Child Protection - confused - advice please :/

[kernow1]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but could really do with some advice.
Me and my hubby have been together for 11 years and have 4 children between us, 3 of whom live with us. There are my 2 children (aged 12 & 14) and our little girl (aged 6).
My children's real father was a big part of the kids lives for the first few years and we all got on quite well, until he remarried and had 2 children of his own. He pretty much abandoned our 2 and then went on to have another child with a different woman and moved 200 miles away, staying in touch with our kids by phone and the occasional visit.
At the age of 11 my son was diagnosed with a condition which quickly led to him losing his mobility. It was a very traumatic time for the whole family as the condition is little know. I had to reasearch and fight for diagnosis and he was in and out of hospital. During this time, my husband was a huge support. He gave up his job to help with the kids and did all he could for us. Over the course of 3 years my sons health worsened and in feb this year he was diagnosed with a 2nd condition which left him in constant agonising pain and again he was in and out of hospital - his last visit being 13 weeks long. I was with him every day while my husband kept me going, looked after the girls and did what he could for my son.
During this time, his own father was next to useless and my son hated him for that.
He came home in the summer and we were allocated a SW from the disabled children's team. It was fantastic as for the first time in so long, there was help available. A child in Need Assessment was completed and was all very positive.
In sept, my son returned to school, and support gradually dropped off. He became quite moody, started shouting and being rude - especially towards my husband. I put it down to his medication / tiredness etc and never thought to ask for help. The more my husband tried to help him and be there for him, the more my son pushed him away. I can see that now, but looking back, I refused to see it. My boy who had been through so much. Hubby would ask him to come off his playstation - he was spending all his time on it and he was concerned it was no good for him - his painful hands, his light sensitivity, his sensory overload which can trigger spasms and blackouts - he was looking out for him and my son would respond by shouting, putting him down and refusing. In my eyes, if he was happy and safe, it meant I could back off - I would undermine my husband in front of him. Looking back I can see how this panned out.
Anyway, about a month ago, they had an argument - hubby asked him to come off the internet on his phone - as usual, my son responded by shouting No, mum pays the bills etc. I was on the phone, shouted at them to both stop for a minete but the argument continued. Refusing to put the phone down, my husband took it out of his hand and my son went mad! I put the phone down and asked him what he was playing at - my husband left us to it to calm down and my son was shaking with anger! I went outside with him and all he kept saying was that he hated his step dad.
Soon after, he went to his room and went on his playstation! That evening he went out with a support worker, played pool etc. then I had a call from SS! They said my son was scared to come home and could he stay at a family members for the night. I agreed, shocked and told my husband what was going on. He was also shocked, but more upset.
The next day the SW came out and spoke to us - then spoke to my son. She said he was still refusing to come home and that he'd said my husband had grabbed his arm, causing lots of pain, pried his fingers apart to take his phone and raised his fist at him! In shock and disbelief, my husband said I'm going to go and give him chance to calm down. He didn't want my son to feel he couldn't come home, but couldn't believe what he'd said.
Over the next few days, the SW spoke regularly to me, my husband and my 4 kids. My son stuck to his story and said he was scared to be around him.
A week later, I had a call from the SW saying she needed to see me urgently. I had an uneasy feeling so asked my sister to be there. When she turned up, my hubby was at his grans funeral, it was half an hour before he was due to pick up the girls and drop them home from school. The SW said that they were having to carry out a child protection investigation and that my husband would have to have supervised visits with the girls. Again we were in shock and confused. The SW then back tracked and said hopefully it won't come to an investigation????? My husband took the news badly and the girls were in bits, but he carried on staying away from the house, did supervised visits as asked etc. We had NEVER had our parenting questioned and there was no real explanation.
My sons hospital checks showed nothing, the police saw nothing to investigate but it went to CPC. My son elaborated the story even more during the conference while my daughter blatently said that what my son was saying was not true and she felt he was doing it to get attention from his own dad (she had months of councilling which had just come to a close to get over the abandonment). Everyone involved in the conference gave positive reports on all children. The police the same - the only people who didn't were the SW and my sons support worker who has barely even met my husband. A Child Protection Plan was put in place (on grounds of emotional abuse) - the aims of which were to focus on the relationship between my son / husband and family support. The supervised visits were dropped as there were no concerns. The chair pointed out things that hadn't been done and the fact that myself & my hubby were at no stage offered any support and gave me leaflets on filing a complaint.
The SW promised to come and see me the next day, but cancelled, The same happened the following monday. In the week that followed my daughter was effected badly by my husband not being around - she wasn't sleeping, didn't want to be in the house, started suffering panic attacks etc. and refusing to go to school. The school were supportive and tried contacting the SW with no joy. My son on the other hand is acting as tho everything is fantastic! Life couldn't be better while his family is crumbling around him.
Last friday was meant to be the core group meeting. Again, the SW cancelled. By this point I was so concerned about my daughter that I phoned the council and made a complaint. Within an hour the SW team manager came out to see us. Finally, we spoke to someone who was supportive, explained the process and emphasised the fact that this investigation is about keeping the family together. She said the fact that my husband had volunteered to leave and has been staying out of the way goes in his favor and it was easy to see how upset he was at the situation. When I asked what would happen if my son refused to co-operate, she said that at the end of the day he's a child. He can't control the family and we should carry on as normal as possible. That they has spoken about ways they could get them communicating and that this is there intention. She also promised that the meeting would go ahead on the monday and if our SW couldn't do it, she would! She spoke to the kids. They felt at ease and my daughter told her how she felt patronized by the SW and that she hated talking to her. The manager seemed understanding and we all felt so much better!
Today the core group meeting went ahead. Again, there were positive reports and plans put in place to support the children, but nothing, no mention of them getting my husband and son together. When the kids left the meeting and I asked what there plans were, all I got was it's hard for my son and he doesn't want to.

