Joint Custody Despair

[richlizard]

Hi all.

I am very sorry to post this on behalf of someone else, but I feel I need to do something to help him (perhaps before it is too late).

He split from his wife maybe 5 years ago and things have not gone smoothly. They were both in high paid jobs and had a house worth 600k. But she left him for someone else. I really don't think he is over this, but he won't admit to that.

In the last year or two, he has turned heavily to drink. He lost his job, but luckily found another but lost that due to drink-related illness. He has now had to sell the house which he purchased from his wife when she left. It sold just last week.

He has been in and out of hospital on numerous occasions, each time being told he must stop drinking. Here is the thing that I hope someone might be able to help with. He blames it all on 'losing' his kids. He has two beautiful daughters that he has joint custody of. He has been drunk in front of them on many occasions, yet still he blames his drinking on having to give them back. The latest was just Monday. He was meant to be coming to visit me, but did not turn up and I could not get hold of him. He finally called me back the next morning and seemed a little slurry. He explained that he got up at 4 and started to drink. He was meant to be driving the kids back later in the morning, but instead got them a taxi!! I was pretty disgusted with him, but he just broke down and said he can't cope with handing them back. Obviously, getting drunk in front of them is not the answer.

He has been so good of late and has regular counselling for his problems. He has not been in hospital for a few months now. He has tried acupuncture, mediation, anything he can to get back on track. But clearly nothing is working. He has even spoke of ending it all. He has lost everything and is self-destructing to the point he will also lose his kids. It also worries me that he says he has started to prefer one child over the other and I answered him before he told me... the eldest is turning into the Mother who left him.

Even close friends are becoming a little bored of his antics, myself included. We want to help, but he won't help himself. He is the loveliest, happiest, man who exudes exuberance but sadly that is normally after he has been drinking these days because he rarely goes out without drinking first. And he has been known to turn when he has too much and even fall over, either due to the drink or the illnesses that have arrived because of the drink. It is very sad and I am at my wits end trying to help.

I apologise if I have joined the wrong group, but I just did not know where to start. This is not one of those 'my friend, nudge nudge'. It really is not me.

But if anyone knows of any groups of like-minded people that are in a similar situation, I would be really grateful if you could put me on to them so I can try to push him towards it. He will say he has tried everything, but that is impossible. There must be something that will work for him.

We live in Hampshire by the way, but I was think an online group might be just as good to give him some comfort from others going through the same thing.

Thanks for listening.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear richlizard

Welcome to the parent's discussion board.

I am sorry to hear that your friend is going through such a difficult time following his separation from his ex partner, and his struggle with alcohol related illnesses.

Without knowing the children's ages, and therefore how vulnerable they are so that we can advise you further on his immediate support needs, can i suggest you contact your local community drug and alcohol service or Addaction to see if they have information on on-line support groups.

Your friend has the option of contacting his GP and ask to be referred to a specific support group for parent's facing similar circumstances. Alternatively, he has the option of contacting his local Children's Services for support at this time.

I hope this helps.

Best Wishes

Suzie

[richlizard]

Hi Suzie and thanks for the reply.

I don't know their exact ages, but would guess at 14 and 12.

He has gone down the usual routes with GP etc., who pass him on to other groups but he genuinely feels he is out of place as they are all drunks and druggies (his words). It is just difficult to put across that he IS one of them, like it or not.

I was hoping there was perhaps online groups where people perhaps become part of a community because I know he has tried so many different groups in real life.

After contacting this group yesterday, another friend contacted me to tell me he is in a real bad way. I of course already knew, but have tried just about everything to help and don't know what to do next. I am sure he will be back in hospital within the next few days.

It is very sad.