Any advice would be appreciated

[PeterG]

I'm not sure where to begin so I'll start from the beginning.

Social services became involved in our lives through my partners little one around February last year. They became involved due to a disagreement during a home visit made by the school. To further elaborate on that, he had become ill and so my partner and I decided to keep him at home so that we could keep an eye on him and to make sure he was ok. My partner called the school first thing to let them know that he was unwell and they left her with the impression that it was ok and that we should bring him in when he's feeling better.

Not long after that, at around 10:30, we received a phone call letting us know that both the little man's teacher and the deputy head were on their way to check on him. We presumed that this was normal practice incase of truancy. Five minutes later we received another phone call from the school informing us that they were coming to pick him up and take him to school, naturally we were in disagreement with the decision especially when they hadn't even seen him yet.

When they arrived at the door I wasn't sure what they wanted due to the fact that we received two phone calls stating different things so I asked what the purpose of their visit was and their response was the latter, that they were here to take him to school. I explained that he was unwell and proceeded to tell them his symptoms and asked why they felt it appropriate to take a sick child into school without even seeing him first. The deputy head took my being protective and questioning their decision as aggression and told me that I'm not to go onto school grounds which I didn't understand but accepted as I had no interest in causing further issues.

Not long after that the police arrived and began to question my partner and her little man asking if I had hurt them and even went as far as checking the little one for marks. Of course they found no marks as I have not and nor would I ever allow anyone to harm them. After all of that the police left and told us to send him into school when he was feeling better, they had no issue with my behaviour.

A few days later a social worker got in touch saying that the school had expressed concerns over his well-being and that they wanted to come to the house. We didn't understand why it was needed when we had already been through the ordeal of dealing with the police over the matter but we decided that it would be best to meet her to show that we have nothing to hide.

After meeting her less then a handful of times she wrote a report stating that she believes further assessment is necessary as she feels that I maybe controlling my partner. Not long after a group meeting of sorts was held the people who attended were myself, my partner, the deputy head of the school, the school nurse, the social worker and someone who chaired the meeting.

The ultimate outcome of the meeting was that a child protection plan was drawn up under the reasoning of neglect and emotional abuse due to a lack of understanding of a child's emotional needs.

The basis of all of this is due to the previous issue with the deputy head and the school teacher as well as, from what they say, the little man's "abnormal" behaviour in school and now they also say that he is performing below the national average. With this newest addition to what they are saying they ignore the fact that he was in the nurture class for almost 3 years. The nurture class is a class for those with learning difficulties. After almost 3 years they stopped the nurture class and he was suddenly pushed into a regular classroom where they are less able to help those with learning difficulties and since the supposed "abnormal behavior" has worsened.

From the start they always insisted that no one is to blame and they are just trying to help. Despite saying this they make blunt remarks as to who they believe to be responsible for what they consider to be "abnormal" behavior. To quote the social worker "we are only involved due to the impact that you (meaning me) have had on his behaviour". To clarify, the accusation being that me having clinical depression and anxiety has affected him in a more then negative way.

What I consider to be the flaw with their way of thinking is that I had little to no involvement in his life until he had been in the nurture class for almost 8 months. I have told them that I will leave the household if they believe it will benefit my partner and her son but each time I'm met with the same response "we don't want to split the family up, we're not blaming anyone" and yet at other times they make it clear that they believe I'm to blame.

Since then we have spent months upon months having weekly appointments to do a parenting course with a social worker. The reasoning behind it being that, at least on my part, i have no experience bringing up a child of my own and my upbringing was less then ideal.

I've been honest with them about my depression and anxiety as well as my upbringing. My parents were violent and thought that is how a child should be raised, I whole heartedly disagree and believe no child should be brought up the way I was. I explained this to the social worker and she said she understands but that's not always the case, often people raise the children whom they are responsible for in the same way they were raised.

When further pressed on the matter they say they have no issue with my upbringing and yet when I couldn't attend an appointment due to seeing the doctor when the topic was raised they remarked to my partner "tell xxxx that we're not just sitting waiting for him to slip up". What bothers me about that issue is that if they don't judge me as a parental figure based on my upbringing, why do they feel the need to raise the topic and how else can they come to the conclusion that I'm any less able then any other (I'm unsure how else to describe it) first time parent?

I know that's a lot to read and maybe hard to comment on but any advice from someone with more of an insight on how social workers view things would be greatly appreciated as I don't know what I'm supposed to do here.

