Family Rights Group | Kinship carers’ Forum

Hello
We have had a SGO in place since 2021. There is no contact order and we are left to monitor contact with both parents. One parent is no issue and contact progresses smoothly. The other we have constant issues mainly down to them making in appropriate decisions without forethought to the children’s feelings or repercussions. Recently she has taken legal advice to push for greater contact and now seems to feel empowered to make bolder decisions. Our legal counsel told us to tell the parent to take it back to court, as we have offered a pathway forward which was refused several times. We did attend a MIAMS meeting but put forward the reasons we felt mediation would not work for either party.
The children have asked for counselling as for whatever reason they have been triggered to their past trauma and we seem to have gone back to square one. One child was told it was because they were naughty and this really affected them.
Recently the parent told the boys that soon to be Uncle’s dad is in jail for murder. We felt this was completely unnecessary to tell them and was an adult level of conversation. Then today they have taken the children to visit a relative in hospital without first asking if this was okay. Hospitals are one of the boys triggers as is the home of that relative. They have not spoken to that relative in years and we have been told the children asked to go. We in no way believe that to be true. It is likely from past pattern behaviour that the parent asked a question in such a way that the boys just agreed.
We have realised over past few months that they are being fed a glamourised version of the events leading up to their placement in our care. Also that the parent in question is obviously going through a list of things a court would probably like to have. E.g. that we have alienated boys from one half of the family ( those family members never visit, never call or FaceTime the boys and we gave up sending updates and photos after 2 years as we got not even a quick thanks to let us know they had seen these contacts) , they have been into school to be given the EHCP for the child with special needs but done nothing further. We were told they were going to get posters and educational aids etc at their home but have not and refuse to do basic reading book from school with them on afterschool visits.
The parent asks the boys questions in such a way that the boys are feeling compelled to agree. One of the children has had enough and voiced to the parent they do not like it. The other child is slowly being alienated from us and their behaviour has become substantially worse to the point it is affecting school. The child with special needs has voiced at school that he does not want to be alive as he is so overwhelmed with past triggering memories. We are seeking help via school and gp through a multidisciplinary team , although there is a 4 week wait.
I suppose I just want some independent advice on our concerns and whether they are sufficient to pause contact for the well-being of the boys.

Dear CDF56

Welcome to the kinship discussion form and thank you for posting.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group. I see from your post that you have had a special guardianship order (SGO) since 2021 and have been experiencing difficulties regarding contact with one parent. There is no order for contact, but you have been facilitating contact for both parents.

It appears from what you state in your post that the parent acting inappropriately does so without regard to the impact on the children’s wellbeing.

Have you sought support from the special guardianship support services in your local children’s services department. All local authorities should provide this service. I suggest you make contact so they can support you in dealing with the parent’s actions.

As you have a special guardianship order decisions regarding contact are for you to make as you consider appropriate for the children. If a parent is not able to have contact in an appropriate way, then you can decide whether contact take place. If there was an order for contact you would be able to ask the court to change the con-tact arrangements if there was a negative impact on the children.

You have already had legal advice regarding this issue, and it is for you to decide how you wish to continue. If you decide, which you can do, to suspend contact then the parent may decide to take the matter to court. Going to court will give you the opportunity to explain to the court your reasons for suspending contact and for the court to make decisions about contact based on what is in the best interests of the children. It is important that you understand that contact is for the benefit of the child/children not the parent. Your post does not mention the children's ages but their wishes and feelings will be taken into account by the court and the older they are the more weight is given to their wishes.

The information in these advice sheets on our website relating to special guardianship may be helpful to you

Special guardianship – this explains the legal aspects of a SGO

Information for parents – explains what special guardianship means.

Support for special guardians – explains what practical and financial help is available to special guardians.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, you can telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 930am to 3.00pm Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays)

I hope you will find this information useful.

Best wishes

Suzie