Father can't cope

[Har2Her2]

Hi,

I posted here earlier this year with respect to a situation involving my eldest son. My son (15) has now been discharged from the CAMHS unit where he was an inpatient for seven months and is awaiting placement at a special school. My youngest son (13) is now under CAMHS for Generalised Anxiety Disorder. However, the situation has become rather complicated. For example, my youngest son has refused to go to school for five weeks and has become significantly behind with his schoolwork and isolated from his friends. Added to that, both boys disclosed that they had engaged in sexualised play with each other which involved penetration by an object. My husband informed the IYSS worker who is involved with the family, and a referral was made to social care.

The boys' behaviour disturbs me, but what causes me more anxiety is that my husband does not seem to be coping with their care. For instance, I have taken some time off work and my youngest son is now attending school (albeit on a part time basis). He needs coaxing, reassuring and gently integrating back into the routine. Yet my husband has given in to him because he is frightened of distressing him. Both boys need very close supervision because the eldest is autistic and is uncertain about boundaries. Yet they have been allowed to 'play' upstairs as long as they are quiet. My eldest also needs prompting to take his medication and I have learnt that he has been missing his morning medication on a regular basis. I will have to return to work on Monday and I am frightened that any changes that I have tried to implement over the last few days will be undone. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not trying to paint my husband as an ogre, he has Asperger's syndrome and I think he simply does not pick up on cues or see the bigger picture.

My question is this: (a) Would I be able to request someone to help my husband with the children: e.g. someone to come from school or social care to help get my youngest to school and someone to help occupy my eldest until his placement is secure? (b) we have had assessments from social care in the past, but they were never instigated by anything of a sexual nature, should I expect a different form of assessment to take place due to the nature of the referral?

Any advice would be welcome.

[ange301126]

Dear Har2Her2,

I strongly advise you to contact experts such as The National Autistic Society for advice and support.
The CS will only make it worse,much worse.
Another organisation you might try is the Together Trust.

Does your family have the benefit of regular respite care?When you have autistic or special needs children , it is your duty to provide special care.That means you must work with professionals ,follow all their advice to the letter and accept all the support offered.
That includes respite care.The experts regard it as essential to care for this type of child.Take all the advice and there will be a slow and steady improvement.

If you don't access the help,then the CS might have a good case for a care-order if so inclined.In fact, it is known that social workers target families with autistic children.They regard them as easy cases and good moneyspinners. University of East Anglia research showed that up to be true.

My last bit of advice is that you are asking too much of your husband if you expect him to care for the children especially if he has problems himself.
I know what I am talking about. My children were removed permanently.The social work 'experts' decided that it was impossible for one person( even without their own difficulties) to care for two special needs children alone. The Guardian agreed and the Judge did too even though The Autism experts reported that it was a fairly regular occurence for two or more children to be cared for by one parent while the other was out.When a social worker is after excuses,he will say anything to get your children.

If you know,however, that your husband is not coping,then I would seriously consider staying at home all the time yourself . Sorry, but there it is!

Hope this helps.Suzie( the online FRG adviser will give you more advice and help- links tomorrow,I am sure.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Har2Her2

Welcome to the parent's discussion board. My name is Suzie, one of FRG's online advisers.

I am sorry to hear that you are worried about the consistency of care being offered to your children at the present time.

It seems that you are trying to find sensitive ways to address the care being given to them by your husband, who of course has special needs of his own. Is there a Care Programme Approach (or CPA) meeting due with the CAMHS team? Perhaps if they have a recent assessment report, it may identify a need for additional family support and a referral could be made on your behalf.

I would continue to make every attempt possible to work with your husband, stating you have every wish to support him as main carer, whilst outlining your concerns, providing a daily chart of daily routine tasks that are required. You could state you are doing this to ensure that both you and the children are clear what is expected when each of you acts as main carer.

It would also be an opportunity to obtain your husbands views about whether he feels the plan is workable, realistic and if he feels it would be helpful for you to request additional support (for the short term) at least until you have settled back into your work; and he and the children become used to the new routines being set at home.

If however, you have concerns about the children's welfare and continue to feel the new arrangement is not workable (as it would be too much or take too long for your husband to get on board), then as stated you do have the option of considering alternatives such as discussing a staged return to work with your employer for the first twelve weeks etc, or additional family support from the children with disabilities team, for instance. However, this may not be within your timescales and would be subject to a further assessment by Children's Services.