[charmed1]

Dear PeterG Can I just begin by saying how upsetting it is to read yet another family being put through hell like we are. Our daughter is in a special needs unit for learning disability, global development delay, etc. The school have been useless and made no attempt to support my numerous requests for help with behaviour. As you we were blamed for this and preventing her from reaching her milestones. To cut along story short (I have posted our story on here if you would like to get more insight) our kids are in foster care and we now have to wait until the end of June to see if they can satisfy the open adoption criteria set down by the judge in December last year. They will try and turn you against your partner and vice versa. They will imply that you are the cause of your child's difficulties. To the extent that it was said in court that special needs children are the result of bad parenting!
Neither myself or my husband had the perfect upbringing. Like you I too had to suffer seeing dv between my parents. I was a witness more than a victim but do empathise completely. I was labelled a victim and my husband an angry man by their psychologist and told two years therapy minimum. We were both "damaged people". Written off completely. We are both in therapy at great cost but worth it to get our kids home.
If they cannot find adopters in the six months they've been given our son 4.5 years and daughter 6 years will go into long term foster care. The social worker is cold and determined we will never parent them again. These people read from the same script and actually believe they can save the world. Don't let them bully you and stay strong for the little one.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear PeterG,

Welcome to the parents forum! I am sorry to hear about your familes current difficulties.

You seem unclear as to why your partner’s son is on a child protection plan. You mention that the social worker is worried that your anxiety and depression might be affecting the child. You also say that she keeps mentioning your upbringing.

I suggest the following:
1)I think it would help if you ask her to put in writing to you what her worries are. Also ask her what do you need to do for the child’s name to come off the child protection plan.

2)Or you could have a look at a copy of the minutes of the child protection conference? This tells you what the concerns might be.
3)Is the child protection plan clear? If children services are worried that your health is impacting on the child, they usually suggest that you seek treatment via your GP or community mental health team. Is there something in the plan about this? If not, you could discuss with your GP or local mental health team the type of support that you might be able to get to help you deal with the trauma you suffered as a child.
4)Your local authority will have child protection procedures on their website. Many have a section about the possible effects of parental mental health on children. If so, you can look at this, it might help you understand any concerns the social worker has.
5)Do you think you would benefit from an advocate? You could ask the social worker if there are any advocacy services in your area. Organisations such as Mind provide advocacy support in some areas.
Have a look at our advice sheet about child protection.

You say you are “less able” than other parents. However, this is not what the social worker will be thinking.
The assessment.process looks at the child’s needs and the parent’s ability to meet those needs. It looks to see whether there is anything (such as a health condition) that might affect a parent. If this is the case-then extra support should be given.
If a child has special needs, then it is quite usual for the parent to get extra support as well to help them meet those extra needs such as parenting classes.

I hope this helps but please post if you have any questions.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[PeterG]

Thank you both for the advice

In regards to my depression and anxiety, several years ago, I spent approximately 10 weeks in hospital where the hospital staff helped me through the worst point of my depression. I continue to take my medication and learn new ways of how to keep my anxiety under control. Music works a treat If I'm feeling overly anxious

After reading through the documents provided by the social worker it states that my current health needs are being met by my GP.

Other then the odd comment about how my depression and anxiety may affect the little one's behaviour in school the only thing they seem to question me on is how often I go out. I admit that I have become something of a home body but I have started to venture out more. Trips to the cinema as well as general shopping, I've also began to rebuild my relationship with my younger sister and nephew based on the social workers advice.

After speaking with his teacher, with the family worker (she's the one who does the parenting classes with us) present it appears that he has difficulty working alone and when he doesn't have adult supervision while doing his school work his attention quickly turns to something else and his school work suffers.

The school have began making requests for the little ones property to be brought into school in an attempt to encourage him to behave more appropriately. The first request was a game, me and my partner agreed that we would bring it in to at least see if it helped them manage his behaviour. It didn't work as they thought it would (no change in his behaviour) and since they have began requesting more. After they took the game we sought both the lead social worker and family workers advice on the subject and they both completely disagree with the school. They say that it's neither mine nor my partners responsibility to punish him for his behaviour in school and that they certainly cant make demands requesting personal possessions from home. When my partner told his teacher that nothing further will be given to the school she went down the route of issuing what we took as childish threats of "well I'll have no choice but to call and tell the social worker the your not co-operating".

On that, should me and my partner listen to social worker's (whom we agree with on the topic) or should we do as the school ask?

The impression that I've had so far of what social services want is they want to ultimately, to see his behaviour change and we are doing the parenting sessions to help make this happen. The family worker is also currently doing work with the little one in regards to his emotions, this was based on my suggestion as I had noticed that he can become upset and frustrated without anything of note happening and he struggles to explain what is upsetting him and how he feels. After two sessions with him the family worker said that he could most definitely benefit from further sessions.

[charmed1]

Have they convened a core group yet? It would involve yourself and your partner, health such as GP or school nurse, your child's teacher, social worker. Anyone that is involved with him. We found them very frustrating because a lot of their "concerns" were only told to us at these meetings. The professionals were like sheep following the lead and not working independently. There were disagreements between them only adding to our frustrations. Goal posts keep moving. Our daughter's teacher is at odds with the LA and foster carer at the moment about what her needs are as the social worker has blamed us for her delay though it is clear that this little girl will need lifelong support. Everyone needs to be on the same page and not pulling rank as they seem to be. You as parents need to know what you need to do. For us it changed all the time.