CIN to CP?

[MamaDuck3]

Hello,

This is going to be a lengthy one unfortunately so apologies but please bear with me as I feel the history of the whole situation is relevant.

I met my current "partner" (very loose term as we haven't seen each other for 8 months now because of the below circumstances) in early 2023, just a few months after he was convicted of possessing indecent images of children. He had a 10 month sentence suspended for 2 years which has now passed with no issues and was also put on the SO register for 10 years (so elapsing in 2032.) He didn't tell me about the conviction straight away but he did tell me before we entered into a proper relationship (around 2-3 months of knowing each other.)

My partner has a young daughter from his previous relationship, whom was born in 2022 - the year the investigation was taking place. Children's services were involved with him and his ex-partner during the pregnancy but ultimately deemed him low risk of reoffending and contact offending so the case was closed after she was born.

My partner had regular, weekly contact with his daughter which was initially (for about a year) supervised by his parents or friends of his ex - he picked her up every Friday evening/Saturday morning, stayed overnight at his parents' house with her and then dropped her back on the Sunday evening.
His ex-partner was happy with this arrangement, remained good friends with him and they had a mutual agreement that he would send pictures and videos of things him and his daughter had done together, regularly throughout the day.
His ex-partner wasn't at all concerned with the contact that my partner had with their daughter and voiced this with me on the phone a couple of times. She was happy for me (essentially a stranger!) to supervise & also for a friend of her's who has learning difficulties and who regularly left them unsupervised without even realising, so I gauged that she didn't have any/many concerns.
After around a year, contact moved from supervised to unsupervised (days only - nights were still in the house of others) which was mutually agreed with his ex-partner as again, she had no concerns.
They always had lovely days out together and a lovely father-daughter bond, but one day around November last year, totally unexpectedly, my partner got a call from his daughter's mum telling him that his daughter had just made an allegation that he had touched her privates
The allegation was "daddy put special cream on me" - which he did have to do as she was attending contact with him with sore privates & bottom which is witnessed by his mum.
Apparently she also "freaked out" when her mum tried to put cream on her and this is what raised the concern.
As a very serious allegation was made, obviously my partner's ex had to report it to the police and my partner was happy with that because he "knew (he'd) done nothing wrong so nothing will come of it." And around December last year, Children's Services were made aware of the allegation and had to open an assessment for my family as well as my partner's daughter, which we were obviously expecting.
Very quickly police dropped their case with 'no further action as his daughter had not repeated the allegation to professionals' and then a few months later, partner's ex had contacted CS again to say her daughter had repeated the allegation so CS had to visit again, during which the Social Worker put the words in his daughter's mouth, which she actually disputed by shouting "no!" at the social worker! But despite this, at a later date his daughter apparently relayed the allegation to a family friend which instigated the social workers questioning her again, which resulted in her confirming this again which had to be referred to the police. From here the police again NFA'd the case due to the lack of evidence/repeating the allegation to them and they "didn't want to upset her further" by asking further questions.
This is all very frustrating from mine and partners POV because if CS or the police had interviewed his daughter/done ed. psych evaluations, etc initially and officially rather than waiting months, they would have had a more accurate representation of what happened/if it happened and then at least social workers would be making decisions based on facts rather than 'what ifs' and erring on the balance of probability based on his previous conviction. Is there anything my partner can request to be done next, either by the police or maybe an external agency, to try and gain some further understanding of his daughter's thoughts and try to rule out whether she is being coaxed to say untrue things?
From his daughter's social work assessment, the conclusion is that the mother (his ex-partner) is protecting his daughter by ceasing all contact so they have no reason to investigate further, as there is no risk. And my partner would undoubtedly lose a fight in court to see her again with this current allegation, along with his previous conviction, so he has resigned himself to not seeing her again until she is older.
However from my family's perspective, because our aim would be to continue a relationship and therefore he would have contact with my children, my social worker is concerned about the potential risk to them.
I must note that when we first started dating, I sought advice and support from Children's Services before we even moved into a relationship involving the children and I was willing to walk away from the relationship if they deemed it too risky, however during this initial social work assessment, they found me to be capable of acting protectively and eliminating risk. Advice was given that my partner was to never be left unsupervised with my children and so I took it upon myself to buy more indoor video cameras so that when I absolutely do have to leave the room, (For example: to use the toilet, or to help one of the children in the bathroom/put them to bed) I can still monitor my partner and the other children via my phone. This is how I have managed our entire relationship for the last 3 years and have had no problems with it, but this doesn't seem to be enough in my social worker's eyes. How can I make it any more impossible than that?
*Continued*

[MamaDuck3]

*Continued*

We have had 3 CIN meetings now and each one, no one has any concerns (schools, SW, myself and my children's father) so SW has been looking to close the assessment. But at a recent one-to-one meeting, my SW has suddenly changed the goal posts entirely and is now stipulating that my 3 children (2 of which are under 8) need to be told about my partner's previous conviction in an age-appropriate way.
She has known that I wish to keep this part of our lives hidden since the beginning and I can't help but feel she is taking advantage of my honesty & transparency I have given her throughout this process. I was told 3 years ago and recently by another current SWer that it is understandable that I wish to keep this part of our lives private and although I can understand how this could reduce the risk of abuse if it was at all possible, but because of my CCTV set-up, the risk is impossible already (I am always watching and always in the home with him - I would never leave the children with him.) So all I can see is the detrimental effects that disclosing this information to my young children would have - i.e. alienation from family & friends if the children share the information and the receivers are unsupportive, potential bullying & targeting our family, negative impact on the father-figure-relationship between my partner and my children, etc. I feel I can continue to teach them about body safety & 'bad people' without directly pointing the finger directly at my partner.

