Bit of a muddled post - core assessment

[Har1Her1]

Hi,

I have posted here once before and received some helpful advice. Currently we are undergoing a Core Assessment because my son is an inpatient in a CAMHS unit and issues have been raised about why he does not seem to wish to return home. Yesterday the social worker who is conducting the assessment came to the house for the second interview (my husband and other sone were out) and she read out the comments my son had made when she saw him earlier in the week.

Basically, it seems that my son used the interview with the social worker as an opportunity to express his opinion of me. He said I ignored him, that I only talked about myself, that I never spent time with him, that I caused him to take an overdose, that I was the main cause of his anxiety and he did not love me.

I realise that my son is a 15 year old with Asperger syndrome and mental health issues, but his words really cut me to the core. I love my son desperately and want him to come home but I am afraid that his comments will lead to a simplification of his assessed needs.

Yet, this is not the only reason that I feel bad. When my chilldren were very small, my husband (who is also on the autism spectrum) found it very difficult to cope with their behaviour (including and especially, the rather challenging behaviour exhibited by my eldest son). As a result, he often hit them, verbally abused them and scared them (e.g. pinned them to walls and said he would kill them). I am ashamed to say that I let this go on. I believed I could manage the situation and make arrangements that would support my husband as well as keep the children out of harm. I was wrong. A disclosure was made by the children at school six years ago and an initial assessment was undertaken, The case was closed largely because I protected my husband.

Since then, the physical abuse has dwindled and gone and my sons have developed a close relationship with their father. However, I am riddled with guilt. I know it is too late to undo what has been done, but I wonder whether I should relate the incidents of the past to provide a context which may explain my son's reluctance to come home or whether this would simply open a can of worms which would only complicate the situation now.

I have lived with this guilt for so many years and the boys are now at an age where they are gaining independence. I feel my son's apparent hatred for me is due to my failure to protect him. if so, then I deserve it. However, I need to know whether, in this case, it is better to bury the past.

[charmed1]

Dear Har1Her1

I know exactly how you feel. My husband was Step Dad to my eldest two. They now live with their father under a residency order to anger issues so I do understand what you're going through.

Long story short they have been spoken to by the social worker and the lies that have come out. They aren't talking to me now, partly the influence of their father and his new wife.

Basically, it seems that my son used the interview with the social worker as an opportunity to express his opinion of me. He said I ignored him, that I only talked about myself, that I never spent time with him, that I caused him to take an overdose, that I was the main cause of his anxiety and he did not love me.

They wrote letters to me a couple of years ago and they went for it with the abuse it hurt so bad. I used to rise to it and get defensive and upset. I've been in therapy and no longer react to the bait.

Yet, this is not the only reason that I feel bad. When my chilldren were very small, my husband (who is also on the autism spectrum) found it very difficult to cope with their behaviour (including and especially, the rather challenging behaviour exhibited by my eldest son). As a result, he often hit them, verbally abused them and scared them (e.g. pinned them to walls and said he would kill them). I am ashamed to say that I let this go on. I believed I could manage the situation and make arrangements that would support my husband as well as keep the children out of harm. I was wrong. A disclosure was made by the children at school six years ago and an initial assessment was undertaken, The case was closed largely because I protected my husband.

I suffer with terrible guilt my husband and I both suffered with depression. My husband extreme anger issues. My eldest were horrible to him egged on by their father and he broke. Kids were removed to their father's supported by the social worker.

We have to younger children together that are now under placement for adoption orders. Our youngest was spoken to many times alone at aged just three and what he was reported to have said was interpreted to suit the social worker. Our daughter has special needs and they led her on by asking closed questions. She's 6 now. They will and do encourage certain responses from the kids, especially vulnerable are those with special needs.

However, I am riddled with guilt. I know it is too late to undo what has been done, but I wonder whether I should relate the incidents of the past to provide a context which may explain my son's reluctance to come home or whether this would simply open a can of worms which would only complicate the situation now.

I kept things to myself. Our families weren't interested and I ended up having a breakdown. Be careful. They will use anything you say against you. If you are asked outright don't deny it. For us it made matters so much worse even though we weren't about to admit something we hadn't done. To them you are labelled as non compliant or in denial.

I have lived with this guilt for so many years and the boys are now at an age where they are gaining independence. I feel my son's apparent hatred for me is due to my failure to protect him. if so, then I deserve it. However, I need to know whether, in this case, it is better to bury the past.

Like you my eldest are apparently still holding onto the past after over three years with their father. More convenient than anything I think as up until a year or so ago things were ok. Overnight they seemed to turn on me.

Take care. Maybe see a counsellor to try and unpick your feelings. Social services prey on the vulnerable not try and help them. We are still blamed for causing our daughter's global development delay and she's been in foster care over a year and she has not caught up as they somehow believed.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hello Har1Her1

Welcome back to the board. My name is Suzie and I am FRG’s online adviser.

I am sorry to read about the difficult and upsetting situation that you are currently in. I can see that you love your son dearly and that you are working hard to try and get the best support for him.

It must have been devastating to hear your son’s recent comments but try to hold on to the fact that, as well as having specific vulnerabilities, he is also an angry and confused teenage boy. Whilst it is important not to dismiss your son’s concerns, it is likely that his statements are only part of the picture and do not represent the whole truth.

I would expect that the both the CAMHS unit and the social worker will be mindful of the above when considering what your son has said. The social worker should take the information provided in context rather than simply accepting it at face value in order to make a thoughtful assessment of your son’s situation and his needs.

I would advise that you try to be clear with the social worker about your own perspective and position, perhaps by putting some notes in writing,
• Emphasise that you care deeply for your son and want only what is best for him
• Acknowledge what he has said and highlight that you are open to reflecting on this and working in partnership with him and professionals to consider how things can be improved
• State that, in your view, this is only a part of what is going on and that you are concerned about what other issues may be contributing. Perhaps state what other issues you are specifically concerned about and feel need further assessment

Regarding the historical situation for you and the boys, I can see that you have previously made decisions which you now regret and this causes you some anxiety and guilt. You clearly did what you believed to be right for your family at the time, however and, as you have said you cannot go back now and change events.

Feeling guilty is not helping you or your sons and is likely to be detrimental in dealing with the current situation. I would advise that you try to seek some support, such as counselling, to help you address your feelings and move forward.

Having said this, I would also advise that you are up front and honest about the historical situation with the professionals involved in your son’s care. There is a risk that this will raise concerns and criticism of your previous decisions. On the other hand, there is a risk that this information will come to light anyway and you would be open to further criticism for not taking the opportunity to be honest.

More importantly, however, what happened in the past is likely to have had and continue to have an impact on your son. This information may be crucial for professionals to offer the best treatment and support to him. Given that you clearly want the best support for your son, I would strongly advise you to share any information that might assist this.

I hope this is helpful.

Take care

Suzie
FRG Adviser