I feel so stuck! It's coming up to christmas - my girls are falling to pieces and I have no clue whats going on or when my husband can return home!
I understand the reason for the investigation and that they have to protect my son and make sure he isn't at risk. But what about my girls??????? This situation is putting them at risk!!! What do I do??????????

We have nothing what so ever in writing. Waiting for reports from the conference and letter from the manager re. my complaint. Never been offered support. My hubby is sofa hopping at financially it's effecting us. Lost / angry / confused

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear kernow1

Welcome to Family Rights Group’s Parents' Forum.

My name is Suzie and I am one of the advisers at Family Rights Group.

I am very sorry that you are having such a frustrating and difficult time with Children Services involvement with your family. It appears that family life has been turned completely upside down following the allegations made by your son.

You do not say in your post whether you have spoken with your son to find out from him why he is feeling the way he does now. From what you say he has always had a good relationship with his stepfather. It may of course be just teenage angst and him wanting to have his own way without the boundaries being put in place by your husband.

It may be that your son may also need to have counselling or therapy to help him cope with the feelings and emotions he is experiencing at the moment. You have said your son changed after going back to school so it could be peer pressure. The social worker saying he does not want to is not enough, there has to be work done to help him.

You may get some support from Family Live to deal with your teenage son. I suggest you try their website.

However, whatever the reason the rest of the family is in turmoil over the situation.
I am sorry that you have not been provided with written details following the child protection conference or core group meetings. I would advise you to put a very strong request in writing to the Chair of the child protection conference to find out why you have not received any minutes.

The social worker should be looking at the needs of all the children and if your daughters are being adversely affected the social worker should be working with and supporting them and you. Has your daughters received any counselling since the family has become fragmented. If they are being so badly affected by their current situation you should ask in writing what help will be provided by Children Services for them.

The Child Protection Plan which has been put in place should give a clear indication of what the expectation is from you and your husband. What the social worker or other professional will do and by when. It should also indicate what help and support will be given to help get things back to normal. You should have been given a written child protection plan.

I am including here a link to our advice sheet relating to child protection procedures which will help you to understand the process.

As far as your complaint is concerned, there is a procedure that has to be gone through and there is a link to our advice sheet here

Both you and your husband have been cooperating with Children Services and I would advise you to continue doing so. I suggest that you put in writing to the social worker and Team Manager your concerns regarding what will happen at Christmas for the children and the plans for your husband’s return.

Is there a possibility that your son could go to his father for a short time?

I hope you will find this information helpful but if you would like to speak to an adviser you can telephone our free advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[kernow1]

Hi Suzie and thanks for your reply.

I have had some opportunity to speak to my son - basically he has been through a heck of a lot over the past few years and the biggest thing is his own dad having other relationships, children never being there for him, especially over the past year which has been a horrendous journey for him. I really get the feeling that there is a lot of misdirected anger - he and my husband have had a close relationship and he has done so much to support my son and the rest of us, but over recent months, my son has very much pushed him away. He is now getting input from a trainee psychologist (who he says doesn't really help) but I have been in contact with someone he feels very comfortable with and is an expert in children who have been through similar things. Just waiting for dates!

School has always been a struggle, physically and emotionally - he has experienced bullying, which the school are great at dealing with but the few friends he does have are very good! academically he is doing well, but has been lashing out more at teachers etc. I am really hoping that therapy will help.

I am still waiting for the social worker to even touch on the subject of his step dad with W - she hasn't seen him 1 to 1 since before the Child Protection Conference 3 weeks ago and today when she was meant to she got her times mixed up :/ She is now due out to see all the kids on Thursday.
I will look at family lives in a mo - just really frustrating me that I am having to work so hard to get help for the kids, and still seems as though there's no support :/

I am still waiting for ANY written info and will get onto that tomorrow. After having time to think back the core group meeting doesn't seem to have achieved anything. As I said, there were positive reports and help that me and school has already put in place but no targets, timescales or anything for any other work put in place. We have a second meeting next thursday.

My eldest daughter had been having councilling prior to all this and it was due to come to an end. However I have spoken to her councillor who is very supportive and he has started a fresh to try and help her through this. My other daughter is 6 - I don't know what more we can do? She's doing great in school, but really acting out and very emotional at home, which I guess is to be expected.

There is NO hope of my son staying with his dad - he is expecting a new baby next week with his new family so has no time for the other kids over christmas. This was my initial thought as my son has missed out on christmas visits due to his condition and not being able to travel - it would have been good for him and given us space to have a family xmas, followed by another special xmas for my son when he came home...... sadly, this wont happen.

Thank you for your advice - tomorrow will be a day of phonecalls and letter writing and to see if we can get things moving. On a plus, the Social Worker did start a parenting assessment with my husband the other day. 2 hours of talking (which my husband usually finds very hard to do) and she did say she can't see any concerns and was starting to see the bigger picture and what may be going on. She will be continuing with this on Thursday, so fingers crossed we will get somewhere!

Thanks again

[Heartbroken]

OMG kernow1 my son who is slightly younger has also done a similar thing! After my youngest baby who is now 17 month old was born, he increasingly became more and more lazy and used to sneak out from my sight so he could play computer games or watch videos on youtube or movies etc. Then when time to do homework would come, he suddenly would become tired. I asked him nicely, said you can do all things you want to AFTER work for school is done, but moaning didn't help. I even took his ipod away. Of course other things coinsided - I did not buy him an iPhone which other children at school have but dared to say if in secondary school he does well, I would consider taking a contract out but first he needed to show me he was worthy.. He was vefry much involved in playing footbal but two football teams folded one after another - managrs decided they did not want to train due to lack of commitment by the boys and in addition my son's class friends were bullies more than friends as he was constantly complaining how unreasonable they were... There was a new head teacher in the school who completely ruined it and made lots of teachers leave and we had loads of new ones so my son had no consistency - in one year his class had 3 teachers (!).. This year once again he was tought by a stranger who was according to him picking on him constantly. Instead of calling the school I told him to follow the rules and there would be no need to pick on him (now I know I shoul dhave called school regardless of how stupid it woudl have been but I have made a mistake by choosing to stand by the unknown teacher) plus I used to ask him babysit the baby while I would say cook for him etc so all must have accumulated in his head.