Whatever decision you make, and so not to be seen to undermine him, keep an open dialogue with your husband acknowledging that your aim is to prioritise the children's unique needs and what a struggle it would be for any parent in this position.

However, have you considered he may qualify for any additional support from adult services. If so, this may be assurance and means of obtaining the extra help you require.

I hope this helps.

Best Wishes

Suzie

[ange301126]

Dear Har2Her2,

Suzie has given you good advice but can I add a little more of my own.
The occurrences which you have described are very serious and harmful to the children.
I know that we have to take the ASD factor into account and that is why I suggest you consult the real experts and psychologists at the Autistic Society who issue advice sheets and have experience of all those irregular behaviours.
However, given the harmful sexual nature of this particular behaviour,I suggest more urgent action is needed than dithering about arranging support programmes and so on.
I suggest you should be at home to supervise at this time.Soon the children will be grown up and I think they need you and their Dad at this critical stage of their development .

[Har2Her2]

Hello,

Thank you for your replies. We had a visit from a social worker who is attached to CAMHS yesterday and she advised me strongly to consider taking a more substantial time from work to make sure my youngest son continues going to school and to help supervise and support my eldest child. She has also informed us that there will be a strategy meeting involving the police on Tuesday.

I have been signed off for five weeks (until after Christmas) with my employer and I have informed my manager (not too graphically) of the situation. I have also contacted the NAS and Ange has advised.

I am worried, because I love my children and I want us to remain together. I am sure we will be able to work something out with support.

Thank you again for the advice.

[ange301126]

Dear Har2Her2,

I cannot help but come on again with more cautionary advice for you.
In my first post I remarked that CS involvement might make it a lot worse also that sometimes they target families with ASD children.Very often,general social workers lack experience and insight of autism and as a result ,they wade in heavy-handedly, get Police involved,give them all sorts of unqualified, unrealistic and uninformed information with an emphasis on exaggerating the risk involved and what do you think happens?

Hey presto, a strategy meeting will be held ( in the absence of parents or anyone with any expertise of ASD) , then not one but two social workers along with two or three police officers ( with a supporting squad of cars and vans in the street outside), will knock on ones door on a Friday evening .

When they arrive in force like that, of course,they have already taken their own decisions to remove the children into care and your family will be devastated.

Having read these forums for a number of years now ,I have to advise you to be wary just in case.

Get support in the form perhaps of an advocate from the NAS now! Have a good notebook and write down every dealing and conversation you have with every social worker in detail from this day forward.

I am not saying this will happen .If the social worker is competent and his intentions are legitimate,it won't but I'm afraid you cannot bank on it. Never under estimate the propensity they have for getting it wrong and overstepping their powers. Nor their willingness to distort issues to get what they want.

Having said that, you must cooperate with them come what may and never ever show any consternation, anger or do anything to antagonise them no matter what they throw at you.Yet don't say too much because they will twist it. Make a note of everything and warn your husband not to overreact to them.

Make sure you have an advocate as soon as you can because he or she will be able to back you at the child-protection conference when it is called.

I have not described this scenario to terrify you or turn you against social workers. Most of them have genuine , legitimate aims and they will be a great help to your family.it is their job to support your family and keep you together with support in your own home.We all welcome and we shake the hands of those types.You have to take your hat of to them.They are marvellous.They act honestly and follow correct procedure.

Its the rogue ones you have to watch out for and you can tell them because they don't follow correct procedures and are not open and honest with you.They will not involve you in decisions and when you get to see their reports, they will bear little relation to the truth.Another unmistakeable sign of corruption is when they come to your door ( without warning of a visit) and wave a paper at you which they demand you sign immediately or they will obtain an order to remove your children. On no account must you sign an S20 agreement or anything else under those circumstances.Tell them you wish to consult an advocate first.

Be forewarned and prepared for the worst just in case and keep in touch with the forum.

You may think I am going over the top with this post but I would be wrong not to make you fully aware of what goes on. Very often , folk come on to this forum and instead of situations getting better, they get worse thanks to CS incompetence ( well documented by Ofsted).

Read the forum and take heed.