Family Rights Group | Kinship carers’ Forum

My gs has been with me 3 years since he was 9 months old, after 2 years in court I got SGO March 2021 bm given 1 hour supervised contact every other month alternating with bf who also got an hour every other month.

Both were encouraged to use letterbox facility no more than once a month. Bm wrote twice bf has never written.

Bm turned up for contact once, bf twice. I wrote to them both suspending f2f for 6 months asking them to write to try build a relationship with lo who now has no idea who they are. No letters were forthcoming.

This month bm has got a “support worker” and a “probation support worker” (she was convicted of assaulting me) both stating bm wishes to restart f2f

I asked contact centre to request bm use letterbox for a minimum of 6 months before I visit f2f. Lo has play therapy starting Jan 2023 and I’m also doing life story work with my local post SGO support group in March. I’m having problems getting lo to accept the idea he has a birth Mum, despite the fact he knows I’m his Nanny

Where do I stand? Do I have to facilitate court ordered contact despite both parents breeching the order nearly 2 years ago? Am I okay to request parents engage with letterbox for a period of time before even considering f2f?

And also where do I stand if (and it’s a big if) bm maintains letterbox for 6 months and lo refuses to meet bm?

Thank you

Dear ERC88

Welcome to the Family Rights Group kinship carers forum and thank you for your post.

My name is Suzie online adviser at Family Rights Group, and I will be responding to your post. I apologise for the delay in responding to you because of volume of work and the Christmas break.

You are concerned about contact that your grandson, for whom you have a special guardianship order, has with his birth parents. They have both failed to take up any meaningful contact with their son although this was provided for in a court order. As a result of their failure to maintain regular contact, you decided to suspend face to face contact and asked that they have indirect contact by letter. The parents failed to engage with this method of contact.

As a special guardian you do have the right to make decisions about your grandson's contact by suggesting what you consider to be in his best interests for such contact to take place. However, as there is a court order in place for contact, you are required to adhere to the terms of the child arrangement order for contact. If you consider that the contact the birth parents have with your grandson is causing him any upset or harm, then it is possible for you to apply to the court to change the terms of the order. This is called varying the order.

Whilst I understand your reasons for suspending contact and asking for letter box contact over a six month period, the parents could argue that you are in breach of the court order as you are not allowing the ordered contact. You would be able to explain to the court the concerns you have about how the parents' inconsistent contact and how you believe it impacts your grandson.

You have stated that the birth mother, through a support worker and probation, has indicated that she now wishes to resume face to face contact with her son. It would be reasonable for you to suggest that because of the length of time since she saw your grandson it would be helpful to perhaps send letters and cards and have FaceTime contact before direct contact takes place. If birth mother decided to go to court to enforce the order for contact, the court would consider contact resuming at a pace suitable for your grandson so contact could be reintroduced. Since your grandson, you say, has no understanding of having a birth mother the court would have an expectation that you would ensure that he does, when you were assessed to care for your grandson, were you asked about how you would support a relationship with his birth parents?

It is likely that over the two years that the court case was ongoing that the parents would have been having contact with their son (unless they chose not to) so if he was having contact with his mother, he would have a memory of her. Have you shown him photographs of his mother and father or is this only happening now in the life story work you are doing? You are the special guardian, and your parental responsibility is over and above the parents, but contact is for the benefit of the child and a court would only say there should be no contact with birth mother or father if it is not in the child's best interests. An order was made for contact which suggests the court took the view contact is beneficial. There was lockdown because of covid for two years and, you say, mother was convicted of an assault on you.

Bearing in mind that the birth mother assaulted you, do you feel able to be involved in facilitating contact? If not, you should think about how this can be managed going forward

Regarding your point about your grandson refusing to go for contact, the court would expect that the adults make the decisions for such a young child. There would be an expectation that you encourage and support your grandson’s contact. His wishes and feelings would be taken into account in an age-appropriate way, but it would not be given the same weight as for a much older child.

Your may find it helpful to speak with your local children’s services department about support for contact as they should have support services for special guardians.

I think you might find the information in the links helpful special guardianship orders and this about special guardianship for birth parents

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

I have done my very best to maintain ties with both parents but it’s a one way street

I always kept pictures of parents in our home but my grandson took down the ones that were in his room over a year ago and reacts very badly to photos now. His play therapist has told me to stop pushing photos and information on him he’s clearly not ready to process.

