Feeling heartbroken , angry , scared & confused

[Nannynoo]

My daughter has been having some ongoing problems , she has a child with special needs and is a single Mum and often finds things stressful as we have not sorted out enough of a support network for her as yet

The only person who babysits and has my Grandson overnight is me

She even babysits for her friends kids sometimes but no one , not even family members , ever babysit for her even though my Grandson is not demanding , he just has his own unique needs , bless him , and is easy to look after once you understand him

It does become draining however looking after him long term as he does require 100% interaction and attention at all times and you do go to bed every night thoroughly exhausted - And I'm the one who can give him back!

We experienced 2 bereavements in the space of a week back in March and my daughter was devastated and used drink as a comfort - Of course social services weren't pleased as they were already involved with us mainly with concerns around her drinking which she does as a reaction to stress as a coping mechanism but it wasn't happening often thankfully

Then other problems set in regarding a girl who lives very locally to my daughter who is bullying my daughter and threatening her in the street in front of my Grandson who she knows has special needs , she has already attacked and beaten up my daughter a year ago and she had not let it drop , she was still on a vendetta and constantly looking for someone to vent her aggression on

This caused my daughter to relapse badly as a friend of this girl was also shouting at my daughter in the street and intimidating her , my daughter started getting depressed , not going out of the house at all unless I went with her and she was drinking heavily

On the child in need plan which my Grandson is on it stated if she relapsed I had to be with her so I could care for my Grandson which I did

I was caring for my daughter and Grandson pretty much full on since March without much of a break and I only went home a few times for a few nights but thankfully had one week holiday away to recharge but back to all the trouble with this girl which happened when I was away

The recent drinking bouts were becoming more regular and more serious , she was going to her support groups but it does not seem like 'enough'

I feel she needs intensive treatment to be able to fully come of the drink and everyone including social services though the support groups were enough but I did have my worries

My daughter started lying to my face and hiding drink and like I said this escalated quickly as in more concentrated regular relapses recently in a short space of time and I was looking after both my Grandson and daughter 24/7 and my daughter was actually the difficult one to look after!

I got to the point where I had had enough of the lying and pressure etc and on Monday just gone I decided I could not support her behaviour any more and I walked out...

A few hours later once I was home my daughter texted me and said she was going to kill herself - I immediately rang 999 and they sent an ambulance round but the police had to force entry , she said she did not want to go to hospital but they insisted

She spent the night in hospital and they asked me to travel back up ( I live far from my daughter but am moving soon ) at 1am in the morning to pick up my Grandson and it sounds bad but I refused as I was exhausted and had reached the end of my rope after looking after my Grandson and daughter on my own with no support for the last 5 months solid - It's always me who picks up the slack , it's always me who steps in and looks after everyone - I have no life of my own which I don't mind if it is to temporarily take care of my Grandson with support but I don't get any support and very rare respite when I come home for a few days at the most

I need some respite now so my Grandson is in a respite centre and my daughter is going to have supervised visits for now

I am missing my Grandson terribly though - I have been looking for info on the respite centre but there is no website , hardly any info on the net and I can't seem to find it on Google street view - I just wanted to see where he was , see if it had a garden as he would love that but I am worried about him and how suddenly he was taken away but am still exhausted and not sleeping at the moment although I know I must rest and get back on my feet so that I can have my Grandson at mine and care for him here

My heart is aching , physically even , as we have never been separated from him - Either my daughter looked after him , or I looked after him , or we both looked after him and he has never been away from us

One thing this has taught me is we both need respite as all the strain being on me if my daughter is in difficulty gets too much and I get beyond drained but carry on and then I do need some sort of me time to relax and recharge but I was not getting that at all recently , it was full on care

Social services are now saying they are not sure if I can have him because they do not know if I will cope , but I can cope with looking after him , not both of them , and my daughter needs professional help which I can't give her

I cannot witness my daughters drinking any more and I don't want my Grandson to either

I fluctuate in being angry with my daughter and angry with social services as it feels they have 'taken' him from us , even though logically it makes sense

I am in deep pain right now and really hurting I just want to rest up and get ready to have him at mine when he breaks up for the school holidays which I intended to do anyway

I am going to speak to the social worker tomorrow and they are coming to inspect my property on Tuesday which is a good sign

I am going to ring the respite home tomorrow and ask if possible to speak to my Grandson , even though he has not got full speech due to his Autism he chats away to me in the words he does have like ''Nannys house'' and ''next week'' as he always loves coming to my house so much so that he refuses to leave and go anywhere and I can't even convince him to come out and go to Macdonalds which usually he would do like a shot! lol

Thank you for this support forum , this whole process is bewildering and confusing and I feel a bit left in the dark at the moment as social services seem unclear as to what they are going to do and I need to know what they are going to do in order to put my mind at ease

My daughter is finding it hard being away from him too but she is not drinking and is going to see her support worker on Monday and I hope she gets the level of help she needs to hit the drinking on the head for good once and for all as I cannot take the worry and stress around possibly losing my Grandson as that would well and truly destroy me and my whole family , let alone him and he does need to be with us when his Mum is sober as she is a good Mum when she is sober but we need to get extra support services in place so that when she is left on her own she doesn't go down that path

[Nannynoo]

P.S I still feel a bit all over the place and need advice

When the drinking got bad recently I tried to cover it up because I was scared

But then the **** hit the fan anyway and they are wondering why I did not tell them how bad it was - I did 'cover up' for my daughter somewhat , but not completely but feel it is time to be totally honest with social services now in case it backfire and bites me in the bum later on! Also I DO want to safeguard my Grandson!!

Covering up for my daughter does not help my Grandson OR my daughter , but I still have issues with trusting social services and am worried about the amount of info I have disclosed to them already , but then if it comes out later on I will get ''why didn't you tell us?'' so I was honest with them and told them that it was because I was scared and it seems they understood

I don't want alcohol around my Grandson and I suppose if it meant 'grassing' my daughter up in the future I would have to do it even though it is difficult I have to start thinking about my Grandsons best interests as he is not the adult or the one with the problem - I hope she gets herself sorted out fully as it worries me and I think I did no one any favours by trying to cover up for her

[ange301126]

Dear Nannynoo, You have come to the right place for support.The FRG are here to help and will offer you guidance.Please note that there is another forum which is specifically for nannies,grandpas and carers which may be more helpful to you than this one which would be for your daughter.

Right now,as a parent involved with the CS myself ,I recommend that you continue to cooperate fully with the department who are there to support the boy in order that he can remain with his natural family.

You are absolutely correct.All the experts say periodic respite is essential when a child is ASD.It looks like the lack of it has led to these problems.

Please keep a record of all your dealings with the CS and ask them to put significant requests and recommendations in writing.Be careful what you sign and get yourself an advocate.The CS will give you details of services available.

Suzie, the professional will come online shortly to advise you.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Nannynoo

My name is Suzie and I am FRG's online adviser.

As Ange has said, you will probably get more relevant peer support and advice from our discussion forum for family and friends carers, which you can find here.

In the meantime, we have a number of advice sheets for family and friends carers. You are also welcome to call our free and confidential advice line (0808 801 0366- Mon- Fri, 9.30am- 3pm) if you would like to speak to an adviser directly.

I hope this helps.

Take care and best wishes

Suzie
FRG Adviser