Hi, just wondering if anybody had any advice regarding speaking to the designated school safeguarding lead please? How much to tell them? Is full disclosure re details of step-dad’s conviction necessary?
Social spoke to the school/s as part of their assessment (about 6 months ago), and the school/s confirmed no issues/concerns from their perspective, but I haven't actually spoken to the schools directly myself as yet, and I don’t actually know how much information school were told by social.
I am about to self-refer back to social so we can (hopefully!) formulate a plan to move forward as a family (they closed the case with a safety plan in place pending sentencing, so presuming there will be a reassessment done and risk assessments etc, now that sentencing is known), and ideally I wanted to have approached school myself directly before I go back to social - so I can say I’ve done this, and they see I’m being proactive and on the front foot. Obviously it is difficult to talk about this with anybody, and the last thing I want is this information getting out in school, for my children's sakes more than anything else. So just want to make sure I get it right with regards talking to the schools.
My children are 10 & 13 and whilst I have made them aware that their has been an issue regarding their step-dad (in relation to his mental health leading to addictions and inappropriate behaviour online), and I gave them the safe space and opportunity to let me know if they had any questions or had ever had any concerns etc (no concerns, the kids are happy and thriving). I didn't go in to any detail regarding the police involvement, socials involvement, or the nature of his online behaviour. So I’d be worried if I told school everything and they then proceeded to tell the kids, who aren’t fully aware of the ins and outs!
I do plan to talk to the kids again now sentencing is done (and we know he isn't going to prison, thankfully!), as I presume social will insist on me telling the kids. Ideally I want to speak to social again first before I tell the kids anymore, I’m hoping they may not force the issue about me telling them anymore than I already have, and will be satisfied with what I’ve told them (maybe wishful thinking).
Sorry, a bit waffle’y, but any advice welcomed. Thanks
Talking to school
-
Winter25
- Posts: 309
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2025 12:05 pm
Re: Talking to school
Hi RisePhoenix,
You are doing the right thing by putting yourself on the front foot. It shows professionals that you are managing the risk, rather than waiting for Probation to ring them.
However, because the conviction involves inappropriate online behaviour, you are walking back into a highly scrutinized process. So I will give you some very direct advice so you don't accidentally trip any of their "unprotective parent" alarms regarding what you tell the school and the children.
1. Talking to the School (What to say to the DSL)
You do not need to give the Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) the gory details of the conviction or the sentencing remarks. The school already knows the baseline because Social Services spoke to them 6 months ago.
Your goal here is simply to establish an open line of communication before Social Services do.
Call the school and ask for a brief chat with the DSL. Say something like this
"I wanted to proactively update you that the police investigation regarding my children's step-dad has now concluded with sentencing. As a result, I am voluntarily re-referring our family to Social Services so they can complete a new risk assessment to help us formulate a safe plan moving forward. I wanted to touch base with you first, so you are aware of the timeline, and to ask that you continue to monitor the children's wellbeing in school. Please let me know if you ever have any concerns."
Will the school tell the kids?
No. DSLs are highly trained professionals bound by strict confidentiality. The information will be locked on the children's safeguarding file (usually on a secure system like CPOMS). The DSL will absolutely not pull a 10 and 13-year-old into an office to discuss their step-dad's criminal record.
2.What Social Services will expect you to tell the kids
I need to be very candid with you about your hope that Social Services will let you stick to the current story you’ve told the kids (that this is just about "mental health" and vague "inappropriate behaviour online").
Yes, that is wishful thinking, and trying to hold onto that story will actively harm your assessment.
When an adult has a conviction for IIOC, Social Services operate on the principle that "secrets create risk." They will assess your protective capacity based on whether you are willing to be honest with your children about the actual nature of the risk.
Children aged 10 and 13 are considered old enough to understand an age-appropriate truth. If you tell the social worker, "I don't want to tell them any more than I already have," the social worker will write in their report that you are minimizing his behaviour, prioritizing his comfort over the children's right to safety, and colluding in a secret. You will fail the protective parenting assessment.
3. The Strategic Pivot for this (Use them as a resource)
Do not fight Social Services on telling the kids. Instead, use them to your advantage.
When you speak to Social Services, say this:
"I know the children are 10 and 13, and now that sentencing is complete, I know we need to have a more transparent, age-appropriate conversation with them about what their step-dad actually did. I want to get this right so I don't traumatise them. Can we work together on the exact phrasing I should use?"
By doing this, you are showing Social Services that you understand the risk, you are not hiding his crimes, and you are prioritizing the children's emotional safety. Social workers love a parent who asks for their professional guidance on difficult disclosures.
You are handling a nightmare situation with a lot of grace and forward-thinking so well done for that. I personally know how had this is as my partner is on the register. This is where I got all my knowledge from. Get the school conversation out of the way using that brief script, and then you can confidently self-refer to Social Services knowing you've ticked every box.
======
For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing safeguarding assessments.
You are doing the right thing by putting yourself on the front foot. It shows professionals that you are managing the risk, rather than waiting for Probation to ring them.
However, because the conviction involves inappropriate online behaviour, you are walking back into a highly scrutinized process. So I will give you some very direct advice so you don't accidentally trip any of their "unprotective parent" alarms regarding what you tell the school and the children.
1. Talking to the School (What to say to the DSL)
You do not need to give the Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) the gory details of the conviction or the sentencing remarks. The school already knows the baseline because Social Services spoke to them 6 months ago.
Your goal here is simply to establish an open line of communication before Social Services do.