SWer has told me that even if I accept the recommendation and disclose my partner's previous conviction to my children, if I still pursue the relationship with my partner, they "will need to consider if a Child Protection conference would be necessary to further ensure the children's safety and explore any other support that we could offer." Can they legally do this, with no confirmation that he has done anything wrong, and with all the protections we already have in place?
They have also stipulated that even if we want to stay friends & talk to each other via text/phone call (no physical contact at all) then I still need to disclose the conviction to my children. It makes no sense!
Especially as a few weeks ago she said she was happy for me to go out with him one weekend as long as the children were not involved! (We didn't end up going.)


I've been stewing over what to do for the past week or so and it is taking over my life at the moment. On one hand, I feel that I have met my soulmate and I don't want to give up the rare connection we have, and on the other I am so disappointed at myself for even allowing it to get this far with the involvement of Children's Services which I have never needed in the 16 years of being a mum.

Again, apologies for the lengthy post but thank you so much for reading if you managed to get this far.

[VD2ER]

To me this is sounding alarm bells. The idea of a 4 year old is "freaked out" when a cream is applied to a child in their private area suggests history with a loss of innocence. I would expect a child of 4 to be ignorant though I might have encouraged my daughter to self administer cream to her genitalia if it was required.

Who gave him the cream and told him to apply the cream?

Your partner's mother description of the child's demeanour is critical, did his daughter show signs of distress at the time?

Moving from CiN to CP might be arse covering. Do your children feel safe with your partner? Do they enjoy time with him? Have your children been interviewed? If they are interviewed, insist someone they trust like a teacher is present and make that a condition of their interview.

I think it might be wise to gain some knowledge to understand what sharing this conviction in an age appropriate way can be, where the concept and explanation of sexual acts under the age of 8 might be wholly inappropriate.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear MamaDuck3

Welcome to Family Rights Group parents’ discussion forum and thank you for posting.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group and will respond to your post.

You have given a very lengthy background regarding your partner’s history and children’s services involvement with his previous partner and their child and your own children. Your partner has a conviction for downloading indecent images of children. Whilst he was being investigated for this offence, his then partner was pregnant and children’s services became involved. From what you say, as part of their involvement he was risk-assessed and the outcome was that he was low risk of reoffending or a contact offence. Was the risk assessment done by someone with expertise relating to your partner’s offence? In any event, children’s services closed their case and contact between your partner and his daughter continued subsequently moving from supervised to unsupervised contact. How did the arrangements for contact come about was this just the mother deciding contact should be supervised and then move to unsupervised?

It appears that following an unsupervised visit, his daughter told her mother of her father touching her ‘privates’. This was investigated by the police and children’s services. The police decided to take no further action. As your partner was involved with your children, children’s services had to look at your family too and it appears that the result from their investigations led to a child in need plan. You have put in safety measures including CCTV in your home and believe that this provides adequate safeguarding for your children. It has been the way your relationship and his interaction with your children have been monitored over the last 3 years.

Initially, it seems that children’s services were of the view that your partner was low risk when assessed back in 2022/23, but the situation has significantly changed in their view because of the disclosure made by his daughter. Both you and your partner are concerned that his daughter was not properly questioned at the time because she is said to have repeated the same thing to a social worker and family friend. As a 4-year-old it may take time for her to repeat things and children sometimes remember and say things out of time.

The fact that you suggest she may have been coached or social worker put words in her mouth may suggest to the social worker that you are minimising what happened or seeking to justify your partner’s alleged behaviour. As well as wanting to keep his conviction secret from your own children may give rise to them looking again at your ability to protect your children.

Children’s services will always want children to be informed in an age-appropriate way about situation like this as it will help the child to understand what is safe for them. I see you are happy to work with your children on this “. I feel I can continue to teach them about body safety & 'bad people' but they would be living in a situation that is not real for them and the person they know.

Children’s services cannot tell you who to have a relationship with but can say the children should not be involved with a particular person if they have safeguarding concerns. You could continue with your relationship, but I understand you would want the family situation. Would children’s services be willing to do a safety plan relating to your partner being around the children or a risk assessment.

I suggest you contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation 0808 100 0900 as a non-offending partner so you can get support and advice about protecting your children. Perhaps if you can work with them this might help children’s services understand that you are proactively doing work to ensure your children’s safety.

As the social worker is suggesting escalating the case, I suggest you ask the social worker to put in writing for you the concerns she has about the children’s safety taking account of what you already have in place in the house. To explain the future significant harm for your children since they have not suffered harm and how the threshold is met for child protection. Here is information from our website about child protection and when sexual abuse is a concern for children’s services.

Should you wish, you can speak with one of our experienced advisers by telephoning our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3.00pm Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays)

Hope you will find this information useful.

Best wishes


Suzie