Help with unhelpful social worker and DV focus

[Worried mum123]

Hi

My 13 yr old daughters father has been pursuing for over a year an application for residency for my daughter. Initially on the back of erroneous claims I'd impeded contact as ordered (i hadnt) but also on the grounds that he alleged my daughter had wished to live with him largely owing to disliking my new husband. Her father had not ever approached me privately about it and also at the time removed all child maintenance provision. This resulted in us Having to sell our family home and stress and tension around his behaviour grew between me and my husband.
Between July and November 2014 Behind closed doors we had two physical episodes during an argument when my children were not in the house and on day that we had to move from our newly bought family home into rented accommodation this February a further argument between us escalated and I was pushed on the stairs by my husband. The court case was continuing via solicitors and the first hearing in January encouraged ageement via mediation but the process fell down. My daughters father threatened further court action saying things 'would get much worse for you' if I didn't agree to his demands to allow my daughter to live with him.

The next thing I knew was that the application had been returned to court and my daughters father had also made a referral to children's services alleging that I was not allowing my daughters voice to be heard and that the home wasn't safe due to the dynamic between me and my husband. CS had a phone consultation with me and my daughters school and shut the case down after I'd reassured them that my husband and I were seeking counselling support both individually and as a couple and also the school had obviously informed them that she was an a grade socialable student. A week later this June I had an argument with my daughter about her PE Kit and I was emotional and crying as she was very aggressive about telling me I had to drive 15 miles back to her school to get her kit which she had forgotten. I was tired and emotional as I'd had four vile emails in quick succession that afternoon from her fathers very aggressive solicitors and I broke down saying I couldn't cope with her. My husband intervened as my daughter continued to shout at me and she became hysterical saying to me in private that she hated him and was scared of him and had witnessed the episode on the stairs in February which had scared her. I had had no idea she knew and calmed her down, cuddled her and reassured her and stayed with her for a considerable amount of time that evening and then we went to bed.

The following day I received in the afternoon an email from her school saying she'd had an emotional meltdown, disclosed details of the argument and also that she was scared of my husband and going home and the school told me they'd made a referral straight to CS. I was devastated as the argument which took place was not mismanaged At the time and my husband had intervened appropriately. However it is true to say that he does have a temper and to children in particular his manner appears very stern on occasion.
My husband and I as a result of this referral had further argument I think because he felt scapegoated and unsupported and I couldn't cope and was so scared of the implications of CS involvement that I mentioned I was considering divorcing him. CS interviewed me and my daughter and son and seemed to want to see me addressing the issues with my husband robustly as they viewed it as DV and expected me to follow through with the divorce. They raised too issues which my daughter had raised regarding my care, that I'd called her 'a cow' in January 2015 and that she felt alienated within the family. All the while her father had been documenting any adverse comments of hers about me, my husband and our family to present to the court and also encouraged her to leave the home and live with him.

Following a directions hearing two weeks ago, the judge ordered a section 7 report and aware of the CS existing involvement with the school referral asked the existing social worker to prepare the report. I received a letter about CIN meeting and called her about it yesterday. She was unpleasant when I asked for further details about the purpose and structure of the meeting and I found out that my ex husband and the school would be there and that I would be expected to disclose information about the status of my marriage. I told her that having reflected and spoken to my husband we are keen to get our marriage back on track, continue with counselling and encourage a more positive relationship between my daughter and my husband as the other three children are very happy in the home. The social worker seemed displeased at this and judgemental and talked about how she 'hadn't made her mind up yet' about where my daughter should live but that my current thoughts about my marriage were a 'significant departure' from what I'd said previously.

I am very worried about what is going to unfold, my daughter and I are extremely tight most of the time and very loving. There is an interim shared care model which has been implemented which she's very happy about and she keeps apologising for the things she said to the social worker and to school which she says she expressed in the heat of the moment. Whilst I genuinely don't know about the future of my marriage and what is best I feel the right thing to do for all our children and our practical stability is to take any decision making slowly but I get the strong impression from the social worker that there is an expectation that i should simply up sticks for my children's safety , move into a refuge and escape what they deem to be DV which is threatening my children's wellbeing and safety.

There has been only three episodes of shoving (not hitting) in a year - none of which my 7 yr old son has witnessed, one of which my daughter unfortunately overheard the last episode being infebruary. The year since July 2014 also being when we lost our home, have moved three times, and suffered marital difficulty and stress largely due to my ex husbands aggressive court application and removal of child maintenance

I'd like advice as to how to handle the CIN meeting and display collaboration of course and of course I wish my daughter first and foremost to be happy and secure at home but neither do I want to hurriedly leave a marriage and a new home which largely we are all happy with. I am fearful that I am being vilified, my ex husbands behaviour is not in the spotlight at all and that I may be pressured into leaving my husband and carving up a family which most of the time is happy and loving.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear worried mum 123

Welcome to the parents' discussion board. My name is Suzie, one of FRG's online advisers

From the information you have posted, it is clearly you have been going through a very difficult time with regards the private law process and the current Children's Services involvement.

You state that the Local Authority have been directed a section 7 welfare report in response to your ex partner's child arrangements' order application
and there is a Child in Need plan in place.

With regards to the court application, I am unsure if you have a solicitor or not. If so, it will be important that you continue to work closely with them
at this time, and keep them informed of any changes to your circumstances. If not, you can refer to the child arrangements order advice sheet. Alternatively, you may wish to contact Rights of Women or the Children's Legal Centre who can offer you safety planning support and legal advice.

It is clear that the pattern of domestic abuse along with your daughter's disclosures about the home environment have been of concern to professionals and the child in need planning process can be a useful way for the multi agency network to monitor your child's health and development and to offer family support through your current difficulties.

For this reason, can I suggest you fully engage in this process to prevent it escalating to child protection at this time.

If you would like to speak to an adviser, about your situation, please feel free to contact our advice line on 0808 801 0366 Monday to Friday 09.30 am to 03.00 pm.

I hope this helps.

Best Wishes


Suzie