Anyway, one morning when I could not bear his attitude and laziness and complete ignorance, I proper told him off and he knew things would have to get changed as I told him to cean his shoes, his teeth, then read a book for school abd that from then on things would be different! He knows me and knew I meant that. After school he did not come back and I have learned he complained I have HIT him! saying that I have hit him! Police and SW involved and he was also afraid to come back home!

This happened 2,5 months ago and he is staying with his dad and dad's partner. I have no idea what is going on other than SW had came around a month ago to bully me into admitting of hitting him or according to him there was no way to move forward because apparently I have let my son down! Medical examination shown no signs of abuse and results were 'inconclusive'. Police was involved from the start (which is probably why he was afraid to go back home) and they told me to admit to the offense - hitting my son and they even shown me a picture of two spots on his face which I have not seen before (!). AS i did not admit to something I have NOT done, police interviewed me under caution few days later as I wanted a solicitor, son was apparently back the following week to do his statement. This was around 2 months ago! then there was a silence - a 'criminal investigation' which is still ongoing. Apparently case was forwarded to CPI for a review. There was no official paper saying I cannot see my kid but when I suggested going to school to talk to him, SW said this would be seen as potential abduction and school office woudl have to call them. It is absolutely ridiculous.

I know the system must protect the vulnerable children and often does a very good job but what this has done to my son is that he seems to be progressively hating me (feedback from my mum who went to see him couple of weeks ago and my other child who is in between homes). I was the closest person for him and from that I became an enemy. Although when I briefly spoke to him over the phone, it seemed he has missed me (!) but that was said before dad walked into the room... Then he said he could not see me!Of course I did not mention that there is absolutely no relationship with his dad as we have just undergone residential case trial where he wanted a custody of the children but failed so he must be enjoying this whole thing! Never misses opportunity to mention how frigthened the boy is and how scary is the home he used to live and NEVER wants to go back here. It is an absurd.

While it is an amusemend for my ex, I am deeply worried about this boy and how this whole thing will affect him long term. I am also thinking perhaps therapies would help as he needs to let go of the anger which accumulated in him. I also was in denial and thought all was great while the anger was growing in him.. See he was the baby in the house before the new baby was born and all attention was stoled from him..
I have no idea how this will if ever end..

[kernow1]

Heartbroken - I am so sorry to read this. We are now over 6 weeks down the line (still with no paperwork at all) but are slowly making progress - as far as social services goes anyway.

My son on the other hand is digging his heals in and as the SW put it 'it's like playing a game of chess with him' - every time she chips away at the wall he has put up, he builds it higher. He is being given every opportunity to see my husband and even though I see glimmers of hope - when it comes down to it, he put his barriers up even higher.
Last night I broke and asked him why this was happening - he said he knows his step dad wouldn't hurt him intentionally, that none of it is his fault etc. but he can't and won't live with him. Hearing that come from his mouth has brought me to breaking point - I can barely look at him. I cry whenever I see him. Not just because i am angry, but because like you I am SO worried about him and what this will do to him in the long run. He is pushing everyone away and cant/wont see it.
The hardest thing is he can't go stay with his dad, and I have to be there for him, whilst watching my family fall apart! Where's the logic?

Now here's the thing - I have been so angry at SS for many reasons, but can see that at the end of the day they have a job to do - to protect my son. They did the same thing with us - trying to get us to admit that my husband hurt him other wise there was no way of moving forward. This made me angry (and still does) but again, part of their job is to challenge. Whats happening with the 'criminal investigation'? We were led to believe that the police were investigating - it wasn't until the Child Protection Conference that I was told, by the very supportive police officer that actually, there was nothing to investigate and would have no further involvement.

