Advice needed

[Sopho15]

Hi I am looking for some Advice it's quite a long and complicated story so I will try and explain the best I can! About 4 years ago I first met my partner from the very beginning he was honest about his past we took things slowly and two years later we had our son we worried because of he past during my pregnancy! Social services became involved with is because in a previous relationship he had slapped his step son and him and his ex partner didn't co operate as they should with social services and as a result the children went to live with a family member under a special guardianship my partner has contact with his son! Social services got to no us through my pregnancy and where happy with us we went from child protection plan to child in need plan and after about 9 months when my son was roughly 6 months olds they where happy with us as parents and where planning to sign us off completely to get on with life our way! How ever my and my partner had a very heated argument and he ended up assaulting me this was very out of character and the first time anything like this had ever happened between us I called the police he was arrested and charged for assault we split immediately this hit my partner very hard and he seemed to fall in to a very dark place very depressed and angry! He had contact again with my son after all the court proceedings this was in a contact centre for about another 6 months and at the final meeting they decided that he was a good father and there where no issues with his parenting and we where signed of and told that the only issue they would have is if we where to resume our relation ship I was told by my social worker that contact between him and my son was completly up to me from then on! Since then just over a year now things have been great he is a great father and has a lot of counselling and cbt and I feel like he is the person I was so in love with again we have decided to start seeing each other again and taking it very slowly things are going great and in the future I hope we can live together as a family again how ever I Am confused as to where I stand with social services they said they would only be involved again if we resumed a relationship and wanted to live together again when should I tell them that we are seeing each other again or do I wait untill I feel that we are ar the point we want to live together again or do I tell them now I want to be sure that we are ready and doing the right thing before we involve social services again are they likely to let us live together will they tell me to choose my son or my partner ( I would obviously choose my son) whAt is likely to be the steps they would take when I tell them?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear sopho15,

Thank you for posting and welcome to the parents forum.

I can see from your post that you have worked extremely well with children services in the past. In fact, children services are so trusting of your ability to protect your child and be honest with them that they have left decisions around contact to you.

Dad as well has clearly worked very well with any support offered him that he no longer needs to have his contact supervised.
However, children services have said that they will be concerned if you resume a relationship with dad. They would be further concerned if you decided to live together again.

There are two reasons why I think you should clarify the position with children services now rather than later:

1. If dad is still assessed as “risky” due to domestic violence, he will be expected to undertake a course (which may take some months) before he can safely have a relationship with you.
Although dad has passed all the parenting assessments, it sounds like children services still believe he could be domestically abusive to you which may then cause harm your child. He may not have completed the appropriate courses for this.
As you may have already been told, children may be either physically hurt themselves and/or they may witness domestic violence which can be very emotionally harmful for children.
The damage it causes is specifically included in the legal definition of significant harm to a child.

Why doesn’t he contact Respect who can advise him about courses that are available in your area?
You could also seek advice from Women’s Aid if you have not already done so. Are there any courses/ support that you could do to reduce the risk of domestic violence?


2. If children services find out that you have resumed a relationship before you tell them, for example, if your son tells school about it or you are seen together, they may assume that things are more serious than they are and feel that you have not been honest with them. They may be worried that your son has been put at risk of harm already.

Children services may carry out a new risk assessment when you tell them about your relationship resuming.

Given how much you have already done over the years since your son was born, I am sure that you will be able to work towards a good outcome.
Please post back if you need further advice or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[Sopho15]

hi suzie thanks for your reply

my sons dad has done a building better relationships course and has now completed this recently i also complete the susi project toolkit for woman that had been affect by dv! we both found both course very helpful to us as individuals and we stayed apart untill we had both finished our courses he has also done cbt and has gone to his doctor to see if there is any ongoing support groups he can be refereed to this to me made me feel like he really wanted to make sure this never happened again i hope that childrens services will agree! it wasn't untill that point i decided to try again with him we are taking things very slowly to ensure this doesnt happen again and keep our relationship separate from being parents to our son, how do i go about telling social services do i ring my old social worker or is there someone else i should call?
thanks

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Sopho15,

Yes, you could telephone your old social worker or her manager. Or go through to first response team or the duty social worker team at your local authority.

Dad can as well.

I am glad that you and dad have completed the support that was expected of you. I would expect children services to carry out a fresh assessment to check that everything is safe enough for your son. They will want you to continue to safeguard your son until the assessment confirms that dad is no longer risky.
Best wishes,
Suzie