Should l tell child their father has been "bad"?

[prettyangelwings]

A brief synopsis:
My child's father has recently been released from prison on a suspended licence after serving 9 months of an 18 months prison sentence for a sex offence with a minor. I have been in touch with the SS regarding his release and what it means with regards to contact with our child (one of the conditions of his court order is that he is not to have contact of any kind with a female minor unless supervised and with the consent of the parent/guardian or social services. SS have said that as long as I'm aware of his conviction and supervise contact or trust someone completely to supervise then they have no problem - if they hear to the contrary they will reopen the file ( a case was opened when he was released on bail but subsequently closed once it was determined she was in my care and not at risk from him ).


I have decided it is in my child's interest to see her father however having investigated the route of contact centres and deemed that option inappropriate l have concluded that l must be the one doing the supervising. I must say l am reluctant to take this position given that l disliked her father prior to this whole debacle and even more so now. But l believe putting my child through the centre will raise numerous questions for my child. At present my child believes he is away working for the last 9 months.

My query is how to go about reintroducing contact. Should l simply allow him to speak to my child over the phone with him on loud speaker and accompany them on visits to see him twice a month. Should l limit the face to face contact for a few hours. Should l always meet in public - it's come to my recent attention that he has been violent prior to his arrest. What do l tell my child who is 7 where he has been and why l must now be in attendance and why overnight stays at the father's home is now void.

Another point is that his family do not seem to recognise that he has done anything wrong. In their eyes it's a big misunderstanding. Given this l am reluctant for her paternal grandparents/aunts/uncles to see my child /take child out/ have child on Christmas, etc/ for fear that although they may say they will supervise in theory l believe it will not be impartial given that he is a loved relative to them. Am I allowed to restrict visits with them. I do wish my child to see
extended paternal family but believe it would only work if l was in attendance also.


Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear prettyangelwings

Welcome to the parent's discussion board.

It may be an idea to speak to the social worker about coming up with an agreed age appropriate explanation to your child about his father's situation.

As your child's main carer it would be reasonable to gradually build up supervised contact in the way you suggest, starting with phone on loud speaker then if you feel more comfortable meeting in a neutral or public place to start with once a risk assessment on him has been completed by a social worker.

It may be helpful to enter into a written agreement with your child's father and a social worker. At least this way it is clear about each parties expectations about what is safe contact.

If this goes well, then you could consider how and if contact is increased with your childs' father and other members of the paternal family for reassurance. It will be important to identify one or two designated contact supervisers in the event you are not available, but rather than cancel contact you can be satisfied it can take place safely as part of the agreed contact plan.

Why don't you discuss your proposal with Children's Services in advance to obtain their view, and if they wish to add anything at this time? You may also wish to speak to the Lucy Faithfull Foundation about your plans as they have expertise giving advice to family's facing similar issues to yourself.

I hope this helps.

Best Wishes

Suzie

[coachkev]

Hello, Im going to try and be the 7 year old child in question and how would i feel if my dad had worked away for a short period of time and couldn't wait for him to get back from work so we can spend some time together,ive missed my dad while he worked away.
But my mother will not let me see my dad .I do think its not right or fair for a child to be said NO to without explanation.
It go's beyond saying if your think about your child's safety the matter at hand will just get worse and then you have to see the child's dad at contact if you take that root.
How long can it last before the child's relationship start to break down with mum for not letting him/her see dad.
Im sorry but after thinking about what to write im going to sit on the fence and say ,i would defiantly look for some sort of guidance from a training course, I've been a fostered child & now im a foster carer,so im having to go onto training courses. Every training course ive been on, there as always been something that clicks into place to make the right decision. Please don't listen to your piers you need a professionals insight into the situation, but then if you pick the right course you may then now what to do

Hope you make the right decision for a happy family
Good Luck