I have been SO frustrated by the way things have been done - or rather lack of explanation / information / communication, but in the meantime I have made contact with other professionals - school, his doctors etc. The point I made to the SW (when they were trying to get me to say my husband had hurt him) was that my son was very emotional - this in itself causes him pain - so it's not that the pain wasn't real to him, but my husband didn't do the things he said and that there are so many other underlying issues. With help from the school, I arranged counciling etc. for us all seperately. This has helped us in one way or another, but by being pro active has also shown SS that are main focus is help for our son and that we will do whatever it takes.

Over the course of the 6 weeks despite being so angry / confused we have been totally open with them - they have been carrying out assessments (especially on my hubby) and have come to the conclusion that he's a great dad. It seems like it's taken forever but we're getting there. They are now arranging family therapy - whether or not my son will agree is another matter.

Today, I am looking at things a little differently - this was mainly after visiting my doctor in floods of tears and his exact words were "This b@*+dy bullc@*p has to stop!". He pointed out that my son is manipulating (like most teenage boys) thinking only of himself and he has to take some responsibility. He said I should calmly tell him such - as his mum I have a right to be angry, to think about my whole family and as long as I make it clear I still love him and will be there for him it's something I need to do. I said that I'd been scared incase he says something to SS about me - my docs reply was to let him! If he took it that far, he would then have to take responsibilty for that.
Not sure when / how I'm going to do this, but I agree it does need to be done. The longer it keeps going on, the more my girls will be effected. At what point do we start protecting them?

It's so tricky. With us, not being able to send him to his dads or for me to have break from it is an issue - in your case I can see it must be so hard, him being with his dad and not knowing what influence he's having. At least I know that although his dad hasn't been there in the past - we do have his full support in this.

There are a few things I am learning about this whole process - don't be scared to research - if things aren't being explained there are some great advice sheets, procedures that need to be followed and it's helped us to get clued up on them.

Working with SS is tough! Especially when they seem to be putting word in your mouth or trying to get you to admit to things - but stick to your guns! Being open and honest has been tough but is slowly paying off.

Also, don't be scared to complain! I did a few weeks ago and it made a big difference! Suddenly they are more helpful and seem to be ticking to deadlines.

I totally understand that teenagers do things like this, for whatever reason and they need help - thing is the systems gone mad! As soon as they say something like this it's taken out of our hands. A dispute that would normally be easily sorted becomes a huge issue. It's impossible or must seem impossible to them to take it back and are worrying about the effect of doing so. They put up walls to try and deal with the guilt and any other emotions that led them to this in the first place. It's SO annoying! What it does do though is give time to reflect - you seem to know where this has come from for your son and he needs help to deal with the issues. If his dad isn't co-operating, it aint gunna be easy.

All we can do is know we have nothing to hide. Hang in their. Stay strong and stick together. This whole thing has brought the rest of our family so much closer together and we are talking so much more. I have a bond back with my girl who was sidelined by me while my son was ill. I don't feel bad - it was down to circumstances and my husband was there when I couldn't be but I've realized what an amazing young lady she is!

The other thing is to let our boys know in any way we can that we love them, we care and we want to help! This is hard - my husband, like you is heartbroken by all this and it's hard not to be angry or resentful, but as adults, we find ways to deal with it. The social workers manager suggested my hubby writing to him telling him how he feels, that he would never hurt him and will always be there for him. He may not read it / take it in at first, but you can't get away from something in writing. We are also carrying on with family life the best we can. Trips out - normal things. He knows that he can come (at this point my hubby is still not at home - but through investigations they know he's no risk!) If he choses not to and misses out that's my sons choice, but we have tried.

I am going to try and get some of that sleep I keep hearing about! All the reports and paperwork should have been sent out today so will be waiting for that and going through it with a fine tooth comb before our Core Group Meeting on Wednesday!

As for christmas - it's gunna be tough! Luckily, my hubby has a cousin and family a few doors away, so he'll be there. My son will get the usual presents / cards from both of us and me and the girls will spend half the time with him. My son has been invited. Will just have to see what happens!

Take care and thinking of you all. Kids eh? Sometimes feel like going to bed and waking up when they're grown up! But we'll get there and this forum is great for sharing stories and advise etc. Thankyou for replying and look forward to hearing some happier news soon!