Convicted DV

[Porkinswife]

My partner of three years assaulted me in August. I could see his behaviour was becoming erratic and he would get angry with me nearly all the time, I confronted him numerous times about him being on drugs but of course he would always deny the allegation. The night he attacked me, he tried to strangle and suffocate me, luckily my two children from my previous relationship were staying with their father so did not witness anything. I called the Police and he was arrested and remanded. SS were called because whilst I was being interviewed by the Police (I had run to a local hotel so we did the interview there) they went to our home to arrest him they found cocaine bags on his side of his bed where he had emptied his pockets. SS came and interviewed my children in my home and my 8 year old daughter told her that she loved him but she didn't like it when she heard him shout at me. My ex husband was present throughout her visit, we are still very good friends, and he told them he had no concerns whatsoever about my ability of being a good parent. Consequently the case was closed. Since then I have received a letter from my BF finally admitting that he was addicted to Crack that he has sought help in prison, he is seeing a psychiatrist who has also prescribed anti depressants. He apologised for everything he did to me, there was no excuses for his behaviour and he was pleading guilty and doing any time that he was given. He asked me for my forgiveness and asked if he could talk to me by phone and said that he totally understood if I didn't wish to. After a long time deliberating everything he said I decided to talk to him and I'm glad that I did. The man has sorted himself and he sounds like the man that I fell in love with. However, the detective in charge of the case called me yesterday and basically spoke to me like I was a naughty child and said that I was an idiot for talking to him and if I carried on she would call SS. I explained that he had admitted he was on drugs, he was getting help and surely the fact that he pleaded guilty, then we, as society, have said that he deserves a fresh start when he comes out, that he wants to improve his life. The detective was having none of this and still was adamant that she was calling SS, which I then told her to do what she had to. My question is, do I need to be worried about SS being involved again? Bearing in mind, my children have never witnessed anything, only ever heard him raise his voice, which I'm pretty sure goes on in every home in this country. Thank you for reading and hopefully somebody can help me.

[greenfairy]

Hi,
I am sorry, but I am with the detective on this one.
He tried to strangle/suffocate you, which is attempted murder.

He has already shown you what he's capable of and I think it's very, very unwise to allow him back into your life.

Domestic abusers rarely change and strangulation/suffocation is one of the most severe forms of domestic violence.

He already made one attempt on your life, don't give him a second chance to finish the job.

If you get back together with him, social services will definitively get involved and they won't be happy at all.
Your children will most likely go on a child protection plan, which is very serious.

I'm all for forgiveness and second chances, but not with a serious incident like this.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

My partner of three years assaulted me in August. I could see his behaviour was becoming erratic and he would get angry with me nearly all the time, I confronted him numerous times about him being on drugs but of course he would always deny the allegation. The night he attacked me, he tried to strangle and suffocate me, luckily my two children from my previous relationship were staying with their father so did not witness anything. I called the Police and he was arrested and remanded. SS were called because whilst I was being interviewed by the Police (I had run to a local hotel so we did the interview there) they went to our home to arrest him they found cocaine bags on his side of his bed where he had emptied his pockets. SS came and interviewed my children in my home and my 8 year old daughter told her that she loved him but she didn't like it when she heard him shout at me. My ex husband was present throughout her visit, we are still very good friends, and he told them he had no concerns whatsoever about my ability of being a good parent. Consequently the case was closed. Since then I have received a letter from my BF finally admitting that he was addicted to Crack that he has sought help in prison, he is seeing a psychiatrist who has also prescribed anti depressants. He apologised for everything he did to me, there was no excuses for his behaviour and he was pleading guilty and doing any time that he was given. He asked me for my forgiveness and asked if he could talk to me by phone and said that he totally understood if I didn't wish to. After a long time deliberating everything he said I decided to talk to him and I'm glad that I did. The man has sorted himself and he sounds like the man that I fell in love with. However, the detective in charge of the case called me yesterday and basically spoke to me like I was a naughty child and said that I was an idiot for talking to him and if I carried on she would call SS. I explained that he had admitted he was on drugs, he was getting help and surely the fact that he pleaded guilty, then we, as society, have said that he deserves a fresh start when he comes out, that he wants to improve his life. The detective was having none of this and still was adamant that she was calling SS, which I then told her to do what she had to. My question is, do I need to be worried about SS being involved again? Bearing in mind, my children have never witnessed anything, only ever heard him raise his voice, which I'm pretty sure goes on in every home in this country. Thank you for reading and hopefully somebody can help me.

Dear Porkinswife

Welcome to Family Rights Group parents’ discussion forum and thank you for your post.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group and I see from your post that you have some concerns about the police making a further referral to children’s services (the new name for social services) following your partner’s arrest for an assault on you and drug related offences. The reason for the further referral is because the investigating detective informed you of her concerns that you are in contact with your partner who is in prison.

You want to know if you should be worried about children’s services becomes involved with your family again. If the first case was closed because you told children’s services that the relationship had ended and now you have changed your mind and want to continue in a relationship, then children’s services would be concerned about your understanding of their concerns and your ability to keep your children safe. There is information HERE about what happens when children’s services receive a referral.

It is not clear if your partner has already been sentenced following his admission to you about his drug misuse and his intention to plead guilty, or if the police continue to investigate both the assault and drug related offences. The latter would seem to be the case, since the detective is still involved in the case. The police may be concerned that you, as a victim of a very serous assault is in touch with the perpetrator.

The fact that there was domestic abuse in the home would be a safeguarding concern for children’s services and once your partner was out of the home, they would be satisfied that the issue was no longer a concern. If you and your partner wish to resume a relationship on his release from prison, then children’s services are likely to carry out risk assessments, of him to ascertain the level of risk he poses to you and your children, of you to assess your ability to be a protective factor for your children.

You mention in your post that your8 year old didn’t like your partner shouting at you, children’s services consider domestic abuse to be emotionally harmful to children. Children do not have to witness domestic violence to be affected by it, you as their mother is affected and they in turn are because of its impact on you including the home environment. Children’s services could decide to carry out child protection enquiries which might result in your children being placed on a child protection plan. Here is information relating to child protection for your information.

Children’s services might expect you and your partner to engage with domestic violence services. However, if children’s services are of the view that the best way to keep your children safeguarded is for your partner to remain out of the home, and you disagree they could take steps to safeguard the children by applying to the court to share parental responsibility or suggest the children reside with their father.

Should you wish to speak with one of our experienced advisers, you can telephone family rights group free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30 am to 3.00pm Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays).

I hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie