step-by-step plan to do just that.

Step 1: The Olive Branch (A Formal Letter)
Before any court action, you must show you have tried to resolve this amicably. You need to write a letter directly to the mother. This letter is not about blame or arguing about the past; it is a heartfelt, forward-looking olive branch.

How to send it: Since you don't have her address, you will need to send it via a solicitor. Contact a family law solicitor, explain the situation, and ask them to send this letter on your behalf to her last known solicitor. If that fails, they can make a formal request to the school to forward the letter, which is more likely to be accepted when it comes from a law firm.

What to write:

Start by taking responsibility. Acknowledge the argument and express your deep regret for the things you said and the pain it caused.

State your love for your daughters clearly and simply.

Explain that you are not trying to force anything, but that you would love the opportunity to start rebuilding a relationship, perhaps by simply being allowed to write them letters and send birthday cards to a correct address.

Suggest that you are willing to attend formal family mediation to discuss this respectfully.

Step 2: Mediation
If she responds to the letter (or even if she doesn't), the next step is to formally invite her to mediation. A family mediator is a neutral third party who can help you both discuss the situation. A solicitor can arrange this for you. This is a crucial step because a court will expect you to have tried mediation before you make an application.

Step 3: The Court Application (As a Last Resort)
If she refuses to reply, refuses mediation, or refuses any form of contact, your only remaining option is to apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order to re-establish contact.

This is not about "fighting" her. This is about formally asking the court for help. Your application would be incredibly strong because:

You are not asking for a fight; you are asking for the court to help you break a deadlock.

You have evidence (your solicitor's letter, the mediation invitation) that you have tried every possible peaceful option first.

You are not demanding 50/50 contact. You are showing you are child-focused by asking to start slowly, with letters and cards, and building up from there.

Your case is based on your daughters' fundamental human right (Article 8) to have a relationship with both of their parents.

It is a long and difficult road, but it is a path forward. Taking these formal, respectful steps is not an act of aggression; it is the act of a committed and loving father who is doing everything in his power to reconnect with his children. You can do this.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

I am a father who has sadly lost contact with my daughters. I know they still attend XXXX a school Academy in XXXX, but I no longer know where they are living. I had been sending letters and cards to their last known address and even visited in person this year, only to find they were no longer there. I live some distance away which makes travel around work both difficult and costly.
This has been the hardest time of my life. I am desperate to rebuild a relationship with them before any more time is lost.
The breakdown in our relationship began more than three years ago after a foolish argument. Since then, I have had no contact—something I deeply regret. At that time, I was under enormous mental and emotional strain: I had lost my business, was struggling financially, my marriage was under severe pressure, and I was even forced out of the family home for a period. On top of this, their mother was pressing hard for more financial support that I simply didn’t have. In that stress and frustration, I said things I should never have said. I now fully accept that I was in the wrong.
Sadly, the difficulties go back much further. When my daughters were younger, I went to court and obtained contact orders. However, their mother breached those orders multiple times—at least five before they even turned eleven. Although I returned to court each time, no real consequences followed, and the process always ended with contact being restarted but never protected. Over time, as the girls grew older and more distant, and as my own fear of rejection grew stronger, I stopped pursuing the court route. It felt stacked against me, and I eventually gave up on it.
Today, I am in an impossible position. I continue to pay child support on a very limited income, but I have no address for them, no phone number, and no way to even send a letter. The school cannot share information, which I understand, but it leaves me powerless. I have sometimes felt tempted to approach the school directly, but I know that would only backfire and harm any chance of reconciliation—the last thing I want.
So I am sharing my story here, in the hope that someone may be able to offer advice, guidance, or even knowledge of how I might reconnect with my daughters. More than anything, I want them to know that I love them, I have always wanted to be part of their lives, and I will never stop trying to rebuild the bridges that were broken.

Dear Pinky82,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the parents’ forum.

My name is Suzie, I am an online adviser for Family Rights Group and I will be responding to your post today.

I am sorry to hear that it has been so long since you saw your children and I hope that your future efforts to re-establish your connection as a parent are successful.

I see that you have much experience of private family law proceedings. Family Rights Group do not offer advice on private family law. However, you can revise your knowledge by reading information on the Child Law Advice website here.

You can read about family mediation here.

Child Law Advice’s page on child arrangements orders is here.
If there are ongoing proceedings for a child arrangements order for contact with the children the court has the power to issue an order for any person to disclose the whereabouts of a child if the child’s whereabouts are not known. The information on whereabouts will be disclosed only to the court.

You can read more about this on the Child Law Advice page on locating a child here.

Both Parents Matter could also be a helpful source of support for you at this time. They have a fact sheet ‘children and the law when parents have separated’ which details how to access and use mediation and navigating the family court process, if necessary. You can link to this here.
Both Parents Matter also have a helpline – the number is 0300 0300 363.

Your words about wanting your children to know that you love them and that you have never stopped thinking about ways to build bridges are very moving to read.

You could consider writing letters and cards for your children even during this time of unwanted distance. It can help a parent living apart from their children to mark special occasions such as birthdays as one of the ways to get through the inevitable pain these times bring. Also, children gain a lot of emotional comfort from knowing that they have always been kept in mind by a parent and cards, letters, journals or voice recordings made now could be a way of later sharing with them how alive they always are in your mind.

I hope this information was useful to you. You can post again here if you would like further advice or peer support from other forum users.

Other ways of contacting Family Rights Group are outlined below


• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
• Submitting an email enquiry via the advice enquiry form on the website to receive a response within 5 working days

Best wishes,
Suzie