Family Rights Group | Kinship carers’ Forum

Hello,

I am in urgent need of some advice and support with my situation.

I am a joint special guardian for my two girls (14 and 9) and have been since 2017. I separated from my ex partner (the other special guardian) in 2019 and have seen my girls roughly three times a week (at my own home) ever since - they call me dad and we are very close. My ex receives all the SGO payments.

My ex is controlling and coercive and has told me yesterday that I can no longer have access to the girls. Her “reasoning” is that she has said I am not allowed to introduce the girls to my partner who I have been with for nearly a year. (For context, my ex has her own partner who met the girls within a few weeks of us separating and my partner works with children and poses no threat to my girls - it’s purely a case of control and jealousy). My partner contacted my ex to say she would be happy to meet her before meeting my daughters but this was ignored. After waiting a few months after trying to negotiate with my ex, I introduced them to my partner last week for a few hours. We want to do things as a family unit and I don’t want to be controlled by my ex partner. My ex has now found out and is saying that because I did this I can’t see my daughters ever again.

My eldest daughter is distraught and messaging me saying she is not sure how she can cope. I am obviously heartbroken.

I don’t have much money (which she is aware of) so wondered if anyone had any advice of the best way to see my daughters again please. My ex has said she won’t let them out of the house and has told school not to let them go home with me.

Any help would be so greatly appreciated.

With thanks
D

Thanks so much Robin

To clarify - they are not my biological children - they are nieces but I see them as my daughters.

Thanks for the clarification. I guessed that might be the case. I have no daughters and five 'daughters'.

Dear livvylooloo

Welcome to the kinship carers’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear about the difficult and distressing situation you are in.

You and your ex-partner are both Special Guardians for two girls, aged 14 and 19. You separated five years ago. The girls live with your ex-partner but you have continued to be closely involved with them. They call you ‘dad.’ Until recently, you have seen them about 3 times a week at your home.

You and your joint Special Guardian are in new relationships. However, you describe how she has recently said she will not allow you contact with the girls as you introduced them to your new partner having tried unsuccessfully to agree this with your ex-partner. You explain that she behaves in a coercive and controlling way. She has also told the children’s school that you cannot pick them up.

I can see that this is upsetting for you, and you describe the eldest girl as distraught too.

You have already had advice from Robin, a kinship carer.

Your query is a private law matter (a dispute between two carers with parental responsibility) and is not an area that we are funded to advise on. However, I can make some points and provide some suggestions and will signpost you to services who offer free legal advice and/or information.

1) You are both Special Guardians for the girls. You both have parental responsibility.. The children live with your ex-partner but that does not change the legal situation. If you can, it is best to try to come to a solution yourselves.

2) As your ex-partner receives a special guardianship allowance, this suggests that the girls were Looked After before you obtained the SGO. Therefore, children’s services should have done an assessment of your (and your ex-partner’s support needs) as special guardians. You can contact the Special Guardianship Support Team in the area where the children live to update them about the situation, the impact on the children and ask that they help mediate a solution with your ex-partner.

3) You can contact the schools to let them know that you are also the girls’ Special Guardian and there are no legal restrictions (injunctions or orders) preventing you from seeing them or picking them up. However, I would suggest that Robin’s advice in relation to school is helpful and that you ensure you are kept updated and informed but don’t use the schools as intermediaries between yourself and your ex-partner. School may check out the children’s views and as suggested, if the girls are distressed or wanting help they may recommend making a referral to Early Help or Children’s Services.

4) You can get private law advice from Child Law Advice: Family Line: 0300 330 5480, Mon to Fri, 10 am to 4 pm, and email. If you are unable to resolve the situation you can offer mediation or consider making a court application, as suggested, for the court to decide on the contact arrangements. The court can override a special guardian and will want to know the children’s views.
Advice Now have free downloadable guides to making arrangements for children.
Support Through Court offer practical and procedural advice (but not legal advice). Their national helpline number is 0300 081 0006 – their service reopens on 13/01/25.

5) If you are worried that you have/ are experiencing coercive control you can get support and advice from the Men’s Advice line or Mankind.

I hope this is helpful and that you can work out a way to see and be properly involved in the girls’ lives again, as soon as possible.

If children’s services become involved and you have a query about this please post back or contact the advice service by calling our freephone helpline on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm, using our advice email form or webchat facility.

Best wishes

Suzie

Just in case the OP is confused, my initial reply has been inadvertently deleted. I believe the majority of the points I made have since been covered in greater depth by Suzie. I have tried restoring it from my browser backup, but that has proved impossible.

Hopefully with the advice now given @livvylooloo is now able to move forward and find a way to see the children.

Please post back if I can be of any further assistance.

Robin