Call the school and ask for a brief chat with the DSL. Say something like this
"I wanted to proactively update you that the police investigation regarding my children's step-dad has now concluded with sentencing. As a result, I am voluntarily re-referring our family to Social Services so they can complete a new risk assessment to help us formulate a safe plan moving forward. I wanted to touch base with you first, so you are aware of the timeline, and to ask that you continue to monitor the children's wellbeing in school. Please let me know if you ever have any concerns."
Will the school tell the kids?
No. DSLs are highly trained professionals bound by strict confidentiality. The information will be locked on the children's safeguarding file (usually on a secure system like CPOMS). The DSL will absolutely not pull a 10 and 13-year-old into an office to discuss their step-dad's criminal record.
2.What Social Services will expect you to tell the kids
I need to be very candid with you about your hope that Social Services will let you stick to the current story you’ve told the kids (that this is just about "mental health" and vague "inappropriate behaviour online").
Yes, that is wishful thinking, and trying to hold onto that story will actively harm your assessment.
When an adult has a conviction for IIOC, Social Services operate on the principle that "secrets create risk." They will assess your protective capacity based on whether you are willing to be honest with your children about the actual nature of the risk.
Children aged 10 and 13 are considered old enough to understand an age-appropriate truth. If you tell the social worker, "I don't want to tell them any more than I already have," the social worker will write in their report that you are minimizing his behaviour, prioritizing his comfort over the children's right to safety, and colluding in a secret. You will fail the protective parenting assessment.
3. The Strategic Pivot for this (Use them as a resource)
Do not fight Social Services on telling the kids. Instead, use them to your advantage.
When you speak to Social Services, say this:
"I know the children are 10 and 13, and now that sentencing is complete, I know we need to have a more transparent, age-appropriate conversation with them about what their step-dad actually did. I want to get this right so I don't traumatise them. Can we work together on the exact phrasing I should use?"
By doing this, you are showing Social Services that you understand the risk, you are not hiding his crimes, and you are prioritizing the children's emotional safety. Social workers love a parent who asks for their professional guidance on difficult disclosures.
You are handling a nightmare situation with a lot of grace and forward-thinking so well done for that. I personally know how had this is as my partner is on the register. This is where I got all my knowledge from. Get the school conversation out of the way using that brief script, and then you can confidently self-refer to Social Services knowing you've ticked every box.
======
For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing safeguarding assessments.
-
RisePhoenix
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2025 1:03 pm
Re: Talking to school
Thanks @Winter25, that is sound advice, and much appreciated.
-
Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4970
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:57 pm
Re: Talking to school
Dear RisePhoenixRisePhoenix wrote: Mon Mar 09, 2026 5:38 pm Hi, just wondering if anybody had any advice regarding speaking to the designated school safeguarding lead please? How much to tell them? Is full disclosure re details of step-dad’s conviction necessary?
Social spoke to the school/s as part of their assessment (about 6 months ago), and the school/s confirmed no issues/concerns from their perspective, but I haven't actually spoken to the schools directly myself as yet, and I don’t actually know how much information school were told by social.
I am about to self-refer back to social so we can (hopefully!) formulate a plan to move forward as a family (they closed the case with a safety plan in place pending sentencing, so presuming there will be a reassessment done and risk assessments etc, now that sentencing is known), and ideally I wanted to have approached school myself directly before I go back to social - so I can say I’ve done this, and they see I’m being proactive and on the front foot. Obviously it is difficult to talk about this with anybody, and the last thing I want is this information getting out in school, for my children's sakes more than anything else. So just want to make sure I get it right with regards talking to the schools.
My children are 10 & 13 and whilst I have made them aware that their has been an issue regarding their step-dad (in relation to his mental health leading to addictions and inappropriate behaviour online), and I gave them the safe space and opportunity to let me know if they had any questions or had ever had any concerns etc (no concerns, the kids are happy and thriving). I didn't go in to any detail regarding the police involvement, socials involvement, or the nature of his online behaviour. So I’d be worried if I told school everything and they then proceeded to tell the kids, who aren’t fully aware of the ins and outs!
I do plan to talk to the kids again now sentencing is done (and we know he isn't going to prison, thankfully!), as I presume social will insist on me telling the kids. Ideally I want to speak to social again first before I tell the kids anymore, I’m hoping they may not force the issue about me telling them anymore than I already have, and will be satisfied with what I’ve told them (maybe wishful thinking).
Sorry, a bit waffle’y, but any advice welcomed. Thanks
Suzie (FRG Adviser) here, thank you for your update and your specific question about sharing the information about your husband’s conviction with other professionals, namely your child’s school.
It is good that you are thinking about updating the school about the outcome of your husband’s trial as they are already aware of the details of his charge. You may find it helpful to look at information provided by The Lucy Faithfull Foundation, Stop it Now programme as they are very experienced in this area of advice giving and they have a discussion forum where you might find helpful tips.
Unlock the charity that offers advice relating to offenders has helpful webpages too, including how to talk to children and professionals.
You have said that you intend to self-refer to children’s services again and you believe they may decide to meet with you again to discuss safeguarding, assessments and safety plans. Lucy Faithfull has a – draft plan which may be helpful to you when discussing or putting forward your own ideas for a safety plan with children’s services. There is also a useful video on their website about safety plans.
Hope this is helpful to you
Best wishes
Suzie
Family Rights Group Adviser
Who is online
In total there are 5 users online :: 3 registered, 0 hidden and 2 guests (based on users active over the past 5 minutes)
Most users ever online was 109 on Mon Apr 20, 2026 8:39 pm