I wrote to bf in December expressing my wish that contact starts again asap he assured he he’d write within the week - it’s mid March and we’ve not had anything.

Bm has written twice so we will probably move to face to face contact soon - under the court order contact will be supervised at a contact centre.

I’m not sure how to take your comment about me being expected to be the adult in the situation? I have done as much as I possibly can to endure my grandson maintains some more of relationship with his parents I just don’t know what more I’m expected to do AND how much I’m expected to traumatise a 4 year old for parents benefit?

Not forgetting they continue to let him down massively but yes, he still needs to show up. Makes sense??

I don’t see why after clearly bending over backward to facilitate contact this lady should even entertain BP and setting Lo up for more hurt and disappointment. Why are ss and professionals constantly pandering to xxx Bp xxxxxx. If we ( yes I have 3 on sgo BP not bothered to see their children for 4 years!!!) give up our lives, live sometimes in poverty as a result, get treated like the poor relatives of care and our los aren’t even given the same benefits as foster kids then why the hell should we also pander to these xxxxx people????

OUR JOB IS TO KEEP THESE CHILDREN SAFE NOT OFFER THEM UP LIKE SOME PLAYTHING TO BP TO GET BORED OF AND LET THEM DOWN TIME AFTER TIME!! Utterly ridiculous

ERC88 wrote: Thu Mar 16, 2023 6:52 pm I have done my very best to maintain ties with both parents but it’s a one way street

I always kept pictures of parents in our home but my grandson took down the ones that were in his room over a year ago and reacts very badly to photos now. His play therapist has told me to stop pushing photos and information on him he’s clearly not ready to process.

I wrote to bf in December expressing my wish that contact starts again asap he assured he he’d write within the week - it’s mid March and we’ve not had anything.

Bm has written twice so we will probably move to face to face contact soon - under the court order contact will be supervised at a contact centre.

I’m not sure how to take your comment about me being expected to be the adult in the situation? I have done as much as I possibly can to endure my grandson maintains some more of relationship with his parents I just don’t know what more I’m expected to do AND how much I’m expected to traumatise a 4 year old for parents benefit?

Not forgetting they continue to let him down massively but yes, he still needs to show up. Makes sense??

Dear ERC88

Thank you for your further post.

I can see that you continue to do your best to care for your grandson including trying to safely manage contact with his parents where possible, in spite of the difficulties that you have experienced.

I am sorry to hear that your grandson’s father has not followed up on your attempt and his agreement to work towards re-establishing contact, by writing initially.

It sounds as if your grandson’s mother has been more proactive and there is a roadmap to progress to supervised contact in a contact centre if this continues.

Contact is always about the child’s right and certainly not about causing him additional trauma. All decisions should be based on what is right for him.

You may find the following sites helpful too as they consider the issues and challenges or legal processes involved:

Special Guardianship Support
Kinship
Child Law Advice.

Best wishes

Suzie

NannyS wrote: Thu Mar 16, 2023 10:54 pm I don’t see why after clearly bending over backward to facilitate contact this lady should even entertain BP and setting Lo up for more hurt and disappointment. Why are ss and professionals constantly pandering to xxx Bp xxxxxx. If we ( yes I have 3 on sgo BP not bothered to see their children for 4 years!!!) give up our lives, live sometimes in poverty as a result, get treated like the poor relatives of care and our los aren’t even given the same benefits as foster kids then why the hell should we also pander to these xxxxx people????

Dear NannyS

Welcome back to the kinship carers’ forum and thank you for your post.

I can see that you have had personal experience of the challenges involved as a special guardian when it comes to contact or lack of contact between your grandchildren and their parents. As their special guardian you have had to deal with competing demands while caring for your grandchildren’s emotional needs and keeping them safe.

There are many different reasons why children cannot live with their parents; some parents may continue to struggling with the difficulties which led to their children going into kinship care. Kinship carers are left with the responsibility of managing all of these complex dynamics which can be very difficult especially when they are unsupported. However, it is important that parents are not vilified and their relationship to their children respected even if it is not safe or in the child’s best interests to see them.

You highlight some of the many challenges (including financial) that kinship carers face when they step in to raise children who are unable to live with their parents. You might be interested in our Time to Define campaign which argues for a simple and clear legal framework for kinship care which would passport kinship carers and their children to support and services.

Best wishes